RDJ

Well, my wife did have an affair a few years back. Yes! it was pretty tough.

I survived, she survived, our marriage survived. In fact it is stronger than ever before. 33 years now.

What came out of it? Growth and a new understanding about myself, my wife, and life.

Can she have another affair, can I? Yup!

It will be a sad thing, but it will not kill me, it will stop my ability to be happy in life. It will not stop my ability to love her, or any woman. It sure as hell won't stop me from loving myself.

No I'm not not an island. I'm realistic, **** happens?

I do enjoy your perspective and thoughts. Can always learn more.

__________________
“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Warmly,
RDJ

RDJ

Why thank you for asking.

My life, my marriage, my happiness, and my sex life are just fine.

__________________
“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Warmly,
RDJ

MEM11363

I think you are straight-up a good guy. As for sex - I think you are smart. As long as both spouses are making an effort to please each other and avoid displeasing each other - across the board - then that is healthy. I accept that my drive is greater. I perceive desire and anticipation as beautiful things. And I absolutely accept her drive is lower. Many nights we lie, my head in her lap, watching tv while she gives me a world class back scratch and I gently caress her legs.


Posted via Mobile Device

CandieGirl

I only ask because I am currently in the struggle to 'change myself'. Apparently that's all I can do, in any given situation regarding my marriage. I'm in denial over that; even though I know it must be true. What I have a hard time with is why should I have to change myself, when I'm not the one that has done anything wrong? It's a tough call...

RDJ

Sorry I don't have much time to respond, on my way out of town.

Changing you does not mean that you change the person you are.

It means that you change how you react, respond to, and interact with your husband.

Don't react to his negative behavior. Live by example, you are always possitive and unaffected by him. (at least where he can see it)

Don't respond to his negative behavior. Don't feed into it. Don't have allot of time to explain this, but let him be negative, you come back/stay possitive with you. Control your thoughts, your mind. He cannot make you be anything you do not want to be. Angry, sad, hurt are all emotions that YOU control, not him!

Iteract only when possitive. "I won't allow this to go negative. We can have this discussion when we can do so in a possitive way"

I don't know your situation. What kind of man you have. You don't want to anger him? So you use your best judgement on how you can lead by example and not participate in BS.

If you are your best and he does not respond to that in time. He simply does not deserve YOU!

I hope that helps? I'm simply out of time.

Do your best to, as silly as it sounds, to find inner peace!

__________________
“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Warmly,
RDJ

Trickster

RDJ…

I can understand most of what you are saying here… I have been reading soooo many self-help books it driver me crazy sometimes. At first I was just trying to fix myself and at the same time be a little understanding with my wife.

What I discovered is that I just have the power to change myself. Or change MY attitude and change my reaction to her behavior. I can and did a 180, but that was a temporary fix. It helped some of it, but it is still there hidden deep.

So no matter how I feel inside. Whether it’s the lack of feeling desired, feeling loved, feeling respected, feeling appreciated, and feeling like a man, it has to come from me. My wife says does all of that. “Actions speak louder than words” she tells me. Only her actions don’t make me feel like she does. We don’t even say “I love you “anymore. If I think back over the 20 years, I was always the one to say I love you first. She always said I love you too.

That could be my cloudy memory speaking. I don’t know. I’ll admit, a lot of my self-esteem, I NEED from my wife. I NEED her to make me feel like a man, otherwise, I look to other women to feel that NEED! I am only human! That is where I am at now and have been for a while now. Communication doesn’t work. My wife is so passive, it’s like I am married to valium.

Of course, all of this is just in my mind like a bad dream or something. I just have to wake up and put a smile on and all will be just fine. Just love myself and she will show more love to me? I just expect way too much I guess.

galian84

Great post, RDJ! It makes sense, what you said. After all, Gandhi did say: "You must be the change you want to see in the world", and I can definitely see how that applies to relationships. But yeah, I was like you. I tried for so long to change my boyfriend, and it was exhausting. We might as well spend our energy trying to better ourselves, instead of trying to change others who may not want to change, right?

I am still struggling with this myself, trying to change my way of thinking. Any tips on doing so (when you get back, of course)?

And MEM11363, I also agree with you that showing unlimited patience and kindness leads to a toxic environment where your needs only get met when convenient. This really hit home for me. Growing up with a narcissistic mother (and possibly family), nothing was about me, everything was about serving her and serving the family. So I carried this into my relationships...I tried doing whatever I could to make my boyfriends happy, always going out of my way for them. And they, in turn, stopped doing so for me and I feel taken for granted.

Cee Paul

A few years back when I opened a discussion on having orgasims with my wife I bluntly asked her about having them, and then asked her if it was the greatest feeling in the world like it is for most men? She responded with "they do feel nice and I enjoy them - but it's not something I just can't live without"; and right at that moment I knew we were going to be in trouble sexually and now we are averaging about 1 sexual encounter every 3-4 months(even though I try all the time to get her going).

RDJ

The average person in an unhappy marriage often blames all of their negative actions on their spouse. Verbally or unspoken, they feel justified.

They have too. The only other option would be to blame themselves. How many people are willing to do this?

We all know it takes two; we can confess our sins and make some change in our marriage. But we can’t get over the hump until each person is willing to look at themselves, their contribution to the unhappiness.

How do you get there?

You take the high road. You stand on your values at all costs. Even if it means confrontation, you do not react to your partner’s negative actions and you always stay in your positive frame of mind. You work at removing all your mistreatment, bad habits, and things that you know will shut your partner down. You begin to live, behave, and express for “the greater good" of your marriage and yourself.

You express when your partner is negative, but you don't react to it. You lead through positive actions, no matter how they chose to respond. Throughout the process, believe it or not, you begin to build trust, respect, and admiration.

When you can do this consistently over a long period of time, what happens?

Your partner can no longer blame you for their own negativity, their own issues. They will hopefully take a good hard look at themselves? They simply can no longer blame shift.

If it's not too late, or they are not too stuck in their own misery, they will begin to respond in kind. If not, they may choose to end the marriage. Their choice!

If you have truly taken the high road, truly become your best self, you will have peace that you have done all you could. You may be sad that it did not work, but you will feel peace. You will know in your heart that the issue was not yours to hold onto.

Should your spouse respond with what you give? Then you can set boundaries, you can express your needs. You can then, and only then, create a MUTUALLY happy marriage...

YOU LEAD BY EXAMPLE!

Of course, thats just my opinion?

__________________
“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Warmly,
RDJ