General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
hello everyone. im new to this forum and i was hoping to get some unbiased relationship help. i dont even know where to start, so i guess the beginning is the best place.
im married to my husband for 6 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. we have been together for a total of 14 years- high school sweethearts.
My husband is a very good man, theres no history of physical abuse, possibly some emotional abuse...but i may be provoking that- ill leave that up to you to let me know if i am. My husband provides for the family very well and he is an incredible father... so whats the problem you ask? ill do my best to describe.
When i first met my husband everything was great, he was my best friend, we laughed and had fun, we never argued, but things changed. before my daughter was born my husband was seriously injured and was unable to walk for about 6 months. he had to have a major surgery and thankfully pulled through great, however he still has some lingering side effects.
one of them being he was unable to have sex for a very long time. and he has days when he is in a lot of pain.
i stood beside my husband and cared for him the entire time. i was starting to feel a little upset about our relationship before i had my daughter, but once i had her everything was great, going strong till just after her first birthday. ( bout and half a ago) right up to then our sex life was incredible, and then it started to taper off. we began to barely even talk.. seriously if we exchange 5 sentences per day thats alot, anything i said my husband would do the opposite, its like we completely grew apart. he does not tell me anything that is going on in his life outside our relationship ( extended family issues, etc) i always look stupid infront of his family because when there issues happening i never know about it and i look like im just being insensitive not bringing it up, when in reality i dont know because he dont tell me anything. Worst of all we have some pretty strong disaggreements about how my daughter should be raised. for example my husband refuses to let my daughter cry heself to sleep at night, instead he insists on bringing her into bed with us. i told him never to do this and if we just let her cry herself to sleep a couple nights in a row she would learn how to put herself back to sleep when she woke in the middle of the night. ( theres no medical issues, she just doesnt want to sleep alone) so my husband brings her into bed with us every nightand then he continuously fights with me because his sleep gets disturbed because she is in the bed. he underminds my authority when it comes to my daughter at every turn he gets. im always put down when it comes to her.
so our relationship has pretty much turned into a roommate situation we have barely had sex for the past 4 or 5 months. i always would try to initiate it and he would always come up with an excuse not to have it. he would always tell me that i wait to long to have sex and hes tired because he has to get up with the baby every night and i dont help him. ( my husband still has a baby monitor next to him every night. i do not hear my daughter in the middle of the night unless she starts screaming- she never does, what she does instead is get onto the floor and bang her head on the floor repeatedly until someone comes to get her. my husband hears this and gets her. i have told him to let her keep doing it and eventually she will stop. i have checked with the doctors and they said this is completely normal...10 different doctors said its normal. my husband refuses t leave her to fall asleep on the floor, so he gets her. i have told him that because i dont hear her he can wake me up and i will take her, but he dont...instead he fights with me that im horrible because i never get up with her. my daughter is over 2. i do not think a baby monitor is needed but he insists on it. if he doesnt want to listen to me, am i the bad person?
it takes 2 hours to get my daughter to sleep sometimes, so at 11pm when i finally get her to bed i will try and initiate sex, im always turned down for waiting to long- not by choice, but im still wrong.
so fast forward to March this year.... I met someone and cheated on my husband. I was looking for the companionship that was lacking in my marriage. Its so terrible to feel completely alone even when your with someone. so i met someone who was also married. we clicked. we fell in love. he left his wife...divorce will be final the end of the week. he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point. the connection is pretty incredible. he makes me so happy. so now im completely confused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you.
I don't think you should leave your husband for your boyfriend. Everything looks better on the other side. Go to marriage counseling. Give it time to work out. If it doesn't, leave but not for your boyfriend. Just get out and give yourself some time to settle down.
he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point.
Forever, huh? A couple of married cheaters get together, and live happily ever after. At the first sign of trouble, both of you will be wondering if the other has found another cheater replacement.
Divorce your husband ASAP. He deserves better than this crap.
HI Confused -- I have a test for you and it's up to you if you want to do this. It is quite easy --- and I am not judging you -- but re-read what you wrote -- not once but a few times -- and tell me what the one common thing is about your thread.
Did you sit your husband down, or approach him calmly to let him know if you guys continued in the direction you were going, that the marriage would be over? Have you unselfishly stepped outside of yourself to see yourself in your husband's eyes and see what you have possibly done to help cause the problems in your marriage? Have you seriously considered the possibility that you might have been or are being selfish and self-centered? Or do you only blame him? I'm asking these things because I, myself, have done these things to cause issues in my own marriage and I'm now trying to dig myself out.
.... however he still has some lingering side effects.
one of them being he was unable to have sex for a very long time. ....
How long is "a very long time?"
Quote:
i stood beside my husband and cared for him the entire time. i was starting to feel a little upset about our relationship before i had my daughter, but once i had her everything was great, going strong till just after her first birthday. ( bout and half a ago) right up to then our sex life was incredible,...... my daughter should be raised. for example my husband refuses to let my daughter cry heself to sleep at night, instead he insists on bringing her into bed with us. i told him never to do this and if we just let her cry herself to sleep a couple nights in a row she would learn how to put herself back to sleep when she woke in the middle of the night. ( theres no medical issues, she just doesnt want to sleep alone) so my husband brings her into bed with us every nightand then he continuously fights with me because his sleep gets disturbed because she is in the bed. he underminds my authority when it comes to my daughter at every turn he gets. im always put down when it comes to her.
so our relationship has pretty much turned into a roommate situation we have barely had sex for the past 4 or 5 months. i always would try to initiate it and he would always come up with an excuse not to have it. he would always tell me that i wait to long to have sex and hes tired because he has to get up with the baby every night and i dont help him. ( my husband still has a baby monitor next to him every night. i do not hear my daughter in the middle of the night unless she starts screaming- she never does, what she does instead is get onto the floor and bang her head on the floor repeatedly until someone comes to get her. my husband hears this and gets her. i have told him to let her keep doing it and eventually she will stop. i have checked with the doctors and they said this is completely normal...10 different doctors said its normal. my husband refuses t leave her to fall asleep on the floor, so he gets her. i have told him that because i dont hear her he can wake me up and i will take her, but he dont...instead he fights with me that im horrible because i never get up with her. my daughter is over 2. i do not think a baby monitor is needed but he insists on it. if he doesnt want to listen to me, am i the bad person?
it takes 2 hours to get my daughter to sleep sometimes, so at 11pm when i finally get her to bed i will try and initiate sex, im always turned down for waiting to long- not by choice, but im still wrong.
Odd phrasing with the constant "My daughters"
If you hadn`t stated so in the beginning of the post I`d be certain this child wasn`t your husbands biological kid.
Don`t really know what it means but the fact that you keep using this self centered phrasing definitely means something.
Is this kid your husbands?
It`s just that I`ve read hundreds of threads here where people discuss "their" children and have never seen anyone do this before when discussing parenting unless they`re talking about a step-family situation
Edit: Holy crap and then there are the "I" statements!!
Honey you have to get beyond yourself and start to put something or someone before yourself.
I`m untrained in this stuff but the self centered statements in such extreme excess have got to be a sign of something not right in your head.
Yikes. Good luck finding help here. You're not exactly painting a politically correct picture lol. However I will try to help you. Your first duty is to your husband. You should go NC with your lover and tell him you need time to sort out your marriage situation. Then go to counseling. You have a 2yo daughter. Jeez. Any other route is a world of pain for you. If you can find the strength to do as I advise you will minimize the damage.
Of course your OM looks wonderful. HE doesn't have to change diapers or wipe up vomit. HE doesn't have to rescue you if your car strands you. HE doesn't have to hold your head over the toilet when you have the flu.
HE seems wonderful because HE IS A FANTASY.
Instead of dealing with all the issues in your marriage, you took the easy way out. What do you think will happen when your OM has to do all these things, and you gripe at HIM for differences in child rearing? What will happen when he has to answer the door when your ex-husband's mom comes to see her grandbaby? What will happen when HE is too tired to give you sex and you start feeling sorry for yourself again?
You can't run from your problems, cg - THEY ALWAYS FOLLOW YOU. Because they are inside of YOU.
Just so you know, though, I thoroughly disagree with your husband's approach on your daughter and on her sleeping in your bed. But you should have been adult enough about it to find a solution, instead of running into another man's arms.
so fast forward to March this year.... I met someone and cheated on my husband. I was looking for the companionship that was lacking in my marriage. Its so terrible to feel completely alone even when your with someone. so i met someone who was also married. we clicked. we fell in love. he left his wife...divorce will be final the end of the week. he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point. the connection is pretty incredible. he makes me so happy. so now im completely confused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you.
The answer to your question (in the title) is: "YES".
Your husband seems capable of looking after his daughter, so divorce and let him have primary custody. This way it will allow you more quality time with your lover.
Confused, let me get this right. So you and your AP are in love. And the two of you decided, with out any consultations with your spouses, you were going to change their lives and the lives of your children. Right? What was wrong with resolving your marriage problems first?
Well I guess it's too late for that now. So let's answer your question.
You would like to know from strangers on a marriage forum if you should stay with your husband or leave for your lover. We can give you advice but it won't be the right answer. There is one person who can give you the right answer. YOUR HUSBAND!!!
Tell him and let him decide about his life, for himself, instead of you and you AP deciding for him.
Oh and just for laughs, you should google information on the success rates of marriages born from infidelity. I believe the surivival rate is around 3%
Oh and just for laughs, you should google information on the success rates of marriages born from infidelity. I believe the surivival rate is around 3%
Good luck!
Actually the only verifiable research done on 2nd marriages born of affairs states they have a 25% success rate.
That 3% quote originated from a blogging BS that took that 25% and twisted the hell out of math to get to 3%.
92Likes
should i leave my marriage for my lover? 
At the first sign of trouble, both of you will be wondering if the other has found another cheater replacement.
