General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife just bottles everything up inside and keeps it forever. We were talking last night and she's still holding on to things that happened years ago. She lets things other people did affect her relationship with me. Things her parents did, things her grandparents did, this that situations dictated that no one could control, things past boyfriends did. I've come to the conclusion she has an absolute mare's nest in her head and just can't seem to let go. Holding onto it all is hurting her, making her angry and causing her a great deal of emotional pain. She knows this but doesn't know how to let anything go. Any ideas...?
My wife just bottles everything up inside and keeps it forever. We were talking last night and she's still holding on to things that happened years ago. She lets things other people did affect her relationship with me. Things her parents did, things her grandparents did, this that situations dictated that no one could control, things past boyfriends did. I've come to the conclusion she has an absolute mare's nest in her head and just can't seem to let go. Holding onto it all is hurting her, making her angry and causing her a great deal of emotional pain. She knows this but doesn't know how to let anything go. Any ideas...?
Relaxing hobbies that will make her happy and individual counseling... are the two best I can come up with right now. The hobbies can be VERY helpful.... especially if neither of you can afford to go to counseling.. and she could look up a few ways to help deal with her anger on her own until she gets that counseling. Oh.. meditation may help as well.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
From this post, and others, I think I'm married to your W's clone.
Sorry, man, nothing good to add here. This is really her problem to work out. You just need to keep getting stronger and refuse to drop down into that pit with her.
Talking about it. Every time you talk about something hurtful, it loses a little bit of power over you. Encourage her to discuss things with you. Big things may need to be discussed often over time. If she can't open up with you, then maybe an IC or a close friend. It really does help just to vent and get it out there. Discussing things also allows you to see things from a different view, as your experiences change how you view things over time. If you do become a sounding board for her, I caution you to just listen. Do not try to fix it. That can be a hard one, especially for guys. But listening is the greatest gift you can give to someone who needs their voice to be heard.
I used to think my wife held on to things and wouldn't let them go. Then, over time, I found that it wasn't so much holding on. It was recycling things from the past to justify whatever is happening at the moment.
Sort of an "on the fly" trump card to avoid responsibilty for the current situation.
Past transgressions can be overcome. Recycling is harder, because it is always evolving and changing it's mask.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
My wife just bottles everything up inside and keeps it forever. We were talking last night and she's still holding on to things that happened years ago. She lets things other people did affect her relationship with me. Things her parents did, things her grandparents did, this that situations dictated that no one could control, things past boyfriends did. I've come to the conclusion she has an absolute mare's nest in her head and just can't seem to let go. Holding onto it all is hurting her, making her angry and causing her a great deal of emotional pain. She knows this but doesn't know how to let anything go. Any ideas...?
I used to do this too... untill I realized my wife is not responsible for these things... I AM. Maybe put her in the same position to make her see what it feels like?
Maybe put her in the same position to make her see what it feels like?
Nuuuu DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! That could make it worse! Be it recycling or holding onto this anger.. I think her seeing a psychiatrist for it would be a better idea.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
My wife just bottles everything up inside and keeps it forever. We were talking last night and she's still holding on to things that happened years ago. She lets things other people did affect her relationship with me. Things her parents did, things her grandparents did, this that situations dictated that no one could control, things past boyfriends did. I've come to the conclusion she has an absolute mare's nest in her head and just can't seem to let go. Holding onto it all is hurting her, making her angry and causing her a great deal of emotional pain. She knows this but doesn't know how to let anything go. Any ideas...?
I feel you. Sounds just like my wife. The worst part is, mine will hang onto the smallest infraction I did from before we were married, (like a white lie to not hurt her feelings over something stupid and small) and bring it up nonstop in any disagreement, yet she will do the same or much worse (like lying about something we agreed not to do or do pertaining to kids) this week and then scream I cant get mad because that would be holding it over her yet, even though she JUST did it and will NEVER say she is sorry for anything.
I think God got her periods backwards and she gets happy only for a couple of days a month. lol
So I am waiting for replies with baited breath as well....
I used to think my wife held on to things and wouldn't let them go. Then, over time, I found that it wasn't so much holding on. It was recycling things from the past to justify whatever is happening at the moment.
Sort of an "on the fly" trump card to avoid responsibilty for the current situation.
Truth, and I get that all the time. Got a load of it this morning.
Me: I'm angry at you for what you did earlier today.
W: You're angry at me! Who do you think you are? 20 years ago, you did _________!
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Most of the stuff she's wound up about doesn't even have anything to do with me. Some of it does, and I own my mistakes (nothing like cheating or anything). But she's just so full of anger it's like concrete holding her down.
Talking about it. Every time you talk about something hurtful, it loses a little bit of power over you. Encourage her to discuss things with you. Big things may need to be discussed often over time. If she can't open up with you, then maybe an IC or a close friend. It really does help just to vent and get it out there. Discussing things also allows you to see things from a different view, as your experiences change how you view things over time. If you do become a sounding board for her, I caution you to just listen. Do not try to fix it. That can be a hard one, especially for guys. But listening is the greatest gift you can give to someone who needs their voice to be heard.
That sounds good but mine hasnt stopped talking about the same little issues for 5 yrs now and we have exhausted hours on hours on hours going over these same things. Its like she wants to be a victim and everyone "feel" her pain and say "oh poor you!!" when I honestkly think she needs someone like a mother to say "hey! Stop *****ing and complaining and put your big girl panties on!! Its called life!!"
Truth, and I get that all the time. Got a load of it this morning.
Me: I'm angry at you for what you did earlier today.
W: You're angry at me! Who do you think you are? 20 years ago, you did _________!
It will drive you nuts if you let it.
She does that occasionally, but that's not what I'm talking about. And really the last couple of times she pulled that I just told her to knock it off.
I used to think my wife held on to things and wouldn't let them go. Then, over time, I found that it wasn't so much holding on. It was recycling things from the past to justify whatever is happening at the moment.
Sort of an "on the fly" trump card to avoid responsibilty for the current situation.
Past transgressions can be overcome. Recycling is harder, because it is always evolving and changing it's mask.
Bingo!!! I think thats what my wife actually does!!! mmmmmm
35Likes
Wife Just Holds Onto So much Anger... 
Re: Wife Just Holds Onto So much Anger... 
