Bambusa

This is one point that that I would see as a detrimental issue. Not trying to force your views on what is right and wrong on to someone else.

If the values are so different and a compromise cannot be found, then it's an issue for the relationship. And the key is something that is reasonable and fair.

Entropy, just because I don't agree with your view, does not mean I therefore must fit some other category of someone who puts friendship over marriage. My marriage is very important to me. I also have needs/dreams/values that are very important to me too.

Just because I don't see eye to eye with my husband on something does not mean that I am placing that, over my husband. There is a difference between putting something that is very important to me over something that is important to my husband at that moment in time vs putting something first over my husband as a person.

To me, it's enmeshment to believe that someone HAS to share the same thoughts, feelings, dreams and values as the other person. Sometimes they marry up and sometimes they don't. This is one of those moments.

Sure it's really upsetting to him and hell, if I had met someone who cheated on their last wife with me I'd probably be feeling a bit threatened by it too.

There are some variables in there though, one, she is married to the OP, they have children together, it may have been a one off and if he feels it's not and that he has reason not to trust her then there is a bigger problem than her working out with another man.

Trust for me is a huge thing. Real or perceived, if I can't trust someone I couldn't be in a relationship with them. The games that would play with your head would be terrible.

I don't believe in cheating on someone because that is part of my core values. It wouldn't matter if I was in the most unhappy marriage I could never do that to myself, let alone someone else and I feel my husband and I share that same value.

No amount of chemicals floating around in the air would ever entice me to throw those values away.

I'd be asking myself why I had such a big problem with it. What is it about her jogging with another man that is really upsetting me at my core and for me that would likely help me to decide what to do.

Just telling her she can't do it is obviously not working. He's told her to stop and she's said I can't/won't/don't want to. So there is a stalemate. Where to from here?

How important is it to the OP? If she continues is this something that is a definite deal breaker. If so then it might be worth sitting down and explaining to her that he feels THAT passionately about it, in which case he may have to call it.

I do like the idea of becoming involved. It may not be at their level but maybe arrange to all meet at a track and you play stopwatch for her to see how her time is improving etc. Then you could judge the interaction for yourself.

Bambusa

I have a problem with this particular way of dealing with an issue. They are not just HER children, they are THEIR children. He is not doing her a babysitting favour. They have a shared responsibility for them.

If it's my boundary and something that was critical to me, I would find another consequence.

I don't know what the answer is.

When you've spoken to her about the fact that you two met the same way and she left her then partner for you, hence you feel uncomfortable with the current situation, what did she say?

eowyn

OP, I didn't read the entire thread, just the answers to my initial questions.... With respect to the one you answered above, don't you think this is too much of a coincidence? I am not an expert at how EA/PA would begin, but I would imagine either (1) out of ignorance and/or negligence from both sides or (2) if initiated by one person who wants to involve the other person and arranges for some kind of a setup.

In this respect, here is my question...

1. 13 yrs ago when you and your wife started athletic pursuits who had initiated these athletic pursuits? You or Her? Was is just the two of you? Can you elaborate little bit on this episode?

2. For the current running sessions with her colleague, you mention it was going to be a group and then few people dropped etc etc.... and now it is just him and her. Do you know whose idea was it to begin with? His idea, Her idea or was it suggested by someone else in the group that dropped out?

If the answer to both above questions is HER I would say this is not a red flag, but rather a SUPER RED FLAG.

the guy

So your wife is cheating you out of a emotional connection with the marriage and is spending a boat load of time with some one other then her spouse......
Her priorty is with her running and not with you and disrespects your wishes to stop spending all her time with her running partner...

So her marriage partner is replaced with a running partner and you think you are at an impasse......

I suggest you go find some one that wants to put thier marriage on the front burner and her other interest on the back burner, but thats just me.
I mean if I'm going to put up with a chick I better get some reward for it. I mean your working your but off for a marriage and your spouse ain't doing jack sh!t about it.

So your wifes marriage is fine and your marriage sucks, and you will put up with this unhappiness b/c your affraid to let her go. I guess she has your number and knows damb well your not going any were so she continues.

Sorry brother!

From what I read thats my $0.02.

eowyn

TRy

I am not saying that they are not his children or that he is doing her a favor by babysitting them. What I am saying is just do not enable her to run by babysitting during those 5 hours that she wants to spend with the other man (OM). There are plenty of other hours in the week that he can make up for it and carry his share of the load, just not during the hours of her choosing that she wants to be with the OM.

Why is it that those that are cheated on are held to a standard of perfection, when the cheater gets to hold themselves to no standard at all? The answer is because those that are cheated on let them. It may not make him the perfect husband not to babysit their children so that his wife can be with OM, but it sure makes him a smart one. Again, he should stop watching the children when she is going to use that time to be with the OM. BTW cheaters always say that the OM is just a friend, always have a reason to spend time with the OM, and always get mad at you and call you jealous and controlling when you try to stop them from seeing the OM.

Bambusa

The children thing I could just see issues with and I personally would have a very big problem with it if my husband used that as a tool. That's just me.

I don't believe one should be held to perfection and the other not.

However, you can never control how someone else behaves, you are only responsible for how you behave. Believing it's ok to behave badly because someone else did is a slippery slope.

Bambusa

I like knowing that my husband is with me and does not cheat because he loves me, not because I control his environment.

If he was going to cheat I'd rather it happen sooner than later.

tobio

I used to be like you. I used to very much possess the same thoughts and beliefs about opposite-sex friendships and jealousy issues. I would argue them til the cows came home. And believe me, what you say, whwn I used to say those things too, I also argued the same things you do.

What happened? My now-husband had an EA. Was on a months' job at work and was spotted by a girl working there. She made a beeline for him and pursued him HARD. They spend time at work talking about all sorts, she did attentive little things for him. He looked her up on Facebook and she gave him her number.

They ended up kissing and thus ensued him being in a "fog" that caused us no end of trouble for a couple of months. We had to do counselling after he moved out not knowing what he wanted anymore and left me at home with out five-month-old baby - as well as the three older ones.

Now? Yeah I'm not so liberal about it. He was the poster boy for "no way I'd ever cheat." He did not go out looking to cheat. To him it was someone being friendly. Progressed to attraction from that. Boundaries were overstepped bit by little bit. Justified by being "friends."

He looks back now at how he acted and it is safe to say he is incredibly embarrassed. It is SO EASY for it to happen like this.

I still like you feel I wouldn't cheat. However I am acutely aware now of how attraction can be fuelled and I believe Entropy's point is not that the OP's W IS cheating but that the environment she has placed herself in - of one-to-one time with a single guy, is ripe for feelings to develop. It may be very noble to say that even if you are attracted to someone it doesn't mean you'd cross the line, but why put yourself in a position to test that - it's a test that isn't just governed by logic but a shedload of hormones whether you feel you can fight those or not. The odds aren't governed totally by your good rationality.

The other major thing is that his W is not respecting the OP's feelings on this one. I think he has some careful thinking to do about how to proceed. There is no shame in acting to protect your marriage rather than heing busy considering why he doesn't like it. He knows that and he is completely justified.
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RClawson

Tobio,

You are a wise woman. A few month's back when my wife and I had a discussion about my suspicions that she was cheating she was literally floored. She related that "she was just not built like that and would never ever cheat". I let her know I felt the same way but given the right circumstances and being in the right place at the wrong time with the "wrong" person that anyone is vulnerable. She got a bit sheepish and agreed.

I do not think she had a PA but someone had designs on her and she was liking that and I think she was enjoying the attention. Hey it is a nice validation when you are approaching your 50's. No one is immune from succumbing to this temptation given the right circumstances.

Cosmos

If you're feeling uncomfortable with it, and your wife refuses to stop running with this guy, she is disrespecting your feelings and ignoring a potential threat to your relationship.

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When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

TRy

If the wife was not running with the other man, she would not need him to babysit those 5 hours a week. She is seeking to control the husband by requiring that he actually babysit so that she can spend time with the other man (OM). He cannot control her but he should not let her control him. Not watching the children to protect his marraige is not behaving badly but is actually the best course of action not just for himself but for his children. He needs to take take the power back from his wife by taking action with what he does have control over, his own deeds. It it insane to babysit so that she can effectively start dating another man and then passively do nothing but complain about it. He needs to take action now. Words to his wife will not work because she is in a fog.

piggyoink

Do you share passwords with him?

lamaga

Piggy: I can't speak for Bambusa, but no, my H and I do not share passwords. We respect each other as adults, and we respect each other's privacy. I know, I know, not a popular stance around here. But you asked.

heavensangel

Before she started running, did she even ask you if you'd be interested in running as a couple again? Why did you two stop to begin with?

Who, if anyone, was watching the children of the other group runners? Or is she the only one married w/children? If there's no babysitter for you to go and either join her/them or do an activity you'd enjoy at the same time, the there's no babysitter, period.

Basically, what your wife is doing is termed an 'independent' behavior. That in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with as long as there's 'enthusiastic agreement' between the two SP in relation to the activity. The fact that she refuses to respect your wishes or even offer compromise on this with you speaks volumes to me.

IMO.....There should NEVER be a time when a SP puts the interests of themselves or someone else over the marriage relationship.

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Courage: is not having the strength to go on……..It is going on when you don’t have the strength