Trying to go back

jaydeeaitch · 06-19-2012, 01:18 AM

This is my first post after lurking around the board for awhile.

First, a little background:

We have been together for 25 years, married for 22. I was her first boyfriend and we were both our first sex partners after marriage. We got married when I was 20 and she was 18. Looking back, I would not trade in the last 25 years, but in retrospect, I wish we would have waited for marriage.

I had an affair that she found out about 16 years ago. 11 years ago, we were going to get a divorce, initiated by me, but worked it out and back together within a month.

The last 1o years have had its ups and downs. We have had some fights but got through them. A year ago i caught her in a emotional affair, but she ended it as soon as I found out. It was hard for me to get over, and sometimes wonder if anything else happened.

The Monday after Easter this year, I announced I wanted a divorce out of the blue. Still to this day, I regret that night. I do not know why I wanted it, but she was in agreement. It went good for the next 2 weeks, with her asking me constantly if I was sure. I assumed that she was making sure I wasn't changing my mind.

I moved out after 2 weeks, and from the first week gone, I wanted to reconcile and wanted her back. At first she was reluctant, but then it seemed like we were going to work it out.

Now, it doesn't seem like it is progressing at all. I am getting negative feedback from her one moment, and then she tells me she hadn't made up her mind yet. She hasn't filed yet, and that gives me a little hope, as she says until she files, there is hope.

She says she has changed over the years, and just doesn't know if she could love me again. I want to help her to grow back in love with me.

I just don't know how to deal with the situation. I want her back so much, and yet we still argue when we call, even though the arguments are about us getting back.

I do have some anger and selfishness issues that often got in our way. I admit them now, and am working through them with therapy.

I just want to know if anyone else have had this situation occur? How much space should I give her and how do I approach the subject of reconciling? Should I not call her at all and let her call me? Is there a chance for us?

Acorn · 06-19-2012, 08:21 AM

I think the important thing to figure out is why you don't seem to be happy in the marriage. You say you wish you waited for marriage, you had an affair, you threaten divorce out of the blue - why?

I bet your wife would be 100 times more interested in those answers than I am, too.

It is hard to love someone as a life partner when their actions show they do not seem happy to be with you for life.

KathyBatesel · 06-19-2012, 03:02 PM

There is a lot more to this story. I'm guessing when I say this, but that selfishness you're talking about has been affecting her for years. You insisted you wanted a divorce, and when she asked you repeatedly, you kept saying the same thing, that you did want it. Why would she believe that coming back to you was in HER best interest if that's the case? If I was her, I'd be thinking you were just looking to use me.

Do you have more to offer her than you used to? If you can demonstrate that her experience with you will be better than it used to be, validate that it wasn't what it should have been, and make it better than what she has as a single person, you stand a decent chance of getting her back, but if not, you should focus on yourself and being the best person you can be as you move on with your own life.