canttrustu

Emotional affairs can wreck a marriage. It destroys trust. Sending naked pics is cheating-outright. No question. Do not just "let this go" You must be sure its over. Just b/c she says so doesnt make it so. Trust but verify.

Good luck and Im sorry youre here.

bandit.45

You know there are topical medications you can give your avatar for its skin blemishes.

I gave some to mine but....hes dead.

Numb in Ohio

My H was having 2 EA's..(could of been PA, but no proof of) one was off and on for all of our 9 year marriage, with his ex high school gf.

The second was an old "friend",, they were talking and texting for 4 months, would have been longer if I wouldn't of found out.

I found out in Aug. of last year.. stayed together to try to work through it, which it just keep eating at me..

We separated almost 5 months ago,both went to IC , just starting MC this Thursday.. I have a list of make or break questions. I have kept that "gut" feeling he was lying about a lot, and/or withholding info..

As long as your W is remorseful, and becomes an open book.. and your "gut" is content.. then I wish you all the best in R. Just be sure she or yourself are not rug sweeping.

fuserleer

I suspect my wife of this at the moment, shes actually met the guy a few times, but from past, shes got many male friends, from before, and since we were together and they have never been a problem.

This current one is an issue tho, its sudden, and ripping shreds at my marriage and while I fully believe there's been nothing physical, there are forces at play.

IF me and my wife sort this out, it will take me some time to truly trust her again like I did before, and I'll always be wondering when and if the next one is coming along.

Forgive, but NEVER forget!

NewM

She planed on having sex with him and would if she didn't get caught,so its not like nothing happened.
You can say same thing to someone whose wife had ONS with saying IT HAPPENED ONLY ONCE get over it,there are people whose wives had porn star sex with multiple men at the same time and each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Its not about your boundary or peoples who had worse thing happen to them boundary,its about his boundary.

To OP I think you should find out why your wife wanted to cheat on you and fix those things.If you were affectionate and good husband to her dump her or she will just wait for another chance to cheat on you later if you don't.

Also make sure there is no more contact between your wife and OM you shouldn't have to threaten OM to tell his wife if he doesn't stop contacting your wife,your wife should stop all contact with him if she wants to save her marriage and keep you.
I would give all messages he sent your wife to his wife,she needs to know,because he will probably do it again with someone else if not with your wife.

iheartlife

It was 19 days because he CAUGHT her at 19 days. That is why it was 19 days. Maybe you missed that one word, because it is the entire point to this story. Are we really going to pretend this wouldn't have gone on for 50 days? 150 days? Well maybe not the sexting part. That would get old, so they probably would have moved on to something that even lamaga wouldn't like after it continued that long UNDETECTED by Galway.

Presumably, in junior high, the stakes weren't quite so high with a little texting. In junior high, "relationships" (for those who had them, because for the rest of us, they were confined to looking at people across the room) lasted about...oh, 19 days. We're talking life partnership, and children. Let's not be so quick, and so glib, about this type of issue. Let junior high stay back there with junior high, agreed?

In his excellent book His Needs / Her Needs, which I suggest you buy NOW, Dr. Harley explains that this type of intimate communication leads to a powerful infatuation. THAT is why it's reserved for marriage partners. Yes, it crosses marital boundaries. But if people who entered emotional affairs could just wake up and end them with a snap of their fingers, then there would be no need for advice boards. Emotional affairs are fantasy escapes--they are first and foremost COMPULSIONS. Compulsion are extremely bad habits that are difficult to break. What is it they say about creating a habit? That it takes 21...er 19 days?

Another excellent book I recommend to you, Galway (and your wife) is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Shirley Glass was a nationally recognized researcher on infidelity. If you ever read her book, you will learn far more than you ever wanted to know about how emotional affairs start, function, and end. The book is so good that for anyone dealing with infidelity, I strongly suggest that you ask any marriage counselors you expect to consult whether or not they've read it. Our excellent MC pulled it off the shelf before I had a chance to mention it.

Here is why this is a big deal Galway--and you already know this. It's because you CAUGHT her. If she had come to you, all contrite and confessed, it would still disturb you greatly. But you would be able to see that she recognized it was wrong first, without you needing to intervene.

As far as fixing the relationship: affairs are the immature, stupid choices of people who are solving their problems--whatever they may be--in a very cowardly way. They know that what they're doing is wrong. Sometimes they do it because the marriage is in a bad place, but this DOES NOT excuse their choice. It sounds like you don't spend anywhere near enough time together. Most marriage experts recommend a bare minimum to 10 to 15 hours A WEEK of one-on-one alone time without movies, computers, phones, etc. for a married couple to properly bond. Marriages in trouble require 20 hours of this time. Where do the two of you fall on this scale?

Often swept under the rug, however--and this is why you must take this very seriously--is that beyond marital vulnerability, sometimes the reason for cheating lies partly or entirely inside the cheater. You can work all day long fixing the marriage, but some people are very broken. Perhaps they were betrayed by someone important to them earlier in life. Perhaps they suffer from a personality disorder. But regardless, in these cases, the answer does not lie solely with "working on the marriage" and it's misguided to think that there is an easy solution to these types of problems.

As far as verification that she is not still in contact--the reason so many are recommending this is that:

1. cheaters lie to themselves in order to betray you. Then, as the fun picks up steam, they have to start to lie to you to keep things secret and private. Once they are in a compulsive fantasy, they will go to great lengths to protect the fantasy.

2. you cannot fix a marriage with 3 people in it. Picture the two of you on a counselor's couch, while your wife holds hands with this man as he stands out in the hallway. Marriage counseling is HARD WORK. People don't bare their souls and do the necessary heavy lifting while in a fantasy bubble. Escapist behavior is extremely fun, and MC is generally not.

I attended MC for 6+ months while my husband continued his emotional affair. I had no idea--because I didn't verify that it was over. I was uneducated about the power of infatuation and emotional affairs. I thought if my husband said it was over, then it was over. MC with a pro-marriage counselor TRAINED in the issues of infidelity is a revelation and I can say that our marriage is better than it's been in many years now. An MC like that will not gloss this over and pretend like nothing happened. I highly recommend MC under the above conditions and hope you'll go.

Like you--I had to catch my husband in his affair. He never would have ended it on his own, he freely acknowledges that. Realizing this makes me feel sometimes like a freight train roared past my face. I was inches away from this lasting for who knows how long. This is the feeling that you have. Learn from the mistakes of others. You have the ability to turn this around and have your marriage revitalized. But minimize those 19 days at your peril.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

CantSitStill

Not sure if your wife is still feeling attached to this guy..how is she acting? Does she seem distracted? She may be in the fog and still fantasising about him or worse still finding ways to reach him..I sure hope not but please make sure you have your radar on and make sure she's an open book with you..hopefully this can be repaired but it's gonna take some work. Trust is hard and it will take some heavy lifting from her to get that back.
Posted via Mobile Device

Numb in Ohio

By your post, if I understand, they have never seen each other in person? How did they get connected?

If she didn't have any prior relationship with him, I don't see that they had enough time to build a strong emotional bond, compared to an old friend , an ex or a person they work with. If they were complete strangers before, that might be easier to get her past the fog.

Maricha75

19 days can easily happen in a gaming community. The sexting and phone calls could have only been 19 days... OP didn't say the EA only lasted 19 days (I just caught that). They could have met online in pretty much any community message board, or on a game...social media. Anything. And this could easily have been going on for longer than the 19 days.

That said, 19 days is long enough for an infatuation to grow. Been there, done that as well. Believe it or not, you can cram a lot into 19 days of constant texting/sexting/calling. I can honestly say that, in less than a month, I had a stronger emotional bond with an EA partner than I did with a few of my ex-boyfriends.

__________________
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...time-i-do.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...elievable.html

iheartlife

I likewise wonder how they met, and how they reached the point of sexting so quickly, if they were complete strangers.

This is something that slices both ways. They had a prior relationship so that is how it went from zero to 60? Or they didn't know each other at all and next thing you know she was sexting? Lose / lose, unfortunately.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

Entropy3000

19 days is plenty of time to move through an EA to a PA. You have proof of this. They were meeting up sooooooo.

Inappropriate Behavior. -- check. Just starting up a relationship with another man and texting them this much is inappropriate. She never should have started this but she had poor boundaries so she did.

Unfaithfulness -- check. As soon as he started hitting on her and even before the sex talk this was unfaithful because she should have cut this off and gone NC on her own.

Cheating -- Meeting up up with this guy. OMG!!!!

So this is the golden sombraro. Hardly something to hug over. It was not just inappropriate amount of texting that went on for 19 days. I think even then she would have to go full NC with this guy. BUT, perhaps this was less of an EA and more of a conscious effort to cheat from the get go.

Once it went unfaithful this was serious stuff. Serious enough that many would divorce over. I suspect my limit would have been the planning to actually meet but that is just me.

She must go NC AND you need to monitor her complience. She will take three to six weeks to go through witdrawal. The thing is what was her intention? If she intended for this to happen then you have a more serious issue.

Also I do not buy that you have to stay on separate shifts. You choose to. You may feel the reasons for doing so outweigh keeping your marriage. This is a choice.

But curious why do you feel your can not change this? What do you guys do for a living?

__________________

calvin

Thats close to my wife EA. Galway listen up!
Anyone who tells you this is no big deal or its 7th grade puppy love bs is full of it.
My wife contacted her hs bf on fb,it was an EA but then the texting and the phone calls started and became way more frequent,om was a player who now turns out is a warped possible dangerous individual,yeah its started slow,then they started meeting,it was only 3-4 times,nothing physical except for a couple quick pecks on the lips,makes me sick.Then the I loves yous started,first by him and after awhile she responded in kind,at the time me and WW were in MC,I knew something was up,just couldnt put my finger on who,at first I did'nt believe it,hell I had the gut feeling but denide it for awhile.
Even when I finally dragged it out of her she still wanted to "date" the OM,tried to have me leave,told me she wanted him and did'nt love me at all.Begged her to stop,all I saw was her head shaking back and forth "No,I want to date him,I want him,I dont want you!"
Good God I'm going off here...sorry.
Her EA almost destroyed our family,the OM still calls and taunts and says some vile,and I mean fvcking vile things. I'm in the proccess of taking care of him :-) he's scared now.
An EA where all fantasys come true is the biggest hoax of humankind.
Yes,in my mind physical and its over.
Never under estimate the damage that an EA can to to the BS.And in a rare occasion to the WW who hates themselve
Posted via Mobile Device

calvin

Christ I went off...sorry
Posted via Mobile Device

calvin

Put this on the choping block NOW
Posted via Mobile Device

iheartlife

You and me both. I was actually very, very angry earlier this evening. Glib dismissiveness of the hard-earned experience of others tends to do that to me.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally