General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am a SAHM of 5 kids who still live at home. Two older kids work and have their own lives now.
We adopted 2 of our kids, and they have Down Syndrome. I have been a SAHM for 21 years and I honestly do not like it. I want a job, a paycheck.
DH makes good money. Second marriage for both of us. He got his dream job a year ago. I was a foster parent for 8 years and would love to work in a high level residential group home.
I have few options for daycare during the day. So I compromised and found a job that is taking applications for graveyard midnight to 7.30 am. Tuesdays and Wednesdays off.
I would come home around 8.30, go to bed at 10, sleep until 4 (kids can handle that easily and I am available for emergencies, works great if the oldest is not working, he is 19) and would still make dinner and hang out with DH in the evening before work.
DH is pissed and says I should get a hobby instead. Because he says I will burn myself out.
I can not begin to describe how burnt out I am as a SAHM...truly.
I thought this was the lowest impact on the family kind of job I could get that would still fulfill my need for a job outside the home.
The burn out that your husband is talking about is your marraige. You made decisions to adopt two handicapped children and to work outside the home which leaves you little time to spend with him. When he adjust to this and stops caring about spending time with you, your marraige is on the way to being over. When you are single, working outside the home will no longer be at your option as it will become a requirement; make sure that this is what you want while it is still your choice.
It never stops amazing me how many people take their spouses for granted and then wake up and are surprised to discover that their marriage is in trouble.
The burn out that your husband is talking about is your marraige. You made decisions to adopt two handicapped children and to work outside the home which leaves you little time to spend with him. When he adjust to this and stops caring about spending time with you, your marraige is on the way to being over. When you are single, working outside the home will no longer be at your option as it will become a requirement; make sure that this is what you want while it is still your choice.
It never stops amazing me how many people take their spouses for granted and then wake up and are surprised to discover that their marriage is in trouble.
I am not working outside of the home yet. I am putting in an application for this particular job. My time has been spent doing nothing but caring for the kids and spending time with him. How is this taking him for granted? I am still here at home right now, cooking cleaning and running the home while he is at work. And when he comes home to a clean house and a meal we spend time together in the evenings. This would include regular time together on simple dates like dinner out etc.Most of the time I am the one who initiates this, although he does sometimes as well. How am I taking him for granted? The hours of this job would leave me time every night to hang out with him as I always have. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are off completely.
I appreciate the work he does. I also feel strongly that it is wise for a woman to have the ability to support herself if needed and to keep some kind of career door open in case she would need it. Especially if there are children. Having time to nurture her own needs and desires is in my opinion beneficial to both the marriage and the children, as well as herself. Some women thrive on being a SAHM, some don't. I have always had a really tough time with the isolation that comes with that territory. Now that the kids are quite a bit older, I can fit in a job, imo. We have been looking for someone who wants to trade room and board for some child care hours, but have not found someone suitable yet. When that does happen I can switch to looking for a daytime job.
I see so many husbands on this board talking about how they want their wives to get a job. I though this was a good thing? I could be wrong.
I have been trying hard to find the kind of job that would give me the "time away " that I so desperately need while working a job I would really be good at and enjoy. I have been very selective exactly for the reason of balancing everyone else's needs as well. That is why it has taken me so long to find something that looks like it has a possibility of working out. Trust me,I would rather not work graveyard but my choices are somewhat limited due to my age and the fact I have not worked outside the home for a really long time, so that element also factors into a job search. I am hoping that other shifts will come up over time. The job I am looking to apply for is in a field I have always wanted to work in and would be really good at.
I think a lot of times what people ask for is not necessarily what they want.
A lot of men on the board ask their wives to go to work, but I think in a lot of those cases, what they are truly saying is "Please appreciate what I do and don't take me for granted and make me out to be just a checkbook."
In my case, I used to plead with my wife to stop working so much and stop spending so much time with her friends and family. Took me a while to articulate that I didn't care about the work or the friends/family, but I wanted her to have something left in the tank for me when she got home.
Maybe your H's "burnout" requests are the same thing. He may be thinking, "She's already tired most of the time, and now she wants to commit to what??"
I think a lot of times what people ask for is not necessarily what they want.
A lot of men on the board ask their wives to go to work, but I think in a lot of those cases, what they are truly saying is "Please appreciate what I do and don't take me for granted and make me out to be just a checkbook."
In my case, I used to plead with my wife to stop working so much and stop spending so much time with her friends and family. Took me a while to articulate that I didn't care about the work or the friends/family, but I wanted her to have something left in the tank for me when she got home.
Maybe your H's "burnout" requests are the same thing. He may be thinking, "She's already tired most of the time, and now she wants to commit to what??"
Very reasonable way to look at this. Very possible indeed.
The issue is, I am emotionally quite burned out on being the sole caregiver during the day while there is very little that fills my "tank" so speak. It is all "give give give" and consider others. I am fine with giving and caring, but I feel at this point also that I need the social interaction a job would provide, and the mental stimulation of doing a job that is satisfying. As I am sure you understand, caring for a home and children all day can get lonely. For me, I just find it incredibly isolating.
And he supposedly is fine with me getting a job. Just not this one. I am not sure he understands how limited the job options really are for someone who has no degree and who has not worked out of the home for a very long time. I think me getting back into the work force will in the long run be beneficial for us.. Getting a "hobby" costs money instead of makes money. That, and the occasional here and there "getting out of the house: stuff is nice and has value, It is just not what I would like to do with my life...eventually the kids will be grown and I was hoping to have some kind of job I enjoy doing by then to both fill time and meet my needs for interaction with other adults. I am in my early 40's now....so building that foundation should probably happen sooner rather than later...
His needs and the kid's needs have been placed first our entire marriage. I just would like mine to be considered as well. I though that the hours of this particular job balanced everyone's needs better than others, It is not ideal, but neither is me staying a SAHM who is unhappy being a SAHM full time.
The way he responded just left me feeling like I can never come up with the kind of job/schedule that is going to meet their needs and his approvalAnd I really do try hard to balance.
His needs and the kid's needs have been placed first our entire marriage.
Do you think that your husband would agree with this statement?
I think what is really good is that you know what you want and need. That's a strong position to make decisions out of. Just understand that your view of your marital history probably doesn't match up with his.
Also, working opposite shifts has contributed to a lot of divorces if you read a bit on this board, so be careful. Talk with your husband. Don't try to find the balance yourself - talk to your H and find the balance together.
Do you think that your husband would agree with this statement?
I think what is really good is that you know what you want and need. That's a strong position to make decisions out of. Just understand that your view of your marital history probably doesn't match up with his.
Also, working opposite shifts has contributed to a lot of divorces if you read a bit on this board, so be careful. Talk with your husband. Don't try to find the balance yourself - talk to your H and find the balance together.
We have actually had that discussion in depth. He says that I am meeting his needs. Seriously. I asked what if anything I could do to meet his needs better. He says his needs ARE met. Nothing else he needs. Truth be told...I found that a bit odd.. especially since we have had some arguments that would indicate otherwise.... but I can only go by what he says, and if he is not lying then it looks like our views agree. I actually stated to him that I think things could improve in our marriage, he says everything is just fine.
Like I said...*shrug*....... trying......
And the kids needs? He says they are being cared for very well...so I would say yes. But I check in with my kids often regarding their needs, so I am fairly confident things in that area are okay.
Opposite shifts do suck. I weighed that against "unhappy wife" and decided that it is worth seeing if I would feel like I have more to "give" to our relationship if I take some responsibility for my own happiness as well. If that makes sense.
The issue is, I am emotionally quite burned out on being the sole caregiver during the day while there is very little that fills my "tank" so speak. It is all "give give give" and consider others. I am fine with giving and caring, but I feel at this point also that I need the social interaction a job would provide, and the mental stimulation of doing a job that is satisfying. As I am sure you understand, caring for a home and children all day can get lonely. For me, I just find it incredibly isolating.
Can you clarify on the job you are trying to get? I understand it to be in a group home, which seems to be a whole lot of "giving" that would be involved. If that understanding is correct, why is that "giving" desireable while the giving to your family, including the two special needs children that you specifically selected to add to your family, is not desireable.
I think maybe part of the problem I am seeing is that you chose to add this children to your family (which is a wonderful thing) and now want to get away from them. The kids did not chose you. So while I understand that you may have changed your mind, I am having a hard time seeing how this will be fair to them.
I really am not trying to attack you, just wanting to get a better understanding of the dynamics and thought process.
It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.
It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.
ETA: Oops - sorry to speak for you, yinyang!
Not sure that is a woman things so much as a stay at home parent thing, but okay. I can certainly see that. Just not sure this was not foreseeable with the adoption of two special needs kids, or how she is not changing in mid-stream for both those kids and the rest of the family. Does not make her wrong, just makes it understandable why the husband is balking.
Perhaps it just comes down to her explaining this to her husband and also explaining what actions can be taken to make sure this works for everyone (and not just her at their expense). Not that they don't need to adjust, but that the adjustment and work does not fall solely on them.
Can you clarify on the job you are trying to get? I understand it to be in a group home, which seems to be a whole lot of "giving" that would be involved. If that understanding is correct, why is that "giving" desireable while the giving to your family, including the two special needs children that you specifically selected to add to your family, is not desireable.
I think maybe part of the problem I am seeing is that you chose to add this children to your family (which is a wonderful thing) and now want to get away from them. The kids did not chose you. So while I understand that you may have changed your mind, I am having a hard time seeing how this will be fair to them.
I really am not trying to attack you, just wanting to get a better understanding of the dynamics and thought process.
The job:
Adult group home/transitional living place for homeless people who have mental health issues. "Upnight" staff. Basically, lots of paperwork, some data entry, and some direct house supervision. My 8 years as a foster parent gave me a lot of experience that these folks are looking for, for some reason. Probably my knowledge of "the system" LOL.
Would it help if I explained I have been a SAHM for 21 years? And that I fully planned to work during my first marriage but was sabotaged in those efforts repeatedly? Even efforts at going to school were messed with. Yes, ex husband was abusive, if that helps for reference. Would it help if I pointed out that the adopted children are NOT the only children in the home, and that when we adopted DH knew full well and agreed that I would return to work once the kids were settled. Keyword "agreed"? Would you say that 3 years home after adoption they might be fairly settled in? So yes, it was absolutely foreseeable.
When we married (8 years ago) he knew I did not like being a SAHM and was planning on changing that eventually. He has always said he is fine with that.
So this is not some "lightning on a clear day" situation for my husband at all. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
Also, I can not stress this enough, the schedule for this job is such that it has the LEAST possible impact on the kids, and I chose that on on purpose. They will be asleep when I work, and once I settle the issues we are currently dealing with regarding the school district special education department, the two kids with special needs should be attending the appropriate school placement and won't be home during the day (which is when I will spend some time sleeping, obviously). The rest of the kids are teens and would truly be fine.They are actually very supportive of me going back to work,we discussed it.
And as far as DH goes, I am still cooking dinner, still hanging out with him in the evenings as always. He says he doesn't care I won't be in bed at nights a week. THAT is not the issue according to him, but me burning out is. I think there is more going on then he is letting on to, but what I can I say. If that is the case, it is his responsibility to bring any additional stuff up. I do not mind read well.
Turnera hit the nail on the head, word for word, although i would change the "woman thing" to "stay at home parent". And I think my family will benefit tremendously from me having a job I enjoy. Working graveyard is not forever...although me working day shift would be much tougher on everyone than me being gone nights....
I never said that giving to my family is not desirable. Clearly I would still be doing plenty of giving to them as well. I am not moving out. I am trying to get a job. A job with hours that allow me to give a lot to them still,while also giving myself the opportunity to make the first steps towards a career and some much needed adult interaction. I am not sure why that needs to be described as if I am valuing "giving" to my family less than giving to others. I would just like to do both. Is that really that horrible? I think I would be even better at giving to my family when I get more outside interaction and mental stimulation.
It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.
ETA: Oops - sorry to speak for you, yinyang!
Thank you. You understand. You hit the nail on the head.
I would add to this as well that I also want a job so I have it in case of emergencies, like DH being unable to work for some reason or him losing his job. Life has a way of throwing crappy curve balls, and it creates a sense of security for me to know that , would something happen to DH's income, we would still have my income. Kids are NOT cheap and in this economy, it makes sense to me.
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Help me understand 
And I really do try hard to balance.
