General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am awake late pondering. What is the truth of a bad relationshp anyways? Both sides have different stories of how things really are. Who is telling the truth? One thing both have in common is the resentment both hold against each other. Seems like a waste of time to put so much energy into something so negative when life is so short. So why do people do it? In hopes that things will eventually get better? It's so complicated!
I have been wondering the same thing. i think marriage is very strange. And often i think its just flat out wrong. Sometimes i wonder why on earth i get so upset. but it doesnt seem my emotion understand my logic.
I watched a couple here I work with, I watch their marriage blow up and end in Divorce.
The thing I noticed with each, is Both "HAD TO BE RIGHT!" no concessions, no negotiating, Either RIGHT or WRONG. The Hubby would give me his side of the story, I would watch it esculate everytime they fought, he started going crazy trying to find ways to PROVE HE WAS RIGHT....so would she.
My question is, Why do you have to be right? What does it win you? Can we disect what happen and move on to improve the situation?
The reason I think my wife and I work well is neither one of us "look to be right" we just work with "what is" Sure we fight, I'll tell her she is a slob, she will tell me I am a butt head, etc. But neither of us needs to "prove it"
I really think that is the difference, when you have the need to WIN for what ever reason.
My co-worker still stews about his ex-wife...Still complains 2 years later.....But he was right.
Some couples have fights but know deep down inside they would never leave their partner. Others fight and think, "WHAT have I got myself into! I don't want to be here!".
What is it that these couples have that others don't? Is it unconitional love? Is it maturity? I wish I knew.
Well I can only speak for me and my wife. (well my side anyway)
We just fit well together, like two pieces of a puzzle. I really have NO EXPECTATIONS of my wife, I don't Expect anything from her, I really don't think she expects anything from me.
Now we have kids our lives revolve around them and carting them to Baseball and Soccer. My wife can not expect me to take all three children, we have to "work it out"
We have zero expections of each other, My wife is just that, my wife, sure she can drive me crazy, but I can't see living without her.
I can tell you we met while in College, we went to school in different states, so it turned out to be a LD affair and very "loose" one at that. I couldn't worry about what she was doing, she couldn't worry about me, we learned to trust each other and communicate. We work things out, plan things. We discuss, not dictate, we ask opinions, not commands.
it's teamwork for us, we are a team, simple as that.
Right now we are discussing on buying my wife a new car, all options are on the table, we both give our opinions on what we should get her. There are factors involved, we travel to NJ every summer to visit family, we have three kids, so we need a car that can travel and has space for our GROWING children, the value of the car, should we get a Brand new car, or a used car? etc.
we will go shopping next week without the children, I am all about $$ and Usefulness, My wife is all about her looking good in it. But we will agree on 1 car and that will be it.
if we didnt have too many thoughts of what , ifs and buts, and questions when they simply arent appropriate. we'd probably get on alot better with eachother.
So your marriage is about 2 ppl who just work together to do whatever necessary to get things done. Mutual agreement. Like you say, teamwork. You are living life side-by-side...right? There is a feeling of trust that the other will carry his/her weight without even expecting it. That seems like a good way to live!
I am guessing it's the ones that feel resentful that are the ones that feel they aren't a team? The balance is uneven.
I agree with that. There are times where I feel like I am doing more then my share burden, but it is my job to communicate that to my wife, if I don't tell her how will she know she is hurting me?
it's a double edge sword. It's not as easy as it sounds, Sometimes it has to get pretty heated to get the point across.
But it also takes someone to listen and adjust.
I can yell and scream all I want, but if it falls on deaf ears, it will do me no good.
So it is Give and take, Compromise. If one refuses to Compromise....well then you are at an junction of a decision that can alter the relationship for good.
some very good points!! it seems like it's the lack of maturity that can kill a relationship then.
I compromised this time and now i feel hurt. If he compromised, he would have felt hurt. He broke my trust in the past so he compromised his love of playing sports for a year becuase he saw how much it hurt me. Now, I am compromising, I see how much his sports mean to him and don't want to get in the way of that so I let him go. But I feel so betrayed all over again. I know I need to get over it but I can't get rid of these feelings. I go back and forth in my thoughts as to wanting to continue on with the relationship. Sometimes things feel like they are going very good, we are finally reconnecting. Then something happens that triggers the past and I feel so angry and so hurt all over again. When I feel this anger and hurt I don't want to be with him anymore. I start to think about life wihtout him. I fantisize being with someone that I can picture myself happy with. Then he calls or emails and what not and tells me how much we mean to him ect... and I change my mind and decide to try and make it work......again. We have 3 children and I put sooooooooooo much into those kids. But, sometimes I just feel stuck ya know? Stuck at home with them while he goes out and enjoys his life. Don't get me wrong, I love them with all my heart, Ijust wish for time for myself once in awhile and he doesn't seem to get it. I get this strong feeling that if we break up again then that will be the end forever(we have broken up 2X before). So, i am thinking about if it's really the best thing to do. I don't know if I love him? When I am upset I would definitely say no but when things are going good I an unsure yet. But I can't help but feel hurt and angry. I am losing sleep, I have a headache that won't go away...things definitely aren't looking good right now.
What if you compromise but it makes you miserable?
What is the sport os sports he likes to play? I play Soccer ehre in Georgia, when I lived in NJ I playyed ice Hockey, I LOVE it, it makes me feel great and youthful.
My wife and kids will go to my games sometimes, whih I LOVE when they come, it means so much to me they show, othertimes they go do something else. Do your kids play sports? If so do you go cheer them on?
What do you like to do? What is it that you want?
After soccer season ends, we are going to have "family" soccer games, me and my 1 son verse my wife and two other kids that play soccer as well. It will be a fun family event that we all love.
I have no problem with him playing sports, it's healthy for someone to do what they love. It's just, I guess it hurts that chooses sports over me and the kids. He has played sports ever since i can remember knowing him(known each other 8yrs). He plays basketball, ballhockey, football. We are seperated, live in seperate places. I have the kids all week and we spend weekends together. I don't mind him going to local tournaments, it's just the ones that are far away that really really bug me. He chose to go to a tournament that's 10hrs away and he has history with a female over there that makes me uncomfortable. I love watching him play sports, cheering him on. Me and the kids have a blast going to his tournaments. But, it's just, I mean, he doesn't see us all week and he decides to ditch town for sports - that's what's really bothering me. I look forward to spending time with him on weekends and so do our kids. It also gives me a bit of a break from our 2yr old since he's A LOT to handle right now his attention is mostly on his daddy and not getting into trouble. But, I just feel like it cut into our "family time" and now we have to wait another week to see him and my 2yr old is wondering why daddy didn't come see him this weekend. I don't play sports but I love dancing and have danced all sorts of dances throughout my life. But, like i say, I don't have a whole lot of free time away from my children to do what I enjoy because I have them all week and I don't have a whole lot of babysitters that are reliable or would commit to watching them weekly. So I guess I compromise my whole darn life for my babies. And i guess i feel resentful that he goes out and enjoys his life and plays sports while I am stuck at home. I don't feel like he puts enough effort into taking the kids off my hands so I can do things for myself. He has promised to watch them more int he past but his sports ALWAYS got in the way of that...something always came up where he couldn't take them. And I guess I am resentful for that too...that he promised me but never followed through. He did take them a couple of days ago so I could get my hair done but he kept bringing the kids into the salon so it didn't feel like much of a break from them. I just feel like he falls short in so many ways. I do understand though when somebody loves something like baseball or football or whatever...it's just when it starts affecting our relationship there should be some kind of compromise and he has told me he has compromised in the past and felt wrong about it but says he will no longer let me get in the way of going to EVERY tournament that comes up. I just don't feel like that is fair.
Our relationship was abusive when we lived together. We both abused each other. Him - verbally, emotionally, and 2x physically. Me - verbally, emotionally, physically. We had so many issues to say the least! He got anger management, I haven't yet but I have started counseling. I don't think we should live together for a long while because our kids deserve a healthier environment. We both came from abusive upbringings so I guess in alot of ways we are dealing with demons that keep rearing their ugly faces. We are okay as long as we don't live together. We get along great and all if we don't deal with each other daily. It's usually me that gets very annoyed, and then mad, and then angry and I hold this resentment against him. Like for example, he refuses to do dishes, I can't stand this, I ask him to help me out once in awhile with the dishes, he does like 10 dishes and thinks that's "helping out", I get mad and start bickering at him, he gets mad because he says he'll do them(but never does). And so I hold a grudge against him for not helping me when I need him to. So, I figure, we don't live together, he can do is own d*mn dishes. Same with clean up around the house, he refuses to do it. Same thing, he lives in his own place, he can live in his own pig sty. Same with looking after the kids, if we aren't living together then I guess I don't have to expect him to look after the kids as much so I don't feel as resentful about that. 'Cause he's come home and immediately play Xbox and totally ignore us. I would put the kids to bed and want loven and attention from him and I'd have to cuddle him while he was playing Xbox and he'd be sooooooo zoned out not even focusing on me. I guess our sex life was bad too. I got to the point where I couldn't get turned on by him for the life of me! I literally had to fantisize about other men to get turned on. But I just think deep down, I hated him. We have 2 kids together and they are the only reason I am putting effort into this relationship.
What is the truth?
