06-16-2012, 07:17 AM
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
| | Half a year later & I feel truly discouraged again.
Its been a rough couple weeks. I haven't been feeling well (in addition to my normal not feeling physically well) and I found out why: Gall bladder was severely infected, and was making my body septic. I survived the surgeries, survived getting very shocky several times, and am out of the hospital a few days where I can be back on my regular pain meds, regular immune system modulators, and not high dose steroids. I have neurosarcoidosis in addition, so the sick part is nothing new -- but I am unused to being able to drive, lift things, or do the basics unless I'm paralyzed from it.
Apparently I said something to her unkind when I was in & out. I'm sure some part of it I did mean, but given that I was in loopy land from high dose steroids to keep me from shocking out on the way to the operating room ... I'm kind of miffed that she is still holding a grudge on this. I have no recollection of any of it, the last thing I remember was talking to the anesthesiologist who kept asking me over & over again "are you okay?"
I'm pretty much used to having to fight through things on my own, but this week I truly am dependent upon her for many things. I can't even bend down to pick up a pot to cook with. Next week I have to resume going to classes, and teaching classes (well or not). I've made arrangements to get the materials where I need them without any burden on her. I've pretty much spent the entire time since coming home from the hospital on my own, completely on my own, and none of it is sitting well with me today.
As sick as I still am today, she dumps several things on me to do to make her life easier as she proceeds to setup another day where I'm basically on my own -- under the logic of, if it doesn't get done today it probably wont get done once the semester starts & I am busy teaching, and finishing up medical school. If not for Schnucks delivery, I wouldn't have eaten this week -- its that bad. All I want to do is rest, and spend a couple hours of energy if I have them to prepare so I'm not looking like a schmuck with no lesson plan in front of 30 kids that paid 1500 per head for my class.
Its making the leery bone in my body scream at me that not only can I not count on her; the issues I've had with her being incredibly selfish in the past are coming to a head. It is all making me feel incredibly sad that I might be better off to spend some time at my dad's place than here with my wife. I'm wondering what I spent the last 16 months working my tail off to try to save? It also has the leery bone going for ...I know what it is to not be well, and do I really want to ever be dependent upon her for anything ...ever...period. That second thought is making me have doubts if I'm married to the right person.
Maybe its a bad week, and a moment of extreme doubt ... What happened to the woman who was kind only a few years ago or at least gave the appearance of it? Did I really choose this poorly, and waste my time on this?