General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am completely lost. I have no idea who I am or what I am meant to be doing any more. The constant unsettledness between me and my H is bringing me down.
He hit me with this earlier and I just threw my hands up in the air with utter frustration...
I explained how I had been giving him "space" this week. I have been wanting him to meet me halfway with meeting each of our needs. So I figured I could only work on me. He has told me many times how he wants space. When he gets in from work after a hard day and a crazy dinner time with the kids, all he wants to do is chill out with a beer in front of the TV.
Couple this with him saying the other week he felt I relied on him too much for "entertainment". Never my intention but what he felt pressure from.
So I decided to give him space. Spent the week in the evenings leaving him be. Occupying myself with stuff, not pressing him in to conversation when he is watching TV.
I explain this to him. His reaction? Well, he acted like I was stupid. "Yeah coz of course that's what I want" he said sarcastically when I explain. I ask what he means. "You just do things backwards. You go the wrong way about things." And then he had to go off.
I am at a loss. I truly genuinely thought I was listening and giving him what he was asking for. But he DOES NOT want that. So what does he want and what did he mean? I am at the end of my patience now. I am so frustrated with the blank reception and the way he builds a situation then when I react, acts like I am insane and I have made it all up in my head. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't understand at all. Was he trying to say that you shouldn't get any credit for doing it because that's what you should have been doing all along?
Truly, honey, I'm sorry. I don't know what he meant. But you are doing what you can, and you are not insane. At least, not as far as I can tell
lamaga, it is scarily like the situation with his rejecting me for sex. For months that went on, then when I started to get serious that it was affecting me emotionally, he pretty much said he has never rejected me that much and he does not remember me initiating. I give him specific examples and he just does not remember. Part of the trouble is what I consider to be harsh words, he considers "normal" talk. The much harsher stuff he's said? He will apologize but only when he is being giving and can see he has hurt me. The thing is he is saying that he has no recollection of saying it then apologizes anyway but it is like he is apogizing for someone else and he is the innocent friend.
It is playing with my head I know that for sure. Posted via Mobile Device
Thing is I back off then get accused of playing games. Either that or he then says well if I have backed off then why should he do anything for me that I ask? Posted via Mobile Device
Now he has switched back to perfectly OK mode. I cannot do that. I accept he does not let things bother him as much. I just get annoyed that he goes all nice like everything is OK. Then *I* am the bad guy if I bring it up as being unresolved. He never actually acknowledges we haven't resolved anything. Posted via Mobile Device
I truly genuinely thought I was listening and giving him what he was asking for. But he DOES NOT want that. So what does he want and what did he mean?
Only he knows.... really.
But I would ask you this --- why are spending your energy and attention trying to act a certain way, be uncomfortable in your own skin, and so focused on behaving the way you think he wants?
This should not be about backing off because that's what he wants.
It should be about becoming more independent.
Re-programming your thinking. Nah, you are not broken. Just in a funk. New path.
Yes, think of his needs, but in a way that is universal.
Universally.... how should you treat someone? With respect. Be caring. If you are getting a snack, ask if they want one. Help if they are tired, etc. Offer a hug when they get home. Let them know you missed them.
No, don't take it any further than that!
No don't keep score. No, don't withold being YOU to try and get a different reaction out of him.
It's like re-programming yourself.
Give yourself a list of what you are responsible for.
Your "job" as a human being is:
Your purpose here on the planet is:
Fill in your own blanks.
Mine would read:
Be a caring person
Help others
Share with others
None of that has anything to do with being single, married, or otherwise. It's just the ME that exists, isn't lost, but sometimes gets "clouded" with crap going on.
When life gets really digusting, and overwhelming, pull out that list. Really, that's all you are responsible for. Focus on that, and the rest of life seems to fall into place.
Deejov is getting to the heart of your matter, WW. Your decision to give your husband space was not being genuine to yourself, and because of that, it sort of is game-playing.
Go live YOUR life, according to YOUR values, and do it without being disrespectful or malicious to your husband.
When you're back to being whole - not needing him, not having unspoken expectations, and feeling generally happy no matter what he is or isn't doing, you'll be surprised at how things start to change between him and you.
If you haven't yet started attending a codependency group, please consider checking one out.
I truly genuinely thought I was listening and giving him what he was asking for. But he DOES NOT want that. So what does he want and what did he mean?
Only he knows.... really.
But I would ask you this --- why are spending your energy and attention trying to act a certain way, be uncomfortable in your own skin, and so focused on behaving the way you think he wants?
This should not be about backing off because that's what he wants.
It should be about becoming more independent.
Re-programming your thinking. Nah, you are not broken. Just in a funk. New path.
Yes, think of his needs, but in a way that is universal.
Universally.... how should you treat someone? With respect. Be caring. If you are getting a snack, ask if they want one. Help if they are tired, etc. Offer a hug when they get home. Let them know you missed them.
No, don't take it any further than that!
No don't keep score. No, don't withold being YOU to try and get a different reaction out of him.
It's like re-programming yourself.
Give yourself a list of what you are responsible for.
Your "job" as a human being is:
Your purpose here on the planet is:
Fill in your own blanks.
Mine would read:
Be a caring person
Help others
Share with others
None of that has anything to do with being single, married, or otherwise. It's just the ME that exists, isn't lost, but sometimes gets "clouded" with crap going on.
When life gets really digusting, and overwhelming, pull out that list. Really, that's all you are responsible for. Focus on that, and the rest of life seems to fall into place.
Some of the best advise I have read anywhere.. bravo deejov.. might have helped me more then the OP
7Likes
I am so lost and broken... 
