Reggiethelion

Hello, I would like other's thoughts. I have been married for a decade, kids, both of us in early-mid thirties. Recently, my wife began running again to get in shape, which I thought was great. Problem for me is she has chosen a single male colleague-with whom she already spends 8 hours a day-as her running partner. He is in his mid twenties. They run together 5 times a week-3 days after work and on the weekends. I don't suspect infidelity at this point, rather I think he is genuinely just a convenient running partner and my wife wants to get in shape. But it still bothers me quite a bit. So I told my wife that I thought it was inappropriate for her to be running alone 5 times a week with a single male. She disagrees. We have had two significant arguments, one very serious with her storming out in tears at 11pm and coming back an hour later over the issue. I am more upset that she won't just stop because I want her to than because of the actual issue at this point, because I feel if the tables were turned I would do so for her. She says she has committed to training with this person for a race and if she backed out now it would look terrible at work. I have said some hurtful things out of anger over the issue, which I later told her I didn't really mean. Our relationship is seriously affected, we are avoiding open hostility but we have been basically communicating on a superficial level for several weeks. I really don't know what to do. She won't stop, and I won't become ok with what she is doing. Any ideas?

eowyn

Few Questions:

Are there any other red flags?
Is this man committed/married?
How long do they know each other?
Have you met him?
Is he involved in any other social activity with your wife other than running?
Are they training for a marathon? Is there a timeline?
Have you considered joining them for some sessions, on weekends etc?
Has your wife cheated on you with EA/PA in the past?
Have you cheated on your wife?

Reggiethelion

Are there any other red flags?

We have other minor issues, but I don't think there are other red flags

Is this man committed/married?

Other guy is single since last fall

How long do they know each other?

About a year

Have you met him?

Yes

Is he involved in any other social activity with your wife other than running?

Not outside of work functions

Are they training for a marathon? Is there a timeline?

Yes, 4 months or so

Have you considered joining them for some sessions, on weekends etc?

It wouldn't really work because I am not at their level, and no one to watch the kids

Has your wife cheated on you with EA/PA in the past?
Have you cheated on your wife?

No cheating by either of us in the past on each other, but 13 years ago, my wife left her then boyfriend of 3 years for me, and we started off as friends doing athletic pursuits....
I don't think it is an emotional affair, even less likely that it is a physical affair, but I worry it may move in that direction, especially because of the tension it is causing our relationship. I think I feel very hurt because I feel if the tables were turned-if I was doing this with a 25 year old single colleage, I would feel it was very inappropriate, and if she asked me I would stop immediately. I told her this and she disagrees. I understand her point of view, and I understand why she feels she can't stop now, but we are really just at an impasse. I am trying to not make it an issue, but I feel like our relationship has just gone cold over it.

Entropy3000

Well, I understand her dedicating herself to running.
I like to powerlift. I typically train four days a week. I do this solo however. If I had a training partner there is no way that partner would be a woman, let alone a single woman. Yeah I know I am talking about powerlifting but my point is that no matter what the activity was, whether it be biking, running or bird watching, me spending that kind of time with another woman is just going to bond me closely with her. My wife would not stand for that and it would be a non starter for me if she had any activity like that with a male co-worker.

Workplace affairs happen when a pair bond at work and the bond us especially close if they are working to achieve a common goal. This happened to me. Now these two have an extracuricular activity together. Are they a pair all of the time or do they run with others as a group?

How much time do you have to bond with your wife alone? Who is with the kids when she is training?

This seems inappropriate. It seems like she is setting herself up for a relationship that is potentially going to cause your marriage problems.
I think this would be awesome for both of them if they were both single.
Is he divorced.

A big red flag is her not wanting to respect your wishes. Strictly speaking that is a level of unfaithfulness right there. I get that she wants to see this through. I get that it is important ot her. The fact this is a point of contention between you two now pushes more towards the OM.

There actually may be a bond between them now. This will get much much closer as time goes on.

I realize there will be a race, but I would assume there will be other races after that. Maybe even some travel to races and so on. This is somewhat of a separate life style for her. I doubt this will be a one and done for her. Have you asked her?

The male co-worker aside how much pressure does her running put on the marriage if any on its own? Is her running five days a week in an of itself an issue for you?

FWIW, I think storming out and leaving is a bit too much drama.

Do you think she discusses you marriage with him at all. Do they email each other of text one another?

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Reggiethelion

We have minimal time alone. We have multiple kids, both work, in a city with no family. I have the kids when she is training. I have no problem with her running, I support it. I just think she should have a female running partner. Her not being willing respect my wishes is my big problem with this whole thing. I really don't see a solution to this, because neither of us will back down.
Storming out is too much drama, but that is just her, its who she is.

Hopefull363

How long until the race that she's committed too? Would she be willing to drop him as her running partner after the race?

Reggiethelion

A little over 3 months at this point. I really don't know if she will drop him as a running partner after the race. I will ask in the morning.

Entropy3000

Then you know what you must do. If this is your boundary you need to tell her that her spending this kind of time with this guy is not acceptable to you.

I honestly think you are being nice enough of a guy willing to do your share of the work and then watch the kids while she runs. That is being supportive. It feels a tad funny though that your watching the kids so she can do this activity with this guy. Tell her you will support her running but she needs to find a female partner to train with.

Do not argue about this. It is not that you want to convince her over time to change her mind. This is your boundary and you will not support her doing this running with this guy. The problem is not that she is having an EA with him. It is that she is bonding with him and spending too many hours with him and not you. Yes this could become an EA/PA.

Again this is not a short term thing. This is likely from now on.

I suspect you will get a lot of folks that say you should just trust her. I don't think this is about trust. I think this is about choice. I see this as a very dangerous choice.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Reggiethelion

Do you think she discusses you marriage with him at all. Do they email each other of text one another?
I don't know, I doubt it, but it is one on one for them for about 5 hours a week, so they might. The email and call one another, but she isn't trying to hide it, and all the emails and calls appear to be work related and appropriate.

Entropy3000

Why would she? I suspect by then you will be less of a priority for her. But who knows. She basically told you no she is not concerned about your feelings here. Bonds occur much faster than three months especially when you see someone seven days a week for a lot of hours.

Have you guys done any boundary setting as it pertains to the opposite sex? His Needs Her Needs?

I see the biggest problem is that you went along with this from the beginning. The time to have said no to this was before it started.

It sounds to me like you feel you have no veto power here. Is that how you see it? My wife and I have veto power.

So this is not unlike her having a male personal trainer. The nuance here is that he is already a co-worker / friend she spends eight hours a day with.
Wow seven days a week for many months on end. Just wow.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Reggiethelion

I agree completely, I see it as about her respecting my boundaries and what I see as an inappropriate choice, she sees it as me not trusting her. That is why we are stuck.

Reggiethelion

I didn't go along with it from the beginning, it was supposed to be a running group but all the other people dropped out/couldn't keep up. I have no veto power, I tried very directly, and she has decided this is what she is doing. I am not at the point where I am going to leave over this, but I don't feel like I have veto power at this point, no.

Bambusa

Do you trust her?

If so then it might be worth looking into yourself to solve the problem. If you don't, then you might need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone you don't trust.

It is possible for people of the opposite sex to have plutonic friendships.

I have male friends and my husband has female friends. I would never cheat on my husband because that is part of my core set of values and I believe the same of him.

Our friendships are as a result of years of working together, friends of friends etc. Not because there is an sexual attraction.

So it is my belief that if you feel you can trust someone 100% or they have not given you reason not to trust them and they have not behaved disrespectfully in that plutonic relationship and you still feel threatened by it, then it could be an issue with your own self esteem or something else that needs addressing within yourself.

If what you are doing is your fair share of the work and childcare it would be unfair to use this as a form of consequence to assert your boundary. Again, I think that's a form of control and manipulation. I think you should actually be commended for the support you have given in that regard.

If it's a serious issue for you and she doesn't feel the same way, then you might have to work out if it's a deal breaker for you.

Entropy3000

Too bad she is not so focused on spending time with you as a couple.

She is not trusting you either. She is not trusting you soe the inappropriateness of this.

Marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by product. I trust my wife not to put herself into situations like this with other men. Sooo I would tell her that she is breaking trust by doing this and especially since your object. Moreover she is disrespecting you.

Again this is not about arguing your points. Tell her this is not acceptable. I do not think you have done this. Until you are willing to be firm she will play this power game with you. Understand that if there is not an EA now that she runs this risk. Once that begins the brain chemicals take over so time is not on your side.

Is it possible she will do this race and not be in an EA with this guy by then? I suppose. But there will be further damage to relationship and the precedent has been set that basically you are not a full partner in these decisions. She decides based on what feels ok to her and not what you feel. This seems quite selfish to me.

I think you are a Nice Guy with all that this implies.

See the Men's clubhouse stickies on this if you are infamiliar.

BTW when do you get your time to do this kind of stuff? Problem is if you do then your wife and you will have even less time together.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

RClawson

Reggie I will say this much. If they are spending 5 hours a week together and not talking about your marriage they will be very shortly.

They are bonding. Back in my corporate life I had female friends that were married. We could go to lunch on occasion and talk shop without ever crossing a line. I have maintained about a dozen relationships like that over the years. We chat about 2 times a year at the most.

There were other women (single) at work that I was attracted to and I knew there was chemistry. I was never alone with any of them EVER! If I was with them 5 hours a week running etc. I would say those relationships likely would have escalated. That is why the line is there.

your wife my friend is running in the fog.