So I've been married now for 2 weeks. We were engaged for 8 months, and have been together for about a year an a half. I knew her fairly well before we dated as well.
We don't fight allot, but when we do, they are usually pretty big fights. Tonight was one of those nights.
What I'm looking for is validation, for her and for myself. She has explained to me how she feels, and I've explained to her how I feel.
I have always been a Nerdy Geeky guy. You got it the stereo typical nerd who played allot of video games, and lived the single life with a good Job and no responsibility. That's all changed now. After a few bouts of long distance I finally moved to where she lived. In doing so I gave up a much better paying Job, one that in the past made things a good bit more fun for us. We could take trips, eat out all the time when I'd visit her etc.
Now she is not a materialistic women, so the fact that I now make barely enough to pay my past single life bills and rent sure can be uncomfortable at times, she doesn't fuss to much about it, a blessing for sure!
Lately I've begun working more on securing monetary stability for us, I have 6 years of computer repair knowledge, and so I've been working on getting a side business going down here. Setting things up, designing a website, etc. I've also been working on allot of certifications, doing more studying, and I know that this can be a drag on the relationship, but I usually try and do things to make her still feel special.
Today after a new Job interview I waited around her work for an hour for her to get off so we could go home together. While she cooked dinner for us, I stayed around her in the kitchen and living room talking ( and reading a book ) but still with her. We live on a hobbie farm and she has several animals and I helped her take care of them.
In essence I felt like I spent a reasonable amount of time, just with my wife, doing things with her, to help her.
Then this evening rolled around, she wanted to watch a movie in the bedroom, and I wanted to work on the business website. I told her to come watch the movie out by me on the couch. She said she felt to lazy and was just going to watch it in the bedroom. A few minutes later when I went in to grab something she beckoned me over, I kissed her of-course, told her I loved her, and went to head back to when I was doing. She was immediately irritated with me and started whining about me cuddling with her in bed for a while. With her "a whiles" it means hours. Never once has it meant 15 or 30 minutes. I said not tonight that I had work to do, but that when I was done I'd come to bed. She again started complaining, after saying not tonight 5 or 6 times, I started to lose my patients and simply said not tonight babe, but I love you and started to walk away. She pleaded once more saying just for 5 minutes, and she said I could even set a timer on my phone. Well I'd have to be a **** not to say OK to that, I set it for 10 minutes instead. A few minutes passed and the fight began. She asked me why I never wanted to be by her anymore, to cuddle, to let her sit on me and hold her all the time. I said she was being ridiculous: an hour later and a few outburst from both of us, she finally told me she hopped I'd be happy living my life alone, that maybe it was a mistake us getting married, that I was a bad husband for not even spending a whole hour with his wife, and that I should place her current needs of affection above everything else, during this time I offered up again her coming and watching a show with me while I worked, getting and doing something special with her in the morning, and several other activities. She said I was a horrible husband who didn't fulfill the needs of his wife when she needed him. And that the only way to prove I loved her was give her the one thing she needed. To be cuddled with for hours.
I should note, she is right with cuddling, I don't like doing it for long periods of time. 25-45 minutes is perfect for me unless you are cuddling yourselves to sleep, but hours just drives me crazy. It makes me feel lazy and like I am wasting my time, doing nothing when I could be doing something. Its an argument that's come up before many times. I would say 80% of the time I just give in an cuddle for the hour or two, but sometimes when my mind is especially active and concerned with finishing a task or getting some work down on something like getting this business going, its almost impossible for me to just lay still for hours. My mind just runs and runs and I get aggravated that I'm just laying there not able to do the things I feel I need to. It honestly makes me feel trapped.
So any advice out there? I would never divorce my wife, the Idea to me is sick, but that's just my own upbringing. She is the same way. I know she says things like " maybe we shouldn't have gotten married" but Its just to get me riled up, or looking for me to validate my choice in marrying her. I've never taken it personally, and she always apologizes and says she didn't mean it the next day.
Two weeks out of a life time isn't long I know, and to allot of folks out there this probably seems pretty silly and childish, but hey we are young. I'm just looking for some unbiased mix gender-ed advice. And hey feel free to critisize if you think I am being a ass
I don't think you're being an ass. I don't think she is trying to be either. Two weeks is not a long time to have been married.
I've been told the first year is the hardest. I've only been married 7 months now, and it has not been a fairy tale by any stretch of the imagination. There have been a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of figuring out how to live together.
Did you guys live together before you were married? We did not. And neither of us had ever lived with a significant other before, so it was a big change. Plus I moved to a completely new place, and he has work stress that added to the overall stress, among other things. But I am happy to tell you that I do think it gets easier. I think the bulk of it is just figuring out how to live together getting used to a whole new set of circumstances.
I will say that I don't think saying things like "maybe we shouldn't have gotten married" is fair or right. My husband and I have both said things like this a lot, knowing good and well we never meant them. But it can wear on a person and a relationship after a while, even if no one takes it personally. Learning not to say things like that is part of learning how to fight with one another, though. At least for us, it was something that needed to go. It was more of a way to get--exactly what you said--validation or attention from the other person. Ultimately it is just a tool to manipulate one another. It works fine for a while, but it eventually causes the other person to become neutral about such comments, which upsets the person throwing it around. It took us figuring out that it was doing nothing to help us, make our marriage stronger, or make us happier for us to stop doing it. We are still learning how to fight for the benefit of the relationship instead of fighting to have our side heard, but it has gotten better.
I will also add that I think this website can help you. I just found it a week or so ago and it has put a lot of things in perspective for me, which I needed. I don’t post a lot, but I read a lot of things, and just reading others’ posts has been helpful for me. Good luck! And Congratulations on your new marriage!!
I see a couple of compromises. Since she wants the cuddle time, do you ork at other times, like when she is cooking, or before she gets home. Heck, get up early in the morning and do some of that work.
Another is to set the timer on your work in the evening. It will of course depend on your sleep schdeles, but set it so that you give your wife 90 minutes of cuddle time at the end of the evening. So if you start at 7 pm, set the time to be done at 9:30, then cuddle with her until 11.
Thanks for the Advice guys, I shared this thread with her, and she agreed she felt like I was brushing her off, which is far from the truth, I just need time to do other things as well. As far as compromising, the only thing she said sounded reasonable was getting up early to do my work. The thing is I've tried that, there is the same nagging when I leave early out of bed in the morning as there is staying up later. It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a night owl by nature. Its hard for me to just go to bed, I end up just laying there for hours when I got to bed too early at night.
To answer your questions Leanne, no we didn't live together, and she admits there is some unspoken expectations she had, that I was unaware of. In her mind, she expected us to go to bed together every night for the most part. Which over 75% the time we do. But she has always know I stay up later at night, I'm use to going to bed around 2am, I have a hard time going to bed sooner, and working second shift most of my life this is the pattern I've sort of had for years and years. She said she thought that would change once we were married and I'd go to bed with her most of the time. 10pm to 11pm is just too early for me especially when I get off work around 9pm.
And the timer thing Angel, I agree is just stupid, I was an idiot to fall for that, we talked about it last night, and its just a lose lose for me :P She even said " Any guy who would set a time for cuddling with his wife in my mind is just an *******" and for me when she say's "Just cuddle with me for 5 minutes, you can even set a timer" her being the one offering this, I'm like "Well Any guy who would say no to 5 minutes where there is even a timer set would be an absolute *******" but really is soon as I say ok to that, its already become a fight and I just didn't realize it.
As far as cooking with her, she has a very particular way of doing things, I think she can be a little OCD at times, which has way more pro's then con's I feel. But its hard to cook together unless we are responsible for separate items of the meal. I usually just stay around her and try and help out, washing something if she needs it, or getting something if she needs it. Both of us cook, but she has a very specific way she likes things done when she is the one cooking.
And timing is an issue. She works at a fast food place, and her hours are all over, where as mine are steady evening shifts, some days we have hours to do things together, some we don't, I don't get off work till 9. The nights when she can stay up its usually not an issue, but the nights where its pretty much like I have to come home and she expects me to cuddle and go to bed with her, are the hardest, makes me feel like I have no time to wind down. Makes me a feel a little trapped to come home after work and think " I have two choices, go to bed now and lay in bed awake for 3 hours bored out of my mind, or don't go to bed and have my wife nag me, either tonight, or in the morning."
You've only been married 2 weeks. I understand your need for financial stability. I really do. But in my own situation we got married when I was a couple years out of University and got my first job. We had bought a house and she was still in school (working part time). Back then we still were all over each other for that whole year.
Why not spend time with her to fullfill that need and stay up a bit later to do the website? If she turns off the intimacy faucet you'll never get it back.
You sound a lot like us. I wanted us to go to bed together every night. Or at least most nights. We pretty much do, but we don't have the timing restrictions that you have as we are both 8-5ers for the most part.
He used to like to stay up late and only get like 5 hours of sleep per night. I used to always go to bed at 9pm and liked waking up early. He started making an effort to go to bed earlier and I started making an effort to stay up later. He even told me yesterday he wanted me to start making him go to bed earlier again because he likes going to bed early. Makes it much easier to wake up early and get the work day over with earlier. I don't know if we will maintain this the way it is now. I'm sure things will change even more over time. But for right now it is working. It just took us figuring out what will and what won't work for us both. I've also tried to chill out with the things I envisioned would be and try to focus on the good parts of being married instead of the unfulfilled expectations that were probably not practicable to begin with. That has helped with less tension at least.
Good luck with it. It's certainly a fixable issue to say the least. Just takes some patience and effort on everyone's part.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"Itís not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-21-2012 at 07:57 PM.
We both have actually read the 5 Love languages book, as well as several other books and couples DVD's. I come from a divorced family and her parents have fought her whole life so, developing good communications skills has always been a priority for us.
Her Primary is Quality time and Gifts of Adoration, mine are Acts of service and Words of affirmation lol. It does make it difficult sometimes.
Alright well, thanks for the input all, for now I'll just suck it up then :P