Galway

I am 40 and my wife is 33 we have a 7 and 4 ys old boys. We have been married for nine years and together for 13.

We work seperate schedules and there is nothing that can be done about it. Unfortunately, my wife was texting and talking on the phone with another married man. This went on for 19 days. They would text all time during the day and often in fron of me with me being oblivious. He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually. During the texting, she never met him or saw him anywhere. He kept trying, but it never happened. On the day that they were going to meet, I caught her and everything stopped. I confronted him and threatened to tell his wife.

My wife has appologized and admitted that she was confused and was unsure if she loved me when this was going on. It has been two months and I can not let it go. She has been affectionate to me and swears that she will never make another mistake. Any suggestions?

lamaga

Okay, Galway, buck up because I am going to speak truth to you.

Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact. And you are willing to lose your wife and your family over this?

STOP THAT. You are being silly. Now, others will come onto here and talk to you about how to monitor her for the rest of time so that this never happens again, and that's fine, but the fact is?

NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it. Husbands are dealing every day with wives dying, wives literally in their beds with other men, wives deciding they are gay...each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Antigen

Some people can get over an affair even if it's gotten sexual, although I have no idea how..

Others cannot. Even a short term textual fling such as this.

If you can't get past it then do what you gotta do.

Married in VA

You are going to need to verify if this has truly stopped. You posted about kids at the beginning of your post. Your wife's EA and the kids are not related and having kids is NOT a barrier to divorce if need be. There is something wrong with your wife. You need to talk with her and figure out why she has poor personal boundaries which would allow her to fall into this trap. Also, take a look in the mirror and figure out what you are doing wrong such that she would even want to go for another man. As for letting it go, it may be tough but if you are going to stay together than you are going to have to or else resentment will build and your relationship will fail and you are wasting time. For your wife:

1. She goes no contact by telling OM good bye forever in front of you followed by a no contact letter OR

2. You get an attorney and get the divorce process going. It can be stopped at any time but your wife needs to know that what she did is NOT okay and WILL NOT be tolerated.

There are no other choices as any other choice will hurt you in the future. You need to keep a good eye on her to make sure this just didn't go underground.

Also, saying you CAN'T adjust your work schedule is a load of crap. You are in FULL control of where you work and whether you work. If you need to then change your lifestyle or get a different job where your lives are more compatible. I'll take a good relationship over a career ANY day of the week.

anchorwatch

Have you found out why she looking to this OM for affection? Have you started counseling?
Did you expose to the OMW? Is there NC with the OM?

lamaga

Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?

My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?

Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.

OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.

bandit.45

They were sexting. That's a bit harsher than just emailing.
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Halien

I disagree. On the day that she was going to meet him, the OP stopped her. 7th grade would be, "He sent text messages describing what he wanted to do to her, and she told me about it." 10th grade would be "On the day that she was going to meet him, she realized how wrong this was, and came to me." The question of how easily she let this escalate, and what would have happened if an external force did not stop her will haunt the OP for some time.

I think that marriage counseling, with a counselor that you both trust, is needed quickly. In addition, if she is remorseful, transparency with all passwords should be no problem for her.

lamaga

@Bandit, fine. Acknowledged. He still needs to concentrate on fixing his own marriage.

anchorwatch

lamaga, I do think from what I highlighted from the OP post, that this is no 7th grade stuff. I do believe they have to find out why it happened to heal.

Shaggy

You should follow through and talk to the OMW. Let her know her husband is on the prowl and sexting your wife.
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Maricha75

Lamaga, I am not going to tell him he needs to do the keyloggers or VARs or anything. But he has a RIGHT to how he feels. An emotional affair is a very real thing. And, it DOES hurt. It hurts very much when your spouse is telling someone else that she is sexy or beautiful. It hurts very much when your spouse returns those sentiments. You can't say nothing happened... you can say nothing PHYSICAL happened, but something did, indeed, happen. The wife was getting her emotional needs met by someone other than her husband. Yea, it was "only" 19 days. My husband's emotional affair was "only" a month long... but, by your definition, "nothing happened"... my husband was pushing me away. My husband was forming a bond, a sexually charged bond, with someone other than myself. So, yes, something did, indeed happen.

I know you have experience with infidelity of the physical form, as you have stated before. Please, don't diminish this man's feeling over what has happened in his family. An emotional affair is still a betrayal of the marriage vows. It is still cheating. Whether you believe it to be so or not.

Now, to Galway, I will say this: you CAN get past this, if you choose to do so. It may take some time. I know that, nearly 3 months after having discovered my husband's EA, I an now beginning to feel more "normal". And that was after he was texting for a month with this woman! You will need to be sure she is completely transparent. No hiding her phone, no locking it, no hiding passwords from you, nothing. Whether you are checking regularly or not, because she cheated, the burden of proof is on her. She needs to make sure you KNOW she is being faithful. That means she needs to be willing to allow you to see everything, including emails...and, this man is to be removed COMPLETELY from everything... from her cell phone, from her email contacts, from Facebook (if she has one)...everything. And she needs to go no contact, if she has not already... she needs to tell him "do not contact me any further"

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CantSitStill

It's not as easy as people think when their wife has an emotional affair. Trust me, my husband is still struggling over it. I had an emotional affair with lots of i love you texts and hubby and I are 4 months later in MC and he triggers like crazy. Work on what needs to be different in your marriage, also boundries are very important, make sure she gives you all her passwords and lets you check everything she is doing on phone and computer. I hope you two can work this out, it's hard but we are not giving up. My thread is under private section called ups and downs..my hubby's name is Calvin if u ever wanna talk to him. I am so sorry you are going thru this.
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tm84

19 days or not, your wife did betray your trust and began an EA with another man. A huge boundary was crossed and done RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Obviously there is something missing in your marriage from your wife's point of view and she began looking elsewhere to fill that void.

You still need to verify that there is ongoing non-contact because it could have still been taken underground. Also, at the very least, you should seek some kind of counseling, individual or marriage, to help you deal with the feelings you're experiencing.

chillymorn

try to be forgiving as much as you can and start snooping.

there have be more than a few stories where some husband comes on here and says the same thing it was only texting.

and some people on here will tell him make sure it wasn't physical and he knows for sure it was only texting bla,bla,bla.

and then after a while he comes back and says OH MY GOD you guys were right.

19 days of texting.......when i was looking for women I would have banged her by now!

hey maybe your right but I think maybe your starting to wonder and thats why you can't get past it.

If it were me I have to know and after reading some of the stories on here the only way or the best way is to act like everything is cool and start snooping... key loggers voice recorder whatever.

I hope I'm wrong and try to forgive but you can snoop alittle also!