General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi eveyone, this is my 1st post and I hope it doesnt come off as too petty or dumb.
Ive been married for 9 years now we have no kids, she has 2 fullgrown from another marriage. I guess the marriage has had its ups and downs, but nothing catastrophic, and no cheating, as far as I know of. I love my wife, and Ive always tried to be considerate and useful around the house, and in the bedroom but I have always been bothered by the fact that she doesnt seem to feel the need to reciprocate, or even appreciate my kind gestures much, and she doesnt ever initiate sex, or seem to care much about it, unless we are actually in the middle of it. Its at the point now, where it has really started to bother me and out of frustration, I decided a couple of week ago to just completely ignore and not talk to her. Ive done this before, and even moved out for a couple days once, and then she finally starts acting like a wife, and becomes more considerate and loving. However it has been about 10 days since we talked at all. Shes currently on a trip to fla. w/ her mom and we didnt say goodbye, and she hasn't called once. Im sure most will think Im being immature and petty, but Im really starting to worry about the state of this marriage. I love this woman but I wonder if she loves me much anymore. Part of me thinks Im wasting my time and my love on her. I think about divorce, moving out of our house and starting my life over, while Im still relatively young, but I really cant afford to pay a mortgage and rent, and to be honest I think I still love her, too much to leave for good, w/out really being miserable for a while which I already am anyway. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Could she just have a different "love language" than you - check out the book 5 Love Languages. Counciling also might be a good idea. Someone else to ask the questions and get her talking and see what kind of hidden issues might be there.
As for initiating sex - i have a hard time with that - for some reason it embarasses me (partly my upbringing I think - sex wasn't really openly discussed ) - so that might be part of it there.
Thanks for the replys! Ive thought about calling her but I dont want to start a fight, and ruin her and her moms trip, they live far apart and dont see each other much . Besides in my mind, I didnt do anything wrong, so my pride wont let me pick up the phone.
As far as the ,initiating sex thing ,I kinda see your point, but she doesnt seem to have any interest in turning me on at all. I told her I hate really short hair on a woman and she goes and gets it cut very short every month, says its "functional" Ive also told her, I hate these ugly old, big sweatpants she always wears , even bought her a bunch of nice new sexy ones, but she wears those at the gym, and still wears the old ones around the house w/ me
I mean what am I suppose to assume by all that, except that she cares nothing about what I think? Pi$$'s me off too, cause I keep myself in good shape, and Im even younger than her. Im not a stud, but Ive had my chances to stray at times and Ive always been true, Im not the cheating kind, but sometimes I think thats what she deserves.
No she doesn't deserve that - if you're serious about that then just get a divorce. About the hair - it is her hair and she has to deal with it everyday - i'm sorry on that one I don't think you really get a say. As for the sweatsuits - she should wear them around the house - however if by sexy you mean tight - which may not be as comfortable as her baggy ones and she may just want to be comfortable when she gets home.
I would call her and just say you missed her and wanted to see how her trip was going. That's it. Don't bring up anything confrontational.
Your right TN. I guess the way I wrote that, did kinda come off as shallow. Of course its her hair, and Id love her just the same, if it all fell out, but it just bugs me that she doesnt seem to care if Im into her or not. If she would just show a little affection sometimes, I wouldnt think twice about such petty things.
As far as cheating, like I said, that just isnt me. I wouldnt cheat cause I still take my vows seriously, but I will admit, it would be nice to be appreciated and wanted by someone again. I think wives and husbands that neglect their spouse, share some of the blame for infidelity in some marriages.
Thanks again for the advice a putting me in my place (but Im still not calling that woman!)
I am in a similar situation with my husband i am desperate for his affection but it seems as though because we have been together 13 years that emotions have run out on his part. we too at time go through an entire day without saying a word, he spends more time on the couch than in the bed. i'm starting to feel like he hates me. i cook i clean i take care of the kids he works and we have become walking talking robots. if he told me what he wants or needs i would gladly give it to him. i'm worried because i think if another man gave me some attention right now i think i would respond. i tell my husband all the time i need him to talk to me and lay next to me but it falls on deaf ears. is my marriage over? what about the kids!
I am in a similar situation with my husband i am desperate for his affection but it seems as though because we have been together 13 years that emotions have run out on his part. we too at time go through an entire day without saying a word, he spends more time on the couch than in the bed. i'm starting to feel like he hates me. i cook i clean i take care of the kids he works and we have become walking talking robots. if he told me what he wants or needs i would gladly give it to him. i'm worried because i think if another man gave me some attention right now i think i would respond. i tell my husband all the time i need him to talk to me and lay next to me but it falls on deaf ears. is my marriage over? what about the kids!
Thats a shame. I feel for you, and I can defiantly relate! Its very frustrating to give your love and attention, which is the most sincere gift you can give, and the receiver doesnt appreciate it. Major slap in the face I dont know about you ,but this is why I just feel like leaving and cutting my losses sometimes, and if we didnt own a house(in this market no less) and pets together I would probably have left already. I mean why do some people get married in the 1st place, if theyre gonna just give up a few years down the road? What a waste of time! I dont know your financial situation ashanti and I cant even imagine how hard it is, when kids are a factor either , but I will say I wouldnt blame you if did respond to someones attention and your husband could only blame himself. Good luck.
Sounds to me like you think your partner should be grateful that you are in her life. Younger than her , turning down others advances, no baggage from the past. She should count her blessing hey!!!
You say you’re concerned that you sound petty yet you remark "Besides in my mind, I didn’t do anything wrong, so my pride wont let me pick up the phone
." Ummm who cares who is right or wrong- pick up the dammed phone or if you really can't lower yourself to do this then send a message to the front desk for her. Maybe even splash out and say something nice like you miss her.
Gees do you love her or only love the thought of her being , thinking, acting and looking the way you want her too.
I think your being stubborn saying your not calling that woman - if you want to work on it you're going to have to reach out. You can't expect action if you are planning on waiting around for her - because it seems that she doesn't think there is a problem.
In regards to the cheating thing - you need to tell your spouses that their lack of attention is leading you to think those things - they need to understand how big a deal this is.
I appreciate your responses and your views ladies, but with all due respect, why does the man always have to take the first step in working things out? Ive been doing just that since the beginning, why cant she pick up a phone and call me for a change? She's obviously is having too good a time, to worry about whats going on at home, or she would have called already, so why should I be any different?
As far as thinking Im doing my wife a favor by being married to her, Im sorry if thats the way Im coming off ,but whats wrong w/ wanting to be valued by your spouse? Ive gone out of my way to treat her right, all Im asking for is the same in return.
Mabye when she gets back ,well work it out, but I dont think Ill be discussing any thoughts of infidelity w/ her, dont think thatll be too constructive w/ all due respect. Thanks again for the advice though.
Well, interesting...I am completely new here...have been lurking around awhile, reading and learning, but had to finally sign up to respond to your post - I thought for a minute I was reading about me!! I, however, have been separated for a little over 6 months because of a couple addictions that entirely messed up our lives and our marriage - meth and porn (at least that's "all" that I know of, as if that isn't enough) - we tried counseling but he said we could "fix" it ourselves and I was supposed to be moving back in this past couple of weeks, which he asked me to do, but then nothing - I haven't heard from him since last Friday. He is "clean" from meth, as far as I can tell and I have studied it 'til I'm blue and I know how he is after being on and off it for the past 3 years. I am at wits end as to what to do...I am the first to call him, go see him, tell him I love & miss him and then this...nothing. I can't stand it anymore and I haven't a clue why I continue with the agony. He is younger too and we have no children together but he has a 17 year old and I have a 21 & 17 year old - all girls...because of his drug use, his daughter, who only lived with us for 5 months, went back to her mother & he blames it on her grades...ha! Anyway, too long of a story to but in one post but boy do I feel your pain!!! I don't know him anymore and cannot understand why someone who says they love you can't bother to talk to you...and naturally, I jump to conclusions - which I'm beginning to believe are valid. Sorry you're hurting too ---
I would of said the same thing to a woman posting - its not about being male or female - if you want to work on your marriage work on it - if you don't then do what your doing. You asked for advice and we are giving you what we think will work.
As I said, you have an issue with how she is in your marriage, based on what you told us it doesn't seem like she knows there is an issue or doesn't care - so obviously she isn't going to take the first step....that just leaves you.
Wow TTT I feel kinda guilty saying this, but after reading your story, I sorta feel better about my own situation but Im glad you posted ,and just let me say ,my heart goes out to you. I know its hard to let go of love when youve invested so much in someone ,but I must say I think you deserve better. Ive been involved w/ addicts before I met my wife, and it was scary stuff , it is almost impossible to maintain any level of trust. This porn thing is a bigger problem than I realized too. Im sure in time, you will find inner peace and happiness without this man, and someday a new healthier relationship. Good luck to you.
New here, wife and I arent talking. 
) - so that might be part of it there.
Ive also told her, I hate these ugly old, big sweatpants she always wears , even bought her a bunch of nice new sexy ones, but she wears those at the gym, and still wears the old ones around the house w/ me 
(but Im still not calling that woman!)
but Im glad you posted ,and just let me say ,my heart goes out to you. I know its hard to let go of love when youve invested so much in someone ,but I must say I think you deserve better. Ive been involved w/ addicts before I met my wife, and it was scary stuff , it is almost impossible to maintain any level of trust. This porn thing is a bigger problem than I realized too. Im sure in time, you will find inner peace and happiness without this man, and someday a new healthier relationship. Good luck to you.
