Argument this morning

Bambusa · 06-15-2012, 09:45 PM

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WillK · 06-15-2012, 10:16 PM

With all due respect, you're making yourself out to be the ultimate judge of whose time is and is not valuable.

You valued your time typing on the keyboard.
You devalued his request for input on the tie.
You devalued his time doing what he wanted which you interrupted.
You valued your request of him enough to pull an earphone out of his ear instead of wait.

I respectfully submit that I believe you have already lost respect for your husband.

Now, if you and him go in circles in a fight - then he probably doesn't know how to difuse the situation when you start taking over control. He has a role in enabling your behavior.

He's taking the right first step in calling you out for the double standard, but he's got to learn to stick to it in a way that is respectful and hehasn't got that figured out if it escalates.

You probably react in a manner that makes it harder....

I dunno, I've had a rough day and I feel like I'm about to go in circles myself over this. You both screwed up, but since you're posting let's start with you realizing your husband is right that you've got a double standard.

Bambusa · 06-15-2012, 10:53 PM

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EleGirl · 06-15-2012, 11:27 PM

I think that you are putting a lot of energy into trying to win an arugment. Pick your battles better.

Your husband will not admit to getting your point. You don't get his.

You have each had your say.

So now it's time to drop it and move on. Perhaps both of you have now learned that giving each other more respect and patients when wanting the other's attention is a good idea. Isn't that the issue here.

Just give him a kiss and a hug. Tell him you get his point (even if you don't). And tell him that he's right. You should both respect each other when wanting the other's attention.

There it's done. Move on.

Bambusa · 06-15-2012, 11:53 PM

EleGirl, thank-you. At the time I did do that, but he wanted to keep going on and on about it. It wasn't enough for me to say sorry, he really wanted to beat me up about it.

You're right that it is too much energy and to be honest I'm feeling pretty drained after it.

Now that we've both had a chance to cool down I will forget it happened and hope he can do the same.

EleGirl · 06-16-2012, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambusa

EleGirl, thank-you. At the time I did do that, but he wanted to keep going on and on about it. It wasn't enough for me to say sorry, he really wanted to beat me up about it.

You're right that it is too much energy and to be honest I'm feeling pretty drained after it.

Now that we've both had a chance to cool down I will forget it happened and hope he can do the same.

I find that even when someone goes on as your husband did and will not give up their position, over time it sinks in. So just let his subconcious sort this out.

Bambusa · 06-16-2012, 12:45 AM

EleGirl in hindsight when he refused to accept my apology I should have walked away instead of retaliating.

heartsbeating · 06-16-2012, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambusa

In the end I just lost it with him and told him to go away if he was just going to use a valid and genuine issue I/we had raised in the past to beat me up with now, because he wanted to make a point.

Is it me? Am I going mental here and really missing something?

Because honestly if it's not a tit for tat argument then seriously, I'm lost.

It's moments like these that I lose a great deal of respect for my husband.

I agree that going around and around in circles is pointless. The wording you used "I told him to go away..." came across as dismissive to me. Maybe he was just starting up something for the sake of it, I don't know. It sounds as though you were both frustrated, you'd had enough and dismissed him, which in my opinion, translates to you dismissing his feelings. Which a step further, makes me think you don't have much regard for his feelings.....lack respect. Which you yourself said, in those moments, you do lose a great deal of respect for him. I wonder how it feels to be on the receiving end of that?

You made mention that you were sorry, but then followed with he didn't accept your apology and you retaliated. You didn't agree with/understand why he was raising this, so why were you saying sorry? Apologies if I've overlooked this, but is it possible he didn't accept the "sorry" because he knew that you weren't? That he didn't feel heard, and perhaps just felt dismissed?

We don't hear his side, so I lean towards giving some benefit of the doubt in his favor.

Okay to answer your questions........Yes, it's you. And yes, it's him too. I read the post you made in the Ladies Lounge. I'd say it's safe to assume there's more levels to this than whether he interrupted your email about a tie, and whether he was to be interrupted in return (yes, regardless of body language etc).

I don't think the questions to be asking are whether or not he had a problem with you pausing his movie.

To really gain understanding of him, if you indeed want to, would be to first abandon your own 'positioning' and start asking broader questions and having frank conversations about where your relationship is at. And be prepared to listen. Yes, you have needs too, I'm not saying it's all about him. You're the one who's posting though, so it tends to become about what you can do.

....by the way, welcome! There's lots of really helpful folk here, always with a range of perspectives and thoughts.

Bambusa · 06-16-2012, 01:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartsbeating

The wording you used "I told him to go away..." came across as dismissive to me. Maybe he was just starting up something for the sake of it, I don't know. It sounds as though you were both frustrated, you'd had enough and dismissed him, which in my opinion, translates to you dismissing his feelings. Which a step further, makes me think you don't have much regard for his feelings.....lack respect. Which you yourself said, in those moments, you do lose a great deal of respect for him. I wonder how it feels to be on the receiving end of that?

You made mention that you were sorry, but then followed with he didn't accept your apology and you retaliated. You didn't agree with/understand why he was raising this, so why were you saying sorry? Apologies if I've overlooked this, but is it possible he didn't accept the "sorry" because he knew that you weren't? That he didn't feel heard, and perhaps just felt dismissed?

We don't hear his side, so I lean towards giving some benefit of the doubt in his favor.

Okay to answer your questions........Yes, it's you. And yes, it's him too. I read the post you made in the Ladies Lounge. I'd say it's safe to assume there's more levels to this than whether he interrupted your email about a tie, and whether he was to be interrupted in return (yes, regardless of body language etc).

I don't think the questions to be asking are whether or not he had a problem with you pausing his movie.

To really gain understanding of him, if you indeed want to, would be to first abandon your own 'positioning' and start asking broader questions and having frank conversations about where your relationship is at. And be prepared to listen. Yes, you have needs to, I'm not saying it's all about him. You're the one who's posting though, so it tends to become about what you can do.

....by the way, welcome! There's lots of really helpful folk here, always with a range of perspectives and thoughts.

It was definitely dismissive. I was quite angry at that point so didn't say it in the most pleasant way I could have. I take responsibility for that.

I did apologise without really understanding what I was apologising for and I still don't get what the point was. But apologised to try to defuse the situation. I explained to him very calmly and very rationally that I didn't understand what point he was trying to make and if he felt I had a double standard then I was sorry it made him that way and tried to explain that it was not my intent.

He wasn't happy with that and kept going on about it and criticising me.

The whole thing was blown way out of proportion. There is more than one way to skin a cat and I felt that I on the receiving end of a full frontal attack, and not an issue raised in a loving repairing way.

Bambusa · 06-16-2012, 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartsbeating

Okay to answer your questions........Yes, it's you. And yes, it's him too. I read the post you made in the Ladies Lounge. I'd say it's safe to assume there's more levels to this than whether he interrupted your email about a tie, and whether he was to be interrupted in return (yes, regardless of body language etc).

I don't think the questions to be asking are whether or not he had a problem with you pausing his movie.

To really gain understanding of him, if you indeed want to, would be to first abandon your own 'positioning' and start asking broader questions and having frank conversations about where your relationship is at. And be prepared to listen. Yes, you have needs too, I'm not saying it's all about him. You're the one who's posting though, so it tends to become about what you can do.

Thanks heartsbeating. Could you clarify what you mean by this a little further?

Especially the broader questioning.

For the most part we have a happy marriage in my opinion. It's just moments like these that come up infrequently that really suck the life out of me.

heartsbeating · 06-16-2012, 02:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambusa

Thanks heartsbeating. Could you clarify what you mean by this a little further?

Especially the broader questioning.

For the most part we have a happy marriage in my opinion. It's just moments like these that come up infrequently that really suck the life out of me.

I'm not a therapist (obviously!) so I don't have specific suggestions on how or what broader questions you might need to consider .....how helpful was that?! < This is why I write on here instead of sitting on a comfy leather arm chair and charging for my time.

Reading your other post, it seems there are things that are going on, that if left to continue in the way that they are, are likely going to contribute to a less than ideal dynamic between you. The cracks are usually slow to form. Maybe it's just time to start considering where you're both at and scratching beneath the surface.

You'll need to find your own way on that journey. It doesn't mean you don't have a "happy" marriage. I think you'll find many couples that are in love and content within their marriages here, but it still takes continued awareness, learning about one another and your own growth. Dig?

Bambusa · 06-16-2012, 02:09 AM

heartsbeating, it might be worth an update.

I just read the post from 2010...such a long time ago.

My husband and I did separate soon after that. A few months later we went to a very good counsellor. What was highlighted was the fact that my boundaries were too flexible and the relationship was very one sided balancing higher in favour of my husbands needs.

Along with the 4 horseman, emotional abuse and the need for time out when things got heated.

Since counselling our relationship has improved 100 fold and as I mentioned we are very happy for the most part now.

These types of arguments are infrequent by they are damaging and it does serve as a reminder sometimes to go back to basics.

heartsbeating · 06-16-2012, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambusa

heartsbeating, it might be worth an update.

I just read the post from 2010...such a long time ago.

My husband and I did separate soon after that. A few months later we went to a very good counsellor. What was highlighted was the fact that my boundaries were too flexible and the relationship was very one sided balancing higher in favour of my husbands needs.

Along with the 4 horseman, emotional abuse and the need for time out when things got heated.

Since counselling our relationship has improved 100 fold and as I mentioned we are very happy for the most part now.

These types of arguments are infrequent by they are damaging and it does serve as a reminder sometimes to go back to basics.

Oh I hadn't read the post from 2010 - I didn't know your history. I was referring to the post in the Ladies Lounge where you shared a perspective to one of the men asking how he could help his wife to feel sexier.

It's great to hear your relationship has improved 100 fold and no doubt you learned a lot for yourself from the counseling.

The reminders are needed - particularly about the 4 Horseman. There are a couple of simple articles in the "Long Term Success in Marriage" about some of the main components to a healthy relationship. It's written simply yet if you let the points simmer in your mind, it will no doubt translate to your every day and how important they are.

Bambusa · 06-16-2012, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartsbeating

I was referring to the post in the Ladies Lounge where you shared a perspective to one of the men asking how he could help his wife to feel sexier.

Not a good day for me to be handing out advice.

heartsbeating · 06-16-2012, 02:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambusa

Not a good day for me to be handing out advice.

Maybe it actually was the right day for you though.....nothing wrong with venting, it helps get it out of your head and when you see it as words in front of you, often helps make it clearer. Others can then offer their take and it might be the very thing that YOU need.