OhGeesh

Ya'll are both way too highstrung.........I can't fathom eithe scenario ever being a issue in a million years. Both of ya'll chill out have fun, bend don't break, smile

Stonewall

Pick your battles carefully. This is advice for both of you. Life is short. What value will this little spat have throughout that life. I don't know how long ya'll have been together but take it from me; somethings are better off ignored and not even addressed at least in the moment.

Make a point to ignore each others little misdeeds and only go after high value targets, if you will. After 37 years with my W this is a lesson we learned a long time ago and have had a fairy tale relationship ever since.

Good luck

livelaughlovenow

This arguement is rooted in your spouse not feeling like he is a priority of yours, but you expecting him to make you a priority. You should always make those small moments when your spouse requests them, unless in an emergency situation, I highly doubt your email couldn't have waited ten seconds for you to give him your opinion on the tie. Think about other ways you have done similar situations... he wouldn't have blown up if this wasn't a reocurring theme in your marriage.

Bambusa

llln, it is not a recurring theme in our marriage, however the constantly requiring my immediate attention is.

He has now admitted he did this to pay me back and has apologised.

Yes, he felt rejected because I didn't drop my email instantly. I had good reason. At that point I was working calculations in 4 currencies and had just performed one of those calculations that was to go into an email. I was halfway through that sentence and he admits it was wrong to be so annoyed that I didn't stop immediately and in hindsight knows it was wrong.

My husband has a problem with needing instant gratification and on this it was fair that he should have waited.

The bigger issue is his feeling rejected over something like this.

For the most part we have a happy marriage but little things like this rear their ugly head sometimes and it's usually a symptom of something else he is feeling but not saying.

He has obviously stewed on this quietly for weeks instead of talking about it and when he did talk about it it was done in a vindictive way, which resolved nothing.

EleGirl

Sounds like the two of you have gotten over this bump.

Since he has this need for you to pay immediate attention, I wonder if the two of you can come up with a signal. When you are doing something like you were with email and currency calculations just give him the signal. And he has to agree that when he gives you the signal he will go into patients mode. And he can use it with you as well.

One signal that came to mind is the sign for "I Love You". Do a google search for the image of it. 1m1r ... open hand, two middle fingers down.

So when you are telling him you need a moment to finish what you are doing, you are also telling him that you love him.

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Bambusa

The signal I sent was pretty clear...'hold on a few seconds', but I really like yours. Thanks.

You've given me some great food for thought.

Halien

Bambusa,

As I read through your thread, a different meaning behind your husband's complait came to me, and while there is no way to know if this was what he was really voicing when he said that there are different standards between the two of you, I really think the approach can possibly help you to look deeper into conflicts, and try to see what is really being said.

After being married for a number of years, and after a similar argument, something that is really pretty insignificant compared to the love we share in our marriage, the words that I heard often in my youth came back to me. It was just a common theme within the small, native american community where I lived. When a person starts an argument, you can listen to their words, but you should also listen for the words of their spirit. I'm really talking about some inner hurt that your husband was possibly harboring, which led him to latch on to this example and say that the two of you have differing standards in the marriage. Normally, if his mind is happy and content with the marriage, you have to admit that he would be more likely to just let little things like this go.

So, what I'm suggesting is to look at what he is saying, but also look deeper at what he is FEELING in every argument like this. You are only addressing this particular instance, and like a lawyer in a legal defense hearing before a judge, you are building evidence to show that his claim should be dismissed, if the allegory makes any sense.

I understand that this could completely miss the mark, but let me propose what your husband might really be saying when he brought up this argument. He FELT that that you value your own need to have a question answered higher than you value his need in similar situations. Maybe he thinks you have different expectations for him than you hold yourself to. From your words, though, you sound like a person who puts a lot of thought into treating your husband fairly, compared to how you are treated by him. He could be completely wrong in his feelings, but this wasn't effectively discussed, because the argument was largely about his tie and the question you asked while he had his headphones in.

My point here is to try to look at arguments at two levels. What is he saying at the moment (this particular argument), and what is he really saying about how he feels (considering how you expect to be treated by him versus how you treat him, or whatever he is really feeling)?

Consider how much time you spent in talking about the hand signals you did or did not give before answering a question. Consider how the two of you discussed your email, versus his choice of tie in the argument, or how you proved rationally and logically that the two incidences did not meet acceptable criteria to be compared equally. I'd suggest that simply assuring him that you did not mean to give him the impression that you don't value his feelings could have gotten to the root of the problem, and could've settled the argument once and for all. Instead, if he still has a lingering feeling that he is not valued as highly as you expect to be valued by him, he'll keep looking for examples to bring up this argument over and over again.

My wife and I gradually learned to get better at looking past the particular example, and into the wounded spirit, or feelings beneath it. It taught us to address why it was so easy to look for excuses to argue, and to address these unanswered questions instead.

moxy

You're both being less considerate of each other than you ought to.

Pulling his earphone out and pausing his movie, instead of waiting for him to do so is both crass and rude! Would you have liked it if he lifted your hands off the keyboard and turned your chair toward him? No. Doesn't matter whether you think your task was more important; you don't get to be the judge of that because he isn't your tool or puppet. In the same way, he doesn't get to decide whether what you're doing is unimportant enough to interrupt. You are both being rude to each other.

I think you were way out of line and need to think about mutual respect (and maybe he does, too).

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TRy

Your husband was just wrong. You only asked that he wait a minute as you finished with a train of thought. Waiting for the movie to be over could have lasted 2 hours. There is a big difference between being asked to wait a minute and waiting 2 hours. Your husband also did not ask you to wait a minute. Your husband is being dishonest when he tries to make it as if the two very different things are the same. Also, he is ignoring the many times you let him interrupt you because you are not deep in thought. He is not trying to communicate but is trying to win. Since that is his goal you are wasting your time trying to use logic as he does not want to understand.

Bambusa

Halien you are incredibly spot on.

I am a very logical, very factual person. I try to analyse things objectively. When working or making everyday decisions I need facts to bring me to a conclusion. On most occasions I can articulate how I am feeling very well and pinpoint exactly what my problem is. It's the way my brain is wired.

My husband is a little bit different. He doesn't articulate his thoughts so well and he can bend the truth to achieve his agenda. Sometimes I think he believes the point he is trying to make IS actually what he means but he hasn't analysed it enough to work out if that really is the problem or the symptom.

It is not often that either of us get upset like that and most days it's water off a ducks back. Occasionally though and in this case, he brought up something that was bothering him in a way that both frustrated me and left me feeling attacked (because I knew the issue he raised was unfair and that there must be something else to it but he insisted there wasn't).

The root problem was his feelings of rejection and his state of mind over the past few weeks (stressed with work).

Bambusa

Try, you are spot on there too.

He has admitted the two were not the same situations and that he was point scoring. He admits that he had given me the all clear to interrupt.

There were other issues in play that he didn't articulate too well and at the end of the day it's not about scoring a win, but about repairing the relationship.

Neither of us handled the situation well. You live and you learn.

livelaughlovenow

Ah... maybe you need to request of him that he not hold things in, and talk to you about them when they first start to bother him, that way resentment does not build. This is something my husband requested of me, and the difference is astounding because I am less upset when I just talk to him about it inititally then if I stew on it (like your husband does). I used to be of the mindset that i needed to think about things, see if it really mattered, however, i have anxiety and that woudl make things worse and by the time I did bring it up, it was magnified. I would talk to him and make this simple request and in return, ask him if there is anything you can do for him to make your relationship better. I did the same and have been getting what I requested from my husband and we are both so much more happier, and like you said, they were little things, however, little things can often magnify or add up and become something big

Bambusa

llln, I think that is exactly it, mix that with, he often can't put his finger on what part of something has actually upset him. Instead of sitting down and discussing it rationally and maybe analysing it together, in this instance he waited for an opportunity to pay me back, instead of talking to me and working through it together. Instead of just walking away and giving both of us some time to think about it, I took the bait and bit back and it escalated from there.

We worked through it in the end. I just wish we could have done it without the long winded fight.

WillK

So tired so I gotta make it short. Is that a realistic expectation to fit within the framework of how a man works?

Next time try a different approach. If you can't wait for him to stop the movie, flash him. Then you'll get his attention and he probably won't remember the last time you made him wait.

No brain activity required on his part.

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Bambusa

Bwahahaha!

Thanks for the laugh. I'll apply that to future interruptions.

The interruption it turns out wasn't the issue. It was the feeling of rejection when I asked him to wait.