Bambusa

iheartlife. I guess the key word for me in your last post is 'respectfully request'. There is a big difference between respectfully requesting and controlling/forcing/dictating or manipulating.

It sounds like the OP HAS respectfully requested and his wife has declined to agree.

So where to from there?

Entropy3000

So we fundamentally have different beliefs.

I do have this right in my marriage. My wife does as well. She actually had to use it once. I never have.

You should never compromise your fundamental beliefs. Ever.

Trust me as we experience more in life we learn. The more we learn the less we know.

My wife and I have a very equitable relationship. We are full partners. On very rare occasions I am the head of the household. But that is emergency time. You know what? My wife has never disrespected me. Ever. She is a very strong competent woman. We share everything. On a day to day basis my wife is at the helm for many things. We complement each other. But we are very capable of invoking our rights that we gave each other when we took our vows. Many people do this same thing. Maybe my wife and I do it better than others. Idunno. I do not wish to presume that however.

Your marriage is different than mine it seems. My wife and I gave ourselves to each other. We are full partners. Meaning we have veto power when it comes to these things. It IS a higher plane than most can attain. We do not let others come between us. I came close but since my wife had veto power she used it to save our marriage. I so love her for that.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away

iheartlife

I would ask for marriage counseling. I wouldn't wait around to find out why she had chosen to spend 45 to 60 hours a week (counting their workday) with another man.

One tricky thing is, however, that marriage counseling often doesn't work once one of the partners is infatuated with someone else. MC is hard work and it's unpleasant. It's about compromises. Infatuation is about lollipops and rainbows and unicorns.

So that is the risk that is run by hoping that MC can resolve the issue. MC can help you reach a compromise when you come to a very serious impasse. It is, however, not very likely to put an end to an infatuation. Again, it's a matter of the power of the emotion.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

Entropy3000

Then you don't know.

Sorry that you don't get what we are talking about here. For some of us we have a level of commitment that you may not have. Maybe you will in time.

There is much more to this stuff than a discussion of cheating. Sorry you are missing this.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away

Bambusa

Entropy, we do have very different fundamental beliefs, and I have respected your different views. However I don't feel that you are showing the same level of respect towards mine, when you make judgemental comments that imply something sinister just because I don't share the same view that you do.

You are putting two and two together and coming up with 50.

I don't agree with you on some points and from that you deduce that there must be something wrong with me or my marriage? Or that I haven't lived? Seriously?

You seem to jump very quickly from 'she doesn't agree with me, therefore she must fit XYZ unflattering category'. You make some pretty big leaps from my not agreeing with you on this point to a very big stretch in all other aspects.

I find some of your comments derogatory and disrespectful.

Instead of agreeing to disagree you have tried to imply that my thoughts are flawed and that there is something wrong with me or my marriage because of it.

Entropy3000

My comments are for the OP benefit. I am supporting his need for respect and you are saying he has no right.

So I am challenging this with you.

He needs our support. He knows what his wife doing is wrong and he is right. He has children.

Sorry I am not so PC for you. I just think you are completely way off base.

He has every right in the world to expect his wife to comply with his feelings.

So if you feel disrespected then just imagine what this husband feels ... from his wife. You and I have not taken vows but they have.

Perhaps what we should do is simply hide each others posts. It is an easy thing to do.

I sincerely wish you peace.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away

Catherine602

In my relationship I ask two simple questions - how is my husband effected by my activity. How important is the activity to me such that I would continue despite how my husband feels.

It never occurred to me to think that a request from my husband to do or not do something, rose to the level of a violation of my human rights or an attempt to enslave me.

I don't have the mental energy or desire to examine the social and legal implication of every request. Besides, don't you think that a strict adherence to doctrinal tenets seems too heavy a burden on a relationship?

What do you do, keep a book of rules and regulations? How are violations handled? Banishment to the basement for a day or two?

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Bambusa

Catherine, seriously? Where in ANY of my posts have you once read that I suggest a 'request' implies a violation of human rights? If you are going to quote me as above, then please do it in context.

It was the comment that was made suggesting forcing her to do something I have a difference of opinion on. There is a monster of a difference between a request or forcing someone.

I trust and respect my husband to make decisions about whether he is in the right type of environment or not for himself.

I have no interest in trying to 'force' him into anything, so I've never felt the need to put my husband in a basement.

TRy

You are playing a word game here. The force being implied is to let your marraige partner know that this is a deal breaker for you. Everyone has a right to do that in a marraige when their marriage is being threatened.

As for compromise, you should never compromise when you spot the beginning of a potential emotional affair (EA) or physical affair PA). Compromise by the betrayed, when they should have stood their ground, is an element found in almost every affair.

TRy

When you stated that forcing the wife to stop her inappropriate actions was wrong, you stated that she was not a "slave", and you do not think that your statement was a judgmental comment that "implied something sinister"? Do not play hard ball unless you are prepared for people to play hard ball back.

Bambusa

There is no word game, it was the general tone I took from a number of comments made by the same person.

You say you should never compromise. He has made his stance clear, she has made hers. What do you suggest he do?

RClawson

Oh I don't know Bambusa something that will knock her out of the "heavy fog" she is in? You seem to think he should just suck it up and take it like a man?

Bambusa

Oh dear. I can see this is getting nowhere.

My fingers certainly didn't type that and I most certainly didn't think he should 'suck it up and take it like a man'.

Amazing.

TRy

He cannot control her actions but he can control his own. He should stop enabling her to spend so much time with the other man (OM) by not staying home to babysit when she is going to see the OM.

Bambusa

I've never disagreed with him asserting his boundaries.

I've disagreed with using, not babysitting his kids as a way of doing that though.