Marriage is work and sometimes we disappoint each other. I know I am going through issues in my own marriage right now. All I can tell is that sometimes you have to step back and relook your priorities. It is easy to get caught up in the act of day to day living (paying bills, work, school, kids) sometimes you need to step back and say I appreciate you and enjoy having you as my spouse. Talk to him and let him know how you feel about his lying not just his smoking and dipping. If he decides to quit support him however he needs. If he doesn't you need to decide if it is worth it to possible loose your marriage over. Do not hint how you are feeling to him tell him straight out, we men don't do hints very well.
Well, I do believe that he has quit all of that for years now. I ASSUME (he's not smoking or anything now...) but who knows. That's not really our problem. I think that the lack of trust stems from that and all the dishonesty sort of killed what emotions I had. It's hard to live with someone you don't know if you can believe.
I've tried talking to him and I've told him point blank about things and even told him point blank what I needed from him. In turn I also asked him what he needed from me. His response was affection (I am not affectionate anymore) and RAOK's. When I read the RAOK part of things it struck a nerve with me. We have three kids and I've given the RAOK many many many times of letting him sleep in on the weekend mornings. The kids (ranging between 1 and 5) wake up at the crack of dawn and I would get up with them and I've let him sleep in for a couple of hours. The following weekend I asked him if I got to sleep in and he'd get up and he says yes, but then he just lays there. Eventually the kids just go wild and I can't go back to sleep and end up getting up. He just lays there. Ignoring it? He's a great father, but he likes his sleep. So when he mentioned RAOK that came to mind and this has happened so many times its an extreme sore spot.
I feel like he's more out for himself than making this equal/fair/joint. Whatever word you want to use.
The kids are all young, so that's an added stress. There are alot of household chores that I have zero help with and he admits that he doesn't do his share. Then he goes outside to wash the vehicles, mow the grass or whatever. I am always the "babysitter."
I love my kids dearly, but I just don't feel there's any "fairness" in this and I just feel taken advantage of in so many ways. (Not talking sexual here.)
I guess my short answer (too late!) is that I have told him exactly what I needed or wanted and it turned sour real quick when he mentioned the RAOK thing.