General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've fallen out of love with my husband, i have been feeling this way for over a year now he let me down is such a way i can never or will never get over and now everything he does i see as a let down from him, I also know i wont leave him as we have a young daughter and i dont want to bring her up on my own, We do not row so it not like she is in a bad family home, i just dont know how to get that spark back or want to spend any time with him, We have been together 9 years and thought maybe it was a patch that you go through but im feeling nothing for him now and only getting worse
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"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
We did have a appointment with relate and he cancelled that day due to work (even tho it was booked 3 weeks before)
In how i felt he let me down is when out daughter was a year old i fell pregnant again (we was defo not trying and i was on the pill) Our daughter has not been easy and still does not sleep now so we knew we didnt want another child but my husband see it as my problem and left me to do it all on my own as well as still look after the house, children and go to work myself, i just started to see that he dont ever think about how i might feel or even care, i have never really needed him to look after me but this time i did and feel he should have wanted to, dont help that i did ask him to book the day off not to come with me but to look after our daughter and yet he still said no. I dont know how to let it go and always feel i can never rely on him to make me feel good or to look after me the way i need.
Looks like you may just have to try for IC (Individual counseling) if your H can't seem to make it to mc. Also looks like you two have a serious communication problem and he may be taking you for granted. Do you ever go out and do things when your home? Ever have any date nights or anything? Any hobbies you do in your spare time?
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"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
I have tried to talk to him so many times about the way he makes me feel and at the time he always says the right thing and understands what im saying untill the time comes when i need him and once again im left feeling let down, we use to do so much together but now everything is about our daughter and we both work different hours now (due to our daughter) so never at home in the evenings and weekends are for his sport, i feel that as im not going to leave him i should just shut up and put up but its so hard to switch off this horrid feeling, he is such a good dad just a rubbish selfish husband.
I am sorry you find yourself here and feeling so badly. I think you may be feeling a lot of resentment, anger and disappointment. Just like you, I had been left to deal with things on my own after an unplanned pregnancy. I felt a lot of things and none of them were good. I finally realized if I waited for him to help I'd be waiting a very long time. At that point I went to IC to deal with my pain and my own issues. I strongly suggest IC for you Poppy80.
Thank you Lastdance, i really am going to have to try something on my own, cant keep feeling like this, i have never heard of IC so this helps alot already.
IC = individual counseling. Sorry Poppy, I've been here less than a month and I'm already using the short hand found here. There is a link Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
The list has "most" of the abbreviations. You'll need to scroll down a bit to find the list. It is a very long, but very informative, thread. It is found in the very first post.
You are looking for some kind of closure, maybe? Might be asking yourself, "Why?" a lot. "Why is he not helping me?" or "Why doesn't he care?" maybe even "Why doesn't he get it?" I don't think hubby is able or willing to give you those answers. He may not know himself since he may not have done any work to figure them out.
You need to work on this with a counselor to sort out the mess in your head. IMHO I know I have had to do the work myself. And ya know, that's okay. I'm worth the time and work it takes. And ya know what else? So are you hun.
Poppy, I'm sad to hear that you're stuck on how he let you down so badly that you're daughter is going to be raised in a loveless marriage.
At least, that's how it sounds to me.
You guys *can* get over it, but it might mean that you have to learn how to get what you want and need from him. Obviously, asking for it doesn't work.
Instead of asking, try making a simple statement: "This Saturday, I'm going to XYZ, and you'll need to watch our daughter or hire a sitter. Which do you prefer?"
It may help you to realize he probably doesn't realize how his behavior affects you. Even if you describe it to him, it's not something he can relate to, so it doesn't really register that it is "THAT" important.
I've found that there are a lot of men who just don't work in words, but who work fine when action takes place. The problem is that women tend to avoid action until they have their partner's buy-in, while the guys often don't bother giving that buy-in.
Expect your guy to resist the sudden change at first. That's natural when something happens that we don't expect and is clearly a game changer. But when you want him to do something, try taking the dominant stance and just telling him where to be and when. You won't always get your way, but it'll start him listening, I bet.
Poppy, you have gotten some great advice so far. Just think, not too long ago women had to raise the babies, clean the house, and do everything to keep marriages together. My father has NEVER even changed a diaper. Super duper old school.
Look again at your first post. You said you wouldn't leave him because you do not want to raise a child on your own. In reality, you already ARE doing this on your own. You are stronger than you think. You feel betrayed by the ONE person who is never supposed to leave you twisting in the wind. Resentment is like a cancer and the more you don't treat it, the bigger it grows. It sounds like you have been left behind by your husband while he is in the same house. I can't believe how common this is these days, both men and women.
These days women do not want to "go it alone" especially if they have a husband. I think that it's better for everyone, especially for the child, if the father plays a very active roll in their upbringing. I'm talking wiping snotty noses, cleaning explosive poop, feeding and rocking the baby at 3 in the morning.
Your resentment, disappointment, and anger towards your husband is very real. How can you have loving feelings for someone you feel is letting you down? I personally do not think you have fallen out of love with him . . . . YET. I think you want to rip his lazy arms off and beat him with them.
At this point I am thinking your hubby only hears white noise and feels you are nagging him. Sounds like he has shut you out. Perhaps he thinks taking care of the baby, house, him, etc. is your job because you are a woman. Who knows what is going on in his head. And if he won't open up and work with you instead of against you, you are gonna snap.
Individual counseling is great, but for some it is hard to find and sometimes too expensive. So you are left to flail all by yourself, drowning in resentment. We gotta fix this. Keep coming here and ranting. Don't worry about people getting sick of you talking about the same subject over and over. You need an outlet, use this forum for that. It does help, I can attest to that.
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Head is a mess! 
