General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
gaia, yes it is definitely close to, if not over, the line for her SIL's to threaten her with turning their backs... I think there was positioning and if it had been my family and my W I probably would have stepped in the moment they said "learn your place". Perhaps he just recognized that Solaris was doing a fine job of definding herself... or maybe he would have let it go too far, we don't know there is grey area and we weren't there, which is why it is critical she talk to her H about this and make it clear she felt threatened and uncomfortable being alone... maybe he will take the hint, or maybe he sees it different and that there was no real threat. Communication is the issue here, not the actions of all those involved.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
I think it's a bit of both.. but yes they do need to sit down and talk, that's already been pointed out and agreed upon.
yep... I just didn't want Solaris to use this example as evidence her H won't ever defend her... Maybe he won't or else maybe he just didn't think there was a need. I suspect when he senses a real threat/danger his masculine/protective instincts would kick in.
I think what's happening is unacceptable, but I think Lon has a great point, too.
I'm the kind of person who will stand up for myself, and I wouldn't expect my husband to intervene. I wouldn't want him to, even, because if he did, I'd always be the outsider who wasn't fully accepted.
But on the other hand, a lot of people aren't as assertive as I am, and I would expect my life partner to back me up if I needed it. Lon's position is probably what Solaris' husband feels - that she can handle herself and if it gets really nasty, he'll intervene. The problem is that what he considers really nasty is far worse than what she considers it to be.
Solaris, you could tell your husband specific steps you'd like to see. I wouldn't recommend going to him in a judgmental or blameful way, but you could say, "If she insults me, I'd like to ask you to intervene and have you tell her to back off." Then, when SIL gets snarky, you can say, "DH, will you please explain to your sister why this isn't ok?"
Whether he defends you or not, she will escalate her behavior if you or he confronts her on it. He knows her well, and probably has good reason to ignore her behavior - he knows just how unpleasant she can be, and that the best way he knows to deal with it and maintain family relations is to ignore it. He is not wrong about that, but you're not wrong either.
Do you have an idea why she sees you as an outsider and doesn't want his family to accept you?
Talking and expressing her feelings on the matter could open up his eyes to the situation as well. Your right in the... he may not see a problem... so yes.. communication is very important here.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Kathy.. both my H and I are pretty assertive as well.. however.. my H let it get to the point where his mother and I actually got into a physical fight over the disrespecting.. whereas the one moment my elder brother started acting disrespectful toward my H I pulled him aside and told him then and there never to do it again. Told him I didn't appreciate him showing the man I love such disrespect and i would not tolerate it. After that my brother didn't do anything disrespectful again. When it comes to family.. it is that persons responsibility to tend to matters such as this.. not their spouses.. not imo anyway. Sure my H can stick up for himself.. but he should not have to as it was my responsibility to let my family know there are boundaries they just can not cross. So yeah.. setting her H down and expressing these feelings about the situation to him are a very good idea... and hopefully he gets the point and doesn't let it escalate.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
What part of Africa is your husband from, and what language does his family speak? Where do you live now, and how long have your husband and his family lived there? Has your husband ever expressed an interest in abandoning or rejecting his own culture? Sadly, none of what you described sounds that out of line with many world cultures. Is it possible that your husband asked his sister to explain his culture to you? That would explain his silence.
You don't have to give in and go along, and for your sake I hope you don't, but you may be way overdue for a crash course in your husband's (and, in his family's eyes, your child's) culture.
I am a firm believer that once a man marries he should stand up for/defend his wife if need be, regardless of culture. I also think women should defend themselves as well, because, there are some men who wont or don't know how, and we as women need to do it anyway. However, it would be nice to have a man who can stand up for her when need be. My guess is his afraid of his mother, Shes probably dominant. Regardless though, he needs to learn he is your husband, you are his wife, he married you and you married him and you both should have each others back at times.
I want to be a bit careful with details, but lets just say he comes from 'close to Nigeria', and he and his family have been in our present country (UK) for over 10 years. They all speak English as a first language.
I'm really not trying to test him in any way, and I really don't even want to 'win' over his sister. I don't want him to fall out with her or anything as I value the closeness he has in his own family (which I don't have in mine due to religious differences).
My problem is that in defending myself, the conversation did get increasingly heated, and I think it will do even more so in future. She is obviously/understandably not as close to me as he is to her, and I think in many ways he is actually in a better position to defuse the situation without it becoming all-out 'war' so-to-speak.
Also, I really just know that if I was sitting at a table and my brother or sister began talking to him the way she did to me, I would honestly ask them directly not to be so rude to my husband.
I don't know if that is just because I am not as close to my family, or if it is because I actually respect and care about him more than he does for me (this is what it feels like). He says he doesn't agree with the things she said to me, but his silence makes it seem like he does at the time!
Sorry, I should have added that I have talked to him. He does say that he thinks what she did was wrong, but he thinks it is better to just keep quiet and let her talk 'because it is only words'.
He thinks I should just be quiet when she does it as well, but I don't think I can do that. It hurts, its disrespectful, and it makes me angry! I don't think I should just sit there in silence like a child getting lectured??
I don't know, I start to wonder if I am in the wrong, but it just feels so bad to me.
You should let him know that.. even though it may "appear" to be .."only" words... it could get alot worse later if he doesn't put up some boundaries. Sitting in silence and expecting it to all go away.. rarely..... if ever.. solves anything.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Your sister in law isn't merely offering an opinion, she is threatening that you could be cut of the family if you have the temerity to disagree with anything she says.
The blending of cultures can be difficult, but the blending needs to come from both sides. Time to sit your H down and have a serious talk with him, OP.
Sorry, I should have added that I have talked to him. He does say that he thinks what she did was wrong, but he thinks it is better to just keep quiet and let her talk 'because it is only words'.
He thinks I should just be quiet when she does it as well, but I don't think I can do that. It hurts, its disrespectful, and it makes me angry! I don't think I should just sit there in silence like a child getting lectured??
I don't know, I start to wonder if I am in the wrong, but it just feels so bad to me.
Well he probably thinks it will just make it worse and you would just be escalating the situation instead of making an attempt to fix it. Maybe it says more about what your H thinks of his sisters than you think of him.
My recommendation is to respect your H's clear intent of not confronting his sisters and if you get lectured instead of sitting there and taking it, stand, say I will not be lectured like a child about my relationship with my H, then leave the room and remove yourself from the situation. Show the sisters that alienation will not work on you, and that they are only harming themlselves. Demonstrate that you have higher value than them and leave your H to deal with the mess his sisters are making.
I agree with Lon's last post. Rather stand up for yourself than expect your H to do so. No need to get into a heated argument with the SIL - just state your case (ie "I won't be lectured like a child") then politely remove yourself.
32Likes
Re: He won't defend me? 
