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Unsure what is best for my family

1K views 7 replies 3 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
Hi folks, I first and foremost want to thank everyone who are about to read this, I am sorry it is so wordy.

A little background:

My wife and I met while I was in college, I realized I was going nowhere fast so I signed up to do "great things for my country". We married before I left for basic.

I am about to resign from the US Army after 4 years. My job was EOD (Bomb Squad). She wasn't comfortable with my career choice but excepted it because she understood I have a real skill, and it keeps me from being bored. However between deployments, training, travel, etc. I may have only been with her a little over 1 year of the whole thing. We have a 2 yr old together that I love dearly. So when she told me she didn't want me to re-enlist, I had no heartburn over it. I miss my kid and my spouse deserves to have me in her life.

Heres the underlying issue that creates my dilemma. My spouse is not extroverted at all. So while I was away she didn't meet any of the neighbors, or if she did it was because I introduced her. She just did not make friends. To make things worse, she legitimately made one on her own after 2 years. Unfortunately that person moved way suddenly 6 months later. Then I was sent to Afghanistan. I don't at all blame her for this, but she moved down and stayed with her mom for the year I was away and became best buds. This kind of goes into that emotional childhood she had, but becoming friends with her mom was like a big thing because they were estranged from each other for a long time. After I got back we "had" to visit her mom for Xmas, her mom has been here 3 times in the last 4 months. Mind you I don't mind any of this. I love seeing my wife happy.

But now that I am looking for employment, my spouse is damn near pleading that we move to Florida to be near her mom. I wouldn't mind that, but all of the job opportunities I have are nowhere near florida. I haven't promised anything because I hate providing false hope. And I really am bending over backwards to find something I am qualified to do. But at what point will my placating her stop being beneficial for the family? She says she understands if we can't mover near her mom. And she assures me that she is appreciative of all that I have done so far. But I feel that somehow if I were to take a position somewhere else where our family would be financially taken care of, and that i enjoyed, my marriage would go south very slowly and bitterly. We have only very recently started working things out from issues we have had before. Mainly her abandonment/ daddy issues, and my PTSD/mood swings and not understanding why she cried. But thats all becoming better.

I truly don't know what to do...

It seems like if I take the opportunities available I will be happy because i don't hate what I do and I will keep taking care of my family but my spouse wont be happy.

or

I Move to Florida and get stuck doing something I hate that more than likely will not pay well (which will stress me out because I might not be providing for my family the way I once was) but my spouse will be happy finally after many years.
 
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#2 ·
Would her mom relocate nearer to you? You could try to find a position in Florida that meets your career aspirations, who knows you might just find something more suited than you can find locally. You know its funny sometimes the way things work out. Sometimes taking lower paid jobs you can pick up skills and opportunities that more than compensate for the drop in pay.
 
#3 ·
Here's my thoughts...

Apply for jobs that you want. If there are any near her mother, apply there as well. I'm not sure what kind of job you are looking for but there are probably such jobs in FL. Maybe not near her mother, but in FL. Just open up opportunities.

Then take the job that fits what you are looking for.

If it's near her mom, great.

If it's not near her mom... tell her that her mom can come visit. That she can go visit her mom as well.

When you get to your next place, be the catalyst to start a social life for your family. Your wife can make friends and settle in.
Does your wife have a degree? Can she get a job in her field? If she does not get a degree, can she go to school? She needs to start getting out into the world and interacting with adults.

I believe that one of the main ‘jobs’ in a relationship is to help and encourage your spouse to be the best they can be. Do this for your wife. It sounds like she needs someone to encourage her to get out in the world and stretch her wings.
 
#4 ·
Bradt I appreciate your response. I have broached the subject of her mom moving, but that was immediately shot down mainly because of her mother's career. But I have thought of trading down so to say. I am just so fearful of ending up like a majority of Americans. I have gotten so comfortable where I am, that a change too drastic could be hell financially... we still are working our way out of debt like every one else.
 
#5 ·
Thank you EleGirl.

I will defiantly have to keep looking in FL. And I suppose any kind of social life would benefit her more than not. I have been having a problem with the school thing though. I have been "encouraging" her to get back into a scholastic program 5 years now. She attempted it once in a classroom environment, and once online. she didn't get more than 1 class into either before she resigned. She feels she has been out too long and That shes "too stupid" or "slow" to keep going. And this is with me helping her with homework and trying to encourage her... I just don't know what to do
 
#6 ·
If she is not academically inclined, would she consider something that would just be a good job skill…. Things like being a paralegal, hair dresser, dog groomer… just something.. Anything to get her out there.

If she things that she is "too stupid" or "slow" she either is or she has a self worth issue. Perhaps she would benefit from some individual counseling? This is not a good way to look at herself.

Is she a SAHM? That's the impression I get.
 
#7 ·
Bingo. she is a Sahm. We have talked about daycare for the young one 1-3 times a week just so my spouse can go out. Bent over backwards to get another reliable vehicle into our budget and it just seems like nothing is happening. But she has expressed interest in baking and is quite adept at it. I would gladly help her start a little bake shop when we settled down again but Im fearful that like school and everything else it would be a fleeting desire. I will back her up no matter but starting a business on any level is a huge financial risk. I'm super open to all ideas and opportunities. I just dont want to seem like I am unwilling to put real effort into this situation.
 
#8 ·
I agree that starting a business is a huge risk ... financial, emotional, and so forth. And just because she likes to bake does not mean she's ready for the business end of it.

Since she likes baking, perhaps she you could get her to take classes for that. I know that the local community college has courses for cooking and baking. She could learn all sorts of wonderful things like wedding cake decorating, specialty baking, etc.

In many cities there are also speciality shops that provide classes in things like wedding cake decorating. Even something like that would get her out and around people.

My mom self-taught herseld cake decorating. She used to run a small business out of her home baking and decorating wedding cakes. The hardest part of it was transporting the cakes and re-assembling them on-site.

Just some ideas that came to mind.
 
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