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Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
To the OP.
This is an affair waiting to happen. There are 2 reasons for this: 1. You and your wife are lacking time spent together connectingas husband and wife and 2. She is spending time connecting and having recreational companionship (a core activity of marriage) with another male. You cannot sustain a marriage without an emotional connection with your wife. The sense of urgency for you is much higher since she has an opportunity to develop the emotional connection via togetherness with someone else. It is a grave mistake in any marriage to depend on someone's sense of values to avoid an affair, since human beings are wired to form pair bonds which are created through time spending vast amounts of together.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
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Originally Posted by Bambusa
I've never disagreed with him asserting his boundaries.
I've disagreed with using, not babysitting his kids as a way of doing that though.
Why on the babysitting/taking care of his kids? You note that you realize that not everything that is important to you will be something your husband is on board with (and presumably vice versae). In that case, is your spouse morally obligated to support that activity, even when they strongly disagree with it? To me, that is a way of creating a "consequence" for violating his boundary without throwing away the entire marriage.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bambusa
I've never disagreed with him asserting his boundaries.
I've disagreed with using, not babysitting his kids as a way of doing that though.
I gave an actionable thing that he could do to asset his boundaries. Not enabling her to see the other man (OM) by not staying home to babysit when she is going to see the OM. If you do not like my idea, what specific actionable action do you recommend that he do instead? Doing nothing is not an alternative not just for him but for his children.
Why do you have this play nice set of rules that the betrayed spouse must follow, when the cheater is not following any rules? If the marraige ends in divorce, the trauma that the betrayed and his children will endure will make the babysitting issue pale by comparison.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112
How does a man go about refusing to "babysit" (which by the way, I HATE that term when applied to the actual parent) his own children? To clarify, what is to stop HER from just proceeding to go?
The way it is described, it doesn't sound like he is coming home and relieving her of her parenting duty so she can go run. She is just going directly after work. I would also bet that when she runs on the weekend that it is being done early in the morning before everyone wakes.
So again, let’s say he tells her “I will not watch the kids while you run with him”, I bet she would return with “I am still going to run with him”, or something along those lines…he can’t force her to come home to watch the kids anymore than he can force her to stop running with this guy.
I agree that it needs to stop but I don't have much confidence in the "I refuse to babysit" approach.
Perhaps, though all he needs to do is find some of his own things to do after work, or on the weekend. If he is out of the house on the weekend before she is, then it is on her to figure out the child care issues.
This scenario reminds me a bit of the thread titled "WHat I have learned" or something like that. The wife was training for marathons and not doing much with the husband or the family. The response that worked for him included getting out and away on his own and doing stuff for himself. I will try and find that link now.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
IMO, anything short of telling her this is unacceptable is very much a half measure or less. He has stated they will go to counseling while she continues this behavior. He has also stated that if he finds out this has progressed to an EA he will tell her to stop.
Right now it is insult to injury that while she is out running with this guy her husband watches the children. More than a bit of a power game going on here. Suck it up and watch our children while I do what I feel like no matter what you think sorta thing. From a practical standpoint it really comes down to what he does while someone else watches the children. This feels like pouting to me.
Note that she did not offer any compromise like only running with him during the week but not on the weekends. She wants to be with this guy seven days a week. Whatever her intentions she is making sure she gets her fix for this guy. Again this does not have to be intentional to be harmful. But perhaps she is not so innocent. Who knows? The thing is she is going to keep doing it.
This is going to get painful and be drawn out it seems.
This is a major hurdle for them but there are bigger issues surrounding this. This is a symptom of other things. No doubt some resentment already existing mixed in with some eating of cake.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
I may have a hard time being objective in this thread.
It took a very long time for my husband to realize that any time *I* was watching the children, and he was occupying himself with something that wasn't directly in support of the family (working, grocery shopping, yard work, car repair) that this was, essentially turning me into HIS babysitter.
I'm not my children's babysitter, and this man isn't his children's babysitter, either.
No, the babysitter relationship is vis-a-vis each spouse.
It is unfair to take advantage of your partner--to assume that because they are a loving parent and law abiding citizen who will not abandon the children--that they will just magically keep on watching the children while you do whatever you want.
In the olden days, it was the father who stopped by the pub after work and then took his sweet time coming home to his family.
Of course people should be allowed to exercise, to be healthy, to work with their spouses to compromise TOGETHER over how to pursue a goal such as a marathon. But let's not be fooled by the fact that she is exercising and pursuing a life goal, that she's allowed to do it at her family's expense.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
I want to rant, but have thought better of it.
The bottom line is that the OP didn't like this situation, and asked his wife to put a stop to it. For some reason, she did not agree and dismissed his concerns. She may have had good reasons, or bad ones, but the fact remains that he brought her his concerns, and she did not take them on board. Regardless of the rest of it, that's a problem. I think he needs to take her aside and have a meaningful discussion about boundaries, and, possibly one about respect. Not in the "wife needs to obey at all times" sense or anything like that, but, rather, in the "If I have a valid concern and bring it to you, the least you can do is hear it out" sense.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
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Originally Posted by Catherine602
I don't understand why people think it is alright to pursue friendships with the opposite sex when it makes their spouse uncomfortable. How can they enjoy something so trivial when it hurts the person whose feelings they should protect.
I am in the process of leaving my H b/c he has not respected the boundaries we agreed upon (we are both WS) and saw my concern over a friendship as "overreacting". Instead of ending it he went to warn her about me and that I had my sights set on her b/c I was "crazy"
I see this as protecting the friendship over his marriage. That is a deal breaker b/c of our past troubles with infidelity. And he knows the boundaries....he knows what happens if they are broken.
Two months after my initial "overreaction" I find chats that were supposed to be deleted about them going to lunch and discussing marital problems together. Yeah, so nothing was going on, huh?
He is more upset about his reputation at work and losing the friend than me moving out and filing for divorce.......
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
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Originally Posted by vi_bride04
I am in the process of leaving my H b/c he has not respected the boundaries we agreed upon (we are both WS) and saw my concern over a friendship as "overreacting". Instead of ending it he went to warn her about me and that I had my sights set on her b/c I was "crazy"
I see this as protecting the friendship over his marriage. That is a deal breaker b/c of our past troubles with infidelity. And he knows the boundaries....he knows what happens if they are broken.
Two months after my initial "overreaction" I find chats that were supposed to be deleted about them going to lunch and discussing marital problems together. Yeah, so nothing was going on, huh?
He is more upset about his reputation at work and losing the friend than me moving out and filing for divorce.......
Sounds like you are better off, if you don't mind me saying so. Especially if there had issues in the past.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112
How does a man go about refusing to "babysit" (which by the way, I HATE that term when applied to the actual parent) his own children? To clarify, what is to stop HER from just proceeding to go?
The way it is described, it doesn't sound like he is coming home and relieving her of her parenting duty so she can go run. She is just going directly after work. I would also bet that when she runs on the weekend that it is being done early in the morning before everyone wakes.
So again, let’s say he tells her “I will not watch the kids while you run with him”, I bet she would return with “I am still going to run with him”, or something along those lines…he can’t force her to come home to watch the kids anymore than he can force her to stop running with this guy.
I agree that it needs to stop but I don't have much confidence in the "I refuse to babysit" approach.
He can be the one that does not come home from work or that gets up early so that she does not have babysitting. It does not have to work every time for it to be disruptive and get her and the other man's (OM) attention.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112
How does a man go about refusing to "babysit" (which by the way, I HATE that term when applied to the actual parent) his own children? I don't have much confidence in the "I refuse to babysit" approach.
My thoughts exactly!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
Perhaps, though all he needs to do is find some of his own things to do after work, or on the weekend. If he is out of the house on the weekend before she is, then it is on her to figure out the child care issues.
Isn't that a bit Passive Aggressive?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsure in Seattle
The bottom line is that the OP didn't like this situation, and asked his wife to put a stop to it. For some reason, she did not agree and dismissed his concerns. She may have had good reasons, or bad ones, but the fact remains that he brought her his concerns, and she did not take them on board. Regardless of the rest of it, that's a problem. I think he needs to take her aside and have a meaningful discussion about boundaries, and, possibly one about respect. Not in the "wife needs to obey at all times" sense or anything like that, but, rather, in the "If I have a valid concern and bring it to you, the least you can do is hear it out" sense.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bambusa
My thoughts exactly!
Isn't that a bit Passive Aggressive?
Spot on!
It isn't passive aggressive. he was supporting her activity until now. Now he won't go out of his way to. It would be passive aggressive if she did not know his problem about her activity. And how else can they fix this issue? She won't listen to his concerns.
Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy
Why do you have this play nice set of rules that the betrayed spouse must follow, when the cheater is not following any rules? If the marraige ends in divorce, the trauma that the betrayed and his children will endure will make the babysitting issue pale by comparison.
Because I personally don't believe two wrongs make a right and I don't believe it will do anything but breed resentment in both parties.
It's not babysitting when it's your own children. To me that implies that your responsibility for them ends when you feel like it. It doesn't work that way. The babysitting thing is a bit of a trigger for me, if my husband used that one it would not achieve the outcome he'd hoped for by a long shot.
If my husband came to me and TOLD me to stop or he would stop babysitting OUR kids, then I'd be on the defensive straight away.
If he comes to me and talks calmly and rationally about how he's feeling, I'm more inclined to listen and make a decision.
IF it was so critically important to me that I continue with it, then I might talk to him about what it would take for him to feel comfortable with it and work through some of that.
If I still refused to listen, he has the right to assert a boundary. I just don't know what a fair consequence would be for that, because I honestly can't place myself in that position. Just the babysitting thing for me personally would be a sure fire way of escalating it and I think a lot of other women would feel the same way.
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Re: At an impasse over spouse spending time with opposite sex colleague. 
