General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Tonight just keeps getting better and better. The more I put my foot down the harder he tries to crush me. I freakin' hate him. What a tool! What the heck did I ever see in him to begin with?! Posted via Mobile Device
Yea. You are just seeing reality now.
I was like that with my daughter's father. now I look at him as say, WOW! I was with him before my frontal lobe was developed (before age 25), it's totally obvious. If I met him now, i'd probably laugh at him and think, "Damn, what a loser."
I would, however, try not to post things until you're calmed down. Private chat with people about issues.
When we mature as woman, we don't revel in drama and stirring up crap. YES what he does to you is awful, but no, not everyone (including friends) needs to see the shet storm on your FB.
Learn to be discrete and trust a few people who will guide you, not feed your frenzy.
He tried to give me the "hallmark" apology. I HATE that impersonal sh!t.
He's sleeping on the couch now and I'm not crying anymore. I finally told him off tonight, told him how I hate how he treats me and that I don't want to be with him anymore.
He tried to make up, but it just didn't seem sincere. I know him. I know what his sincere looks like. He can eat dog poo for all I care!
Me and the kid are curled up in bed together. Praying tomorrow will be easier than today - but I know me. I'll probably end up caving because I'm a desperate loser like that. :/
Staying away from FB for now. Gotta say I was *really* tempted but I posted here instead... Posted via Mobile Device
Good for you! It sounds like you have plenty of reason to need to vent sometimes, and having a place where he and his family don't know about is exactly what will benefit you the most.
You said something that I think might be important to what you guys are going through.... that he thinks you just see him as a paycheck. I've known some men who felt that way, and it's a pretty crappy thing to think, but it's understandable that they felt that way. They all prided themselves on being good providers, but didn't feel like their own expectations of what an appreciative, loving wife were met.
In your case, since you don't have a job, he feels like he's a provider for you. When you had your daughter, he may have felt especially pressured to be that provider, even if he *had* taken time off for auditions. (The birth of a child can make a person feel their responsibility a whole lot more, and he sees his responsibility as earning the income.)
Has he ever talked about what he thinks marriage is supposed to be like, what he thinks wive should be doing in a marriage, or anything like that?
I think it's sad if he really feels that way - I've done my best over the last year to tell him that I need MORE than just his paycheck. I need his love and affection and genuine investment in me - therefore I think he makes these comments solely to rile me up. It usually works, but tonight I tod him if all he wants to be is just a paycheck then so be it. And I left it at that.
I don't know what his expectations or perception of roles in marriage are like - he doesn't and won't talk about that sort of thing. From what I gather, he wants me to care for the baby, work, clean the house, look after our pets, and accept little to no affection without complaint. He works Monday through Friday. Big woop-de-doo. I used to spend so much of my time and effort throwing my arms around him in the morning and thanking him for working to support the household, etc. Only to be met with comments like, "It's not like I have a choice."
How's that for a "You're welcome." :/
His history: raised between his wild, promiscuous mother (4 marriages/many abusive), and his staunch rug-sweeping christian grandparents. He has had a terrible childhood. We both have. We've both felt abandoned, both been molested as children, etc.
Still - it's no excuse. The man seems to lack common sense. He lacks empathy and trust in anyone. He's impossible to reach 99.9% of the time. I'm just so fed up trying. Posted via Mobile Device
I think it's sad if he really feels that way - I've done my best over the last year to tell him that I need MORE than just his paycheck.
I think you missed the point. He wants his paycheck to be enough for you, and is unhappy that you "still want more." I could be wrong. It might be the opposite - that he resents being a provider and would rather show love in other ways. In either case, I think you guys would benefit from using the principles in Chapman's book The 5 Languages of Love Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books
If he wants the paycheck to be enough, then why would he imply that that's all I want from him and that I'm just using him??
I have the book. Wasn't able to get past the religious flavor, although I did read the descriptions of the various ways people show love. I need the words of affirmation - he's a gift giver. Somewhat...
I could try pulling it off of the bookshelf and reading it again, but I'm afraid it would really just be a waste of time.
Nothing on this green earth is going to convince him that I deserve to be loved and respected. So I guess I have to make that call for myself... :/ Posted via Mobile Device
And tonight's drama: let's see, I sold my transformer for $115, every penny of which I turned over to him because he is sooo burdened caring for me and my daughter. He doesn't even offer a thanks.
Next we go to the store where he pisses and moans the whole time, except for when some chic said something (?) To him... He sure smiled about that.
We get home. He wants to do yoga before we make dinner. No problem, you know I don't get breakfast or lunch everyday so what's another hour and a half?
When he gets around to making dinner, (which is just a tiny salad), he is in the kitchen slamming sh!t around and in general, letting me know how p!ssy he is. I'm upstairs feeding and changing our daughter.
He gripes about his eye hurting. Yes, he has Keratoconus, but he is merely b!tching because he knows I have one percocet left from my dental stuff and he wants it. I refuse to give it to him. More b!tching and slamming of things continue.
But hey guess what? I didn't let this trigger me tonight. I told him it's too bad that he's in a p!ssy mood (hey when isn't he?) But I rubbed his shoulders and didn't nag him to get on with "dinner" even though I was starving.
He is still throwing his little tantrums. Oh well... See if that gets you anywhere!
I hate to say it, but I wish his family knew how he REALLY is... They just think he's Mr. Wonderful. He's so devoted and self-sacrificing! Omg!
Ugh.
Sorry, I needed to vent. :/ Posted via Mobile Device
More venting - don't mind me. At this point it's just journaling
Yesterday I emailed Grandma via FB and apologized to her for offending her. I wanted to own up to the offensive things I said.
In a classic rug-sweeping manner, she pretended to not know what I was talking about. She said she "appreciated" my "candor" and that she loved me. Well, that kind of p!ssed me off because I know that she's complained about it. Oh well, I owned up and took the initiative to apologize. It's done and over with in my book.
Last night I asked hubby if I can read him an article I found online. I asked that he try to keep an open mind and to try not to become defensive. He listened as I read the article, (about verbal abuse). He smirked most of the time. I tried not to let this effect me. I explained how it really hurts my feelings when he puts me down and calls me names. I told him that I believed he was a better person than that. (I guess I was wrong). He proceeded to get defensive anyways and say more things that could be construed as crazy-making and emotional abuse. I started reacting - he was doing the very thing I had asked him to become AWARE of and to stop.
When I realized that I was reacting, I stopped. I went to bed, game over. At this point I'm thinking mean thoughts about his lack of intelligence in this situation, but I say nothing. I try to switch my thoughts to make excuses for him. (It's hard to find a balance). :/
We had agreed for him to take care of the baby overnight, so that I get a break once a week. By morning it is clear that he has resented the fact he had to get up several times during the night. I do not feel sorry for him. I do it all the time.
Since he was obviously in a bad mood, I decided that I will also own up to my behavior, and I apologized to him for "reacting" last night. I should have just let it go, but honestly, all the smirking, dismissals, veiled insults and nit-picking had driven me mad.
Do you think he apologized or took ownership for anything he said or did? Hell no. Oh well.
This morning he lays in bed and wants to sleep in. Fine. I am laying next to him reading the threads on this forum. I am not typing and my phone is on silent. Out of the blue he starts griping that he should just get up because I am distracting him. My phone is making too much noise! Wow! It's on silent and I'm not even typing. It is clear to me that he's just unable to sleep and wants to blame someone for it!
He's trying VERY hard to get under my skin right now. It's taking all the energy I have to cope. We will see how the day progresses. I'm very drained already...
Finding myself very depressed. Life with someone who doesn't like you is extremely difficult.
There is only silence between us. My heart aches and I want to cry. I wanted so badly for him to be able to be nice and caring and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I wanted to have a relationship in which I am valued and adored, but he is never going to be that guy. Talking to my mom about getting a divorce. Starting to look forward to it. I want the freedom. I want the happiness and I want relief from this stale, stagnant atmosphere. I want away from him in the worst way. Being in the same room with him is like smelling death. I am suffocating and withering in this silent sorrow. Posted via Mobile Device
Today a very near and dear pet has passed away after 12 years of companionship. Not only am I depressed and sad to see her go, my husband is being his cold insensitive self. I actually asked him for a hug - and while hugging me he was staring at his phone behind my back the entire time. When I get offended and hurt, it's because I'm too "sensitive". Of course. Everything is always my fault. I'm always too sensitive. Always trying to hard. For god's sakes. I just want to be cared about. What the hell does it take to get someone who "loves" you to actually act like they love you???
I'm being triggered hard now. I feel alone and worthless. I am ashamed to admit how far I've slipped on this slippery slope. I want to treat him in kind. I want him to hurt lile I hurt but I know it isn't right. So I sit here, bottling my feelings because I don't know how to deal with this sh!t anymore. I hate him so much.
And minding my own business, he comes around and says, "what are you crying about?" After b!tching that we need to go to the store. Great. :'( Posted via Mobile Device
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