Abnoxiously Drunk Husband -- Another long one...

seesah · 06-17-2012, 01:06 AM

Well here we go again. This time it's an issue I only come across on the weekends. My husband plays semi-professional football and he likes to go out drinking after the game. I usually go along because it's fun at first. I used to drink with them but now that we're trying to conceive, I've stopped drinking because I don't want to cause harm to a possible unborn child. So, I'm the DD.

The problem is that my husband doesn't know when to stop drinking. Tonight they had a game at 1pm. At about 3:30 is when he started drinking and he didn't stop until about 12:45am when I told him I wanted to go home. He's a funny guy, very friendly, and loves to be the center of attention. I like to just sit on the sidelines and people watch. I'm introverted and don't really care for a lot of attention. I think that we complement each other nicely in that way. When he drinks, it gets out of control. He will grope me, try and pull my top down, try and convince me to show his friends my boobs (I know he's not serious about this one), he tries to make out with me and he'll manhandle me. It's not abusive in any way but he doesn't know when to stop and he doesn't think before he does things so I often get (minor) injuries.

A big problem tonight was that he kept asking me if we could stop on the side of the road to have sex. When I denied him that, he asked if we could have sex at home. I'm not attracted to him when he's drinking. If he's had a couple, that's fine, but when I start to notice a slur and him tripping over his own feet, that's when I start seeing him as a child more than my husband. I dated an alcoholic/drug abuser for 3.5 years and I know that it has something to do with my feelings about his drinking.

I have an idea to avoid all this stress and frustration and I want to see if anyone else has any ideas. My idea is to stop going out with him and stop providing him a DD. I realize being his DD is enabling his behavior and it's causing me more stress than I know what to do with. I will tell him that he has to be responsible enough to drive himself, find someone responsible who will drive him, or call himself a cab, that he cannot call me at 2:00 in the morning when the bar is closing and expect me to get myself out of bed to come and get his drunk a$$ (I've done this before to him so he knows I will do it again).

My next quandry is what to do when he gets home from the bar. Even if he knows that I'm sleeping, he'll stomp up the stairs, turn on the light, turn on the TV, talk to me, try and wake me up for sex, etc. I know from experience and it is extremely irritating. Do I stay the night at my parents when I know he's going out? Since I won't be going out, I could make sure that his daughter stays home with me (on the weekends we have her) while he's out (usually she stays with either pair of grandparents) but I don't know if he would control his drinking even if he knew his daughter was at home sleeping.

Right now I'm in his daughter's room preparing for sleep but I can't. I'm so frustrated with him. I know I can't change him, that I can only change myself. This isn't a frequent thing, it usually only happens on the weekends and over the summer when he has semi-pro football, it happens a lot more frequently. We can't afford for him to drink as much as he does. He has a very high tolerance and drank about $40 worth of beer tonight (EDIT: and this was just at the bar... before that (right after the game), he drank several bottles). He also throws his money around when he's drinking even though he knows we can't afford it right now. I reminded him of this before the evening began and he was a little better about not buying everyone's drinks but he still gave a guy $20 because he beat the high score on the punching game at the bar.

Does anyone have any ideas?

EleGirl · 06-17-2012, 01:31 AM

If you enjoy going out with him then you should go.

But work things out ahead of time. Do not let him take a credit card with him. Give him just enough cash for a few drinks. He'll have to nurse them longer to make it through the night.

Talk to him about drinking a glass of water between each beer. IT really slows down getting drunk. And reduces the amount one drinks by a lot. And water is free.

How much have you discussed his drinking and his behavior with him? Have you told him what a turn off he is when he's drunk? Tell him if he sticks to the allowed drinking allowance and drinks the water between he has a lot more chance of getting lucky when he gets home.

dream_weaver · 06-17-2012, 02:56 AM

My ex did that & 20yrs later it was still the same-he didn't know how to just have a few drinks...Sorry not much help,never could get him to stop his antics.

New partner can just have a few social drinks & only really gets drunk when we are together..love having drunken sex but when we are BOTH drunk

seesah · 06-17-2012, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

How much have you discussed his drinking and his behavior with him? Have you told him what a turn off he is when he's drunk? Tell him if he sticks to the allowed drinking allowance and drinks the water between he has a lot more chance of getting lucky when he gets home.

We've discussed his behavior several times. It's been an issue since even before we were married. I told him today that I wasn't attracted to him when he was drinking. He didn't remember begging me for sex.

I think I've decided that I'll go out every once in a while but I'm not going to go out with him every weekend. I think your idea of keeping him accountable of his drinking could work in some relationships but it absolutely doesn't work in ours. He makes the money so he feels entitled to keep track of how much money he has during the night. Usually he's pretty good about it but he's so used to having money so he spends it even when we're struggling. I think going out with him and keeping track of how much he's drinking and reminding him of our budget and to drink water is caretaking and enabling behavior. I refuse to do that. By not going out with him in the first place, he will have to be responsible or deal with the repercussions if he's not.

EleGirl · 06-17-2012, 01:29 PM

There is a very good possibility that your husband is an alcoholic. What he is doing in binge drinking on weekends.

seesah · 06-17-2012, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

There is a very good possibility that your husband is an alcoholic. What he is doing in binge drinking on weekends.

I'm aware of this possibility. I've mentioned it to him before and he denies it. The issue is that he won't see it unless he hits his bottom. The only way he'll hit bottom is for him to get a DUI or kill/injure someone if he chooses to drink and drive. I know I'm not going to enable it anymore.

Prodigal · 06-17-2012, 01:48 PM

Alcoholics do not approach drinking, or metabolize it, the same way "normies" do. You have an alcoholic on your hands. They come in a infinite variety of flavors. He cannot control his drinking once he picks up.

Me? I get nauseous or just don't like how I feel after a couple beers.

An alcoholic? They will drink until they pass out or black out or act out. None of it is pleasant for those in the path of the intoxicated one.

You are not going to change him. He seems to be the high-functioning variety of alkie; however, I take exception to that label, because anyone who drinks to the point of blacking out isn't functioning at all, are they?

The thing is, your husband doesn't think he has a problem. Until he does, all you can do is take care of business on your side of the street. Give Al-Anon a try. No obligation to join, only suggested you try six meetings to see if any are a good fit for you.

You owe it to yourself to learn how to detach and let him face the consequences that may occur as a result of his drinking. Any chance you can go out of town or spend the night with friends on occasion when hubs goes on one of his weekend sprees?

Shaggy · 06-17-2012, 03:01 PM

You might want to look up how drinking could be affecting his sperm production and quality. If you are trying to conceive he might do better at knocking up by knocking off the drinking and switching to something non alcholic.
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endlessgrief · 06-17-2012, 07:34 PM

You are living my life, only you are in the early stages. I have always dreamed that I could go back and do things differently. So I am going to tell you how my life turned out. That doesn't mean that your life will turn out like mine, I am just sharing information, not giving advice.

However, I do have one suggestion. If you can or if you want, try to hold off on having children at this time. If his behavior doesn't change or gets worse (and it will), it will be harder to deal with and get away if you have a child. Also, you wouldn't want to raise a child alone with a drunk husband. That kind of stuff screws kids up as I am sure you know. I did not have children for this reason. Oh, and I do not like children, but that's another thread

I went through exactly what you are going through. He barely ever left a party, get together, anything sober. As time went by, his drinking increased, his behavior became horrible, I stopped having any drinks and became the DD. Going out with him became less fun and more like babysitting a rotten child who didn't listen.

At our wedding, we didn't even spend time together at the reception except for the bride/groom dance. He stayed at the bar with his buddies doing shots and I kept throwing him dirty looks. When the evening was over, he tried to invite his friends back to our apartment to continue to party. I was abhored and stood there in a bridal gown yelling at a bunch of drunks that no way in hell were they going to be involved in my wedding night. No sex on wedding night.

Years and years pass, I get tired of being DD, and stop going out with him. He gets 3 DUI's and has had to have that thing that you blow into installed on his truck twice so he could drive to work. I would wait up worried every night, sick to my stomach. He would finally come home and take 15 minutes to get the key in the lock. I stopped helping him. He would occassionally become verbally abusive and punch holes in walls. He was always sorry and sad the next day. He would cry, I would forgive. Promises were made. Promises were broken. I became an angry depressed woman. I stayed in hotel rooms. I called the police. I yelled and screamed. I begged.

He was forced to go to counseling and AA by the state. He hated it and went only because he had to so he got nothing out of it. More years passed, same old same old. I got more resentful. Sex life stopped, I got counseling and got on anti-depressants. I got strong and had an EA with a man I worked with. H found out, his drinking increased, marriage almost ended.

June 20 will be our 20 year wedding anniversary. His drinking is worse than ever and I have stopped enabling. We sleep in separate rooms and live as just friends. He drinks a 5th of rum every single night.

Why don't I leave? Don't know, that's why I come here. I hold no hope of him stopping. When you lose hope, something in you dies, I can't explain it.

In closing, there are no ideas or tricks I can give you. There is nothing on God's green earth that you can do to change another person. No schemes, no prayers, no begging. YOU are the only person YOU can control. Once you give up all of your hopes of him changing and focus on yourself, you can live a better life, even if you stay with him. The Serenity Prayer is not just for people with addictions. Say it every day, every night, let it sink in, believe it with all your heart. Make it your mantra:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
To change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

If you need someone to talk to more privately, you can PM me. I will help you all that I can. A good support system is key to getting mentally healthy again.

seesah · 06-18-2012, 03:07 PM

Prodigal: Would you call college students that binge drink on the weekends alcoholics as well? Not being sarcastic, just asking an honest question. I've wondered before if he was an alcoholic. He admits that he was one in his mid to late twenties and that's why his tolerance is so high. He doesn't drink until he blacks out or throws up and he usually remembers the night before. He just becomes incredibly abnoxious when he's drunk. He also only drinks a lot on Saturdays after his football games, rarely during the week or on consecutive days. So, if he's an alcoholic, he's in a very grey area. Either way, it's not healthy for either for us. I said in my post that I was considering just staying at my parent's house on the Saturdays that he goes out.

Shaggy: You make a good point. We haven't been trying for very long but I've never considered how binge drinking could affect sperm production and quality.

Endlessgrief: I feel very sad after reading your post. I hope that my husband's drinking doesn't make it to the point that your husband's has.

I guess I just wanted to make sure that my ideas about what to do to avoid the stress were actually appropriate. I've enabled people before and I don't want to do it again.

KathyBatesel · 06-18-2012, 03:46 PM

Your husband may or may not be alcoholic. He definitely IS alcohol abusive, and he's blacking out (not remembering things he said or did while drunk.) He's experiencing a loss of control over his finances when he drinks and is continuing to drink despite having full awareness that he spends too much when he does and that it causes his wife discomfort. If he hasn't crossed that invisible line into alcoholism, he is certainly straddling it. As a former certified drug and alcohol counselor, I have to say that in my opinion, he is dependent upon alcohol. Some of those college binge drinkers are, too, but one big difference lies in whether or not a person continues to drink despite negative consequences.

Would your husband give up pizza if it caused arguments, meant he wouldn't have sex, and made it hard to pay the bills?

I encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings and learn from others' experiences, strengths, and hopes. Especially if you're planning to have a child with this man, because as was stated, alcoholic environments cause a whole slew of emotional problems for the children who grow up in them.

Prodigal · 06-18-2012, 04:04 PM

Yes, I do believe there are college students who binge drink on weekends who are alcoholics. I pulled a few "lost weekends" myself in my early 20's. I did not continue such behavior. My husband did. And it progressed.

What is at issue here, is not whether or not your husband is an alcoholic. What is at issue is the fact that his drinking bothers you. He is obnoxious, he has no respect for your boundaries, and he is careless with money.

So, you have to decide what you want to do on your side of the street, because that is the only place you can keep clean.

Al-Anon isn't for everyone. I didn't have a clue what all those people were blabbing about in meetings when I first started going 16 years ago. I wanted my partner to stop drinking so my life wouldn't be so miserable.

It took awhile, but it finally came to me that his drinking was DRIVING ME NUTS. He was zoned out happy-as-could-be in laa-laa land. I was getting hives, upset stomachs, and suffering with anxiety attacks.

He got a DUI. He had his license revoked. He lost his job. Still, he drank. And there was nothing I could do. The only thing I could do is get my life in order, because alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes everyone down in its path.

I know many ACoA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics) whose childhood trauma from being exposed to a drunk parent translated into some serious issues in adulthood.

Take care of yourself, and you might want to consider putting children on hold for the time being. JMO.

Why Not Be Happy? · 06-18-2012, 04:05 PM

Do not have children until you get this worked out....
it will not be good for you or them.
Endless, that was an incredible post. You bared your soul---seesah, pay attention to these posts and do not let this slide or the resentment will build inside of you.

endlessgrief · 06-19-2012, 09:18 AM

Seesah,

Since I read your post about your drunk husband and how you hope your life doesn't turn out like mine did, I have been haunted with the need to help you, to warn you. I used to keep a journal just so I could get my feelings out. Please read the journal entry below. See if you have similar feelings to what you read in my journal (which is basically a letter to my H, written like I was speaking to him). Bear with me, please read on:

Here I am again, just four days after the last episode, waiting for you to get your ass home. I’m so sick of your lies. “I’ll be home shortly”, “I’m not going to drink anymore”, my ass. How much patience do I have to have with you? How many conversations do we have to have about this bull****? Now I’m just plain mad. I thought Thursday, meeting you at the door and hugging you instead of the cold shoulder would show you that I’m on your side, that I love you. Ignored, like all the other gestures. I’ve never felt more insignificant in my f*cking life.

Well, I’m going to start lying, and doing bad things. Hey, we can’t all be good right? I’m sick of being the one keeping the home fires burning while you go out and drink with your buddies. I’m sick of waiting here for you wondering if tonight will be the night you get put in jail or get killed in a car crash because you are too f*cking drunk to drive your truck! Nothing good can come of this. Nothing. I need to find a job and fast, because those old feelings of “I can’t take this sh!t anymore” are coming upon me again. You’ve taught me a very valuable lesson. That I can handle being alone A LOT and I like my own company, I have no f*cking choice do I? I’m so tired of worrying over your sorry ass. And believe me, it is sorry. It’s not personal right? But why does it feel so personal? You are choosing to stay away, even though you know I hate it, and drink anyways. Yeah, you have a problem, but you are drinking more lately than you did before. If you don’t like your job and you can’t handle it, GET THE F*CK OUT OF IT THEN. How much more understanding do I have to be? My understanding is getting very thin with you. You used to stay out late and drink maybe once a month, now it’s once or twice a week. And I’m sick of hearing you say to the floor “yeah, I f*cked up”. That doesn’t mean sh!t to me anymore.

Hey, on the positive side, when they throw your sorry ass in jail for DUI AGAIN, I will know where you are and can sleep soundly. I won’t have to look out the window at every passing car and carry the phone around with me even to the bathroom just in case you remember you HAVE A F*CKING WIFE, and call me to let me know where the f*ck you are! They say to try to stay positive, well, I’m POSITIVE you are pissing our marriage and your life away with this sh!t. Maybe your shrink has a point talking so much about our marriage. He knows that all this drinking bullsh!t does damage to a marriage, to a wife waiting at home, being lied to all the f*cking time. He knows how fed up a person can be on the other end of the sh*t-filled stick. You aren’t even f*cking trying to stop. You are indulging enough to make a drunk proud. You are hanging right in there with your drunk f*ck buddies. Seeing who can piss the furthest while I’m chopping onions for YOUR tuna salad. While I’m running to the store to get YOUR cream for your morning coffee. While I’m going to the deli and getting you hot sausage to barbecue when you get home. Well, you just don’t come home anymore. We should have never gotten married. I’m sick of doing all the work in this farce. I’m sick of trying to care about your struggles, while mine go unnoticed and uncared for. You want me to dress sexy for you? For what? I want nothing to do with you sexually. No matter how much I tell you, you of course, ignore what I’m saying and concentrate on your need to cumm. Just like my dad, caring only for yourself and my feelings be damned. Tomorrow night you will have the BALLS to ask for a HJ or a BJ. Dream on buddy. Just like you aren’t there for me, I’m not going to be there for you. It’s the only control I have in this f*cking marriage. You control the money, what we buy, how we feel, when you come home, when you don’t, I’m just here for the awful ride. What a life. No wonder I’m depressed! Agreeing with everything I say isn’t going to cut it anymore. Admitting you are wrong and continuing to do the same sh!t isn’t working for me any more. I don’t believe a word you say. You are full of sh!t and you know it.

You always say the morning after that you don’t want me to leave you. Then why the f*ck do you continue this behavior? Do you think I’m that stupid? You think you are only hurting yourself and I shouldn’t take it personally. Well, you weren’t listening AGAIN, when I said it hurts me when you behave like this. I’m convinced that you only hear Charlie Brown’s teacher when I spill out the contents of my heart. It has no meaning for you. My problems are tiny compared to yours right? Try being married to a drunk who supports you financially and you can’t do a damned thing about it. I’m in jail too. I never know what to expect next.

You are f*cking things up so bad right now, and you know you are. Sh!t, I called you and tried to sound “not pissed” but that didn’t work either. Jeez Ray, don’t rush home now! I’m so tired of this sh!t. I ache with it. I’m so angry with you I could spit. It’s only Monday, we still have the rest of the week to deal with. God forbid Todd doesn’t show up for work again, you will need to drink to make him appear as if by magic! I hope you don’t tear your jeans or have someone tell you your hair is going gray, TGI Fridays will have another high paying customer. I wish you would deal with your anger, not run from it. How can I feel loved and cherished when you do this sh!t? You are married dammit! You OWE me some respect. Oh, you say that you respect me, blah blah blah. I don’t buy it anymore. You lie more than Max’s rug! In fact, you ARE that maggot infested rug on the landing! I just love cleaning up maggots because YOU were too drunk to come home Thursday night and take out the garbage. You know I don’t like the housewife, clean everything bullsh!t. Clean your clothes, wash your ass! I know you pay the bills, but I’m sick to DEATH of doing everything and getting nothing in return.

To end this note, I just want to say that you just plain old suck. Stay away from me, don’t try to touch me and get your rocks off. The one thing I have control over is MY body, and it’s MY body, not yours anymore. Go stick your d!ck in a beer bottle, you prefer its company anyway. I know that sounds mean, but I’m not much to be around anyways right? You aren’t here are you? Nope. Later . . .

Well you just called at 10:30 saying you were on your way, in a very slurred voice. I feel sorry for all the innocent people out there on the road with a drunk madman. I hope you get caught, I really do. Someone needs to stop you, and I can’t. I don’t have the power, though you think that I should. If you love me that much, I should have some f*cking say. But I don’t. I just live here rent free. But is it really free? I don’t feel very free. I’m tied down to a guy who drinks all the time, what fun. Oh the romance. What a crock. I wish I could turn my back on you and let you drown yourself. Maybe someday I will get the courage to do so. That is my hope anyways. I need to be ME and not Ray’s wife, ever waiting for his return. It’s become boring. I need something else. I’m an individual too.

This was my journal entry for AUGUST 22, 2000. 12 years ago and NOTHING has changed, in fact, it is worse. The years pass so fast, I am stunned that reading every word of that journal entry STILL applies to how I feel to this day.

I am not preaching or judging, I am just sharing information. You are not alone in this. I will have your back should you need to talk and get things off your chest.

Take care.

Why Not Be Happy? · 06-19-2012, 02:10 PM

Thanks for sharing Endless. I hope Seesah PM'd you. I'd hug you if you were in front of me!