General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
You go anyway. When you're ready to leave, you say "Are you coming?" When he says no, then you just say "Ok. I hear you saying that I'm not important enough to you, for you to go to a one-hour counseling session. I'll have the counselor help me figure out how to move on without you." And you leave.
You need to start setting boundaries and follow through with consequences if those boundaries are broken. It seems like he is used to just getting his way with only you getting upset and no real consequences. He is pushing your personal boundaries and the boundaries on the marriage.
I see very similar actions regarding the hiding things and what he is saying to you by bringing up things from the past in your H and my Hs behavior. Big red flags. You need to find out for sure if he is cheating and be ready to lay down the law.
I know you are not his parent but you are his wife. You have more than a right to be concerned especially if you are looking out for the marriage!
Well we went to the counselor. It was painful at best. I thought it was a step in the right direction. However, i think now all is lost. I saw a text on his phone from a number with no name assigned to it asking if he was alright. Long story short it is her. They have a relationship going on and she obviously knows more about me and my marriage than she should.
He didn't come home Friday from work. He got home around 2am. Said he was thinking (ya right). Counselor asked him if he was going to stay home for a while while we sort this out he said yes. But he was gone all day yesterday and avoided my calls. I am going to continue to see the MC but i don't have much hope left. I have bared my heart and soul to him and he continues to lie and deceive and now is acting just down right disrespectful. I never would have imagined he could behave this way toward me. I just don't have the energy for this.
I just don't want this to get nasty. This isn't typical behavior of him. He has been a really good man until now.
I've been trying to avoid getting that way. I have thought about doing that (throwing him out). But I can see that he his hurting too. We also have a 16 year old in the house and I don't want him to see his mother behaving that way. Although I do plan on asking him to leave.
I honestly don't know what to do. One minute I am devastated and willing to do anything to fix my family. The next I am angry and ready to toss him out on his ass. I just don't know. I don't have the energy for all of this.
Well we went to the counselor. It was painful at best. I thought it was a step in the right direction. However, i think now all is lost. I saw a text on his phone from a number with no name assigned to it asking if he was alright. Long story short it is her. They have a relationship going on and she obviously knows more about me and my marriage than she should.
He didn't come home Friday from work. He got home around 2am. Said he was thinking (ya right). Counselor asked him if he was going to stay home for a while while we sort this out he said yes. But he was gone all day yesterday and avoided my calls. I am going to continue to see the MC but i don't have much hope left. I have bared my heart and soul to him and he continues to lie and deceive and now is acting just down right disrespectful. I never would have imagined he could behave this way toward me. I just don't have the energy for this.
It is very hard to accept, but marriage counseling is a hopeless cause with 3 people in the marriage. MC is unpleasant, hard work. Affairs are fantasies. MC just cannot compete with the bubble of infatuation.
What do you know about this woman? You have some choices to make. One is to Let Him Go (because he seems to be barrelling in that direction) and to do the 180 (a method for living your best, full life, in preparation for whatever lies ahead, with or without him). These have the combined effects of presenting him with the consequences of his choices. Right now he does not want to be the bad guy to divorce you, apparently; he wants to see if things will work out with this woman. He is, apparently, too cowardly to ask you for a divorce, and is perhaps hoping you will do it first.
But he doesn't want to be fully honest. Maybe he cares what other people think. Maybe this woman works with him? Or maybe she is married. Or perhaps he would be ashamed if his parents knew about what he was doing.
If you want to try to reconcile with him, you will need to find out who the OW is. You would need to hire a Private Investigator. Also, if you live in a jurisdiction that recognizes adultery as part of divorce, that may gain you some advantage.
Once you have evidence that would confirm to an outside party that they're in an affair (cell phone records, his spending the night at her house, etc.), then you would expose that information to his family (and his place of work, if they are co-workers) simultaneously with filing divorce. The point would be to shock him into choosing today, you or him. Threatening divorce never works (people do it all the time--but no one believes threats). Exposure would ensure that no one in his life that he respects could be fooled into thinking he met thise woman after you separated. He would have to be accountable for his actions.
Because he might not know this woman that well (assuming she is not a co-worker) it might just work. He might just realize that he is being stupid and selfish and at a minimum, divorce is not what he wants. That would bring him back to the table so that you could attend MC.
But it's understandable if you don't want to chase after someone who is being immature, selfish, and disrespectful. Still, you might want hard proof that he's in affair before divorcing him. You may feel you want to tell your teenager you did all you could. That is understandable, too.
My marriage counselor (who I saw alone because ex said he didn't HAVE a problem, only I did)....told me exactly what I needed to hear in order to create a Plan B.
She told me to make a decision for my life. Either stay and live that way, or figure out how to get out and have a good life of my own making. She said one idea is to give myself a time limit...mentally. Don't share it with him, but time to try to create improvements within the marriage while still working on Plan B just in case.
I did that. I gave myself a year. I quit letting his neglect/disrespect/anger/whatever get to me. I quit taking it personal, as in "It's not my problem, he's a big boy and could be working on things." I improved my circumstances, focused on the job, increased my earning potential by taking classes. I focused on the family by mandating family night (We're going to have good, fun family time whether ya'll like it or not!) ...every Wed. we invited him to come with us (me and 5 teens)...every Wed he declined, too tired or too busy (visiting friends). I focused on friends and hobbies too... I did not need him for anything. Except, I still couldn't figure out how to support my family without him, and knew I couldn't count on him.
I was still working on this... when about 6 months into it he walked out. He said alot of things (his feelings) which seemed ridiculous and unfounded....and never looked back. BUT, he did help me financially, for a little while anyway. And I did get on my feet.
Soooooooooooooooo..... the point is. Do what you can to create a Plan B, do what you can to give yourself peace of mind regarding the marriage, strengthen your bonds with your girlfriends or support group. In general, start working on your life as if him leaving is a given, then either way... whether he stays or goes you will not have sat around "in limbo" doing nothing but worrying. Be productive, be proactive.
I had all teens at home, they saw how dad was doing his own thing and not relating to the family. They also saw mom be strong, caring, working to keep the family together, and not falling apart due to his a*sholeness. I think, in the end, they had a good example of a strong mom.... to balance out the absent dad.
Just know that it's doable. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
This isn't typical behavior of him. He has been a really good man until now.
What is your definition of a good man?
You said:
Sex stopped pretty much after we got married. It was great beforehand.
We have had financial issues
We own a house that I purchased...He always said how he never felt like it was his home. So against my better judgement we bought a much bigger home
I know that these types of financial issues can cause major stress for a man. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to talk to me but he just pulls farther and farther away.
I have tried everything to get him to talk to me about our sex life, but he wont.
He denies a porn addiction (although I know he watches it). He refuses to watch it with me.
He denies a masturbation habit.
He denies an affair.
I started to really buck up and demand he address this issue. He still refused to open up and talk about any reasons for it but he did agree to start to work on it.
when his friends invited him out to their place for a party on saturday night, I couldn't go, as I have to get up super early. I told him to go and have a good time. Boy did he. He never came home, but worse than that he didn't even stay at the friends house. He claims they went out to a club and he drove home with a girl who works in his office.
I didn't hear from him until almost noon the next day.
Since then he has gone out a couple times.
He really acts as if nothing really bothers him.
He keeps it all bottled up inside.
He gets pissed off that I am upset about what happened and so I try not to bring it up. About three years he also didn't come home and was with this same woman.
He wont give me a straight answer on anything.
I called him today in tears while he was at lunch. He knows I am so upset. You would think he would have come home after work and try to talk to me about what we are going to do. instead he goes out for wings with a friend.
Stop making excuses for him and get your therapist to help you figure out why you feel you deserve such shoddy treatment. Because, believe me, if you didn't think you did, you would never have put up with it.
btw, if you kick him out, your son will see you acting like a responsible adult who loves herself and who is not willing to remain a doormat just to keep a partner in the house. Him watching you do that will help HIM not become a doormat to the first girl he meets.
This sounds like a mid-life crisis. Can happen at any age, but mostly in the 40's. They get foggy and start dreaming and exploring greener pastures, but ussually the fog lifts after much damage is done.
If you have the will and the patience, you might be able to salvage this. Buy Divorce Busting. It helped me a ton. Written by the same person who gave us the 180. BTW, you need to learn the 180 and start doing it now.
We all know how hard it is, but it is what is best for you. It will make you strong whether or not your marriage survives the fog.
Don't change the locks. This won't help you in court and is unlawful in most states. Plus it will not make things better. Be bigger and better than the WH.
Know you are not alone and take advice with a grain of salt.
What midlife crisis? He stopped having sex with her as soon as they were married. He's been cheating the whole time. He married her for convenience; lots of men do. My dad did, even adopted the son, too. What is salvageable in this?
FTR, IMO, if you separate and he sees that you will expect respectful treatment, THEN you can consider reconciliation. But this man will never do it without the separation.
Sounds like you already know he has had an affair with that woman. He is throwing old stuff in your face because it makes him feel less guilty about it. I'm sorry you are going through this. You really need to think about what you want, if you want your marriage to work, you need to sit him down and tell him it's come clean time or get out time.... you don't deserve to live like that. Not coming home would be a major deal breaker for me! Think about where your boundries are and you need to make clear to him that you have been stressed too and have let him cross them too many times and that you will not be tolerating that anymore and put them back up and get him to agree and acknowledge the boundries are back in place (since you sort of already gave him a free pass letting him get away with it that one night). don't beat yourself up about the financial things, you had your life setup and brought him into it and adjusted things to try to make him happy, the recession hit everyone in different ways, it's how we handle it and move on from it that will set those of us who recover from it apart from those who let it beat us down.
You should leave or else you will continue to be unhappy.
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Re: I can't believe this is happening to me... 
