KathyBatesel

I think taking a stand and not taking a stand both can produce unwanted results. If I was in your shoes, I'd be searching out non-confrontational statements that could de-escalate her behavior and use them when she gets abusive.

"I'm sorry to hear you feel that way."
"We may have to agree to disagree."
"I hope you'll change your mind about that."
"You sound very hostile right now. I'd like to talk when you're feeling better."
"I hear what you're saying."
"I understand that you don't like me."
"You're entitled to your thoughts."
"You have that right, if that's what you want to do."
"I wish you the best."
"May you have the kind of day you deserve."

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Solaris

Gaia, thank you, I agree with you, I think it will only get worse.. and that is what I am afraid of.

Lon and Cosmos, thank you, I think you are right that I should just get up and leave. But I must admit I do feel hurt by this side of my husband, that he is happy to sit and watch me be attacked by his sister.

It just makes me feel very alone, like if I get hurt it is just my problem and he doesn't want anything to do with it... like it doesn't matter to him. I would not stand by and watch that happen to him.

I think its even really not about what I should do, or what he should do, but maybe it has revealed to me that his feelings are just not that deep toward me?

Solaris

Thank you also Kathy for your post (which I have just seen), and I will also think about.

I just wonder now if maybe its better it happened this way, as the sister may just be a sign to show me that my husband's feelings are not really there.

Lon

Don't hinge everything on this one situation. Just because he is not navigating this one well doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't deep or sincere. Realize that without this man you married you would still have to deal with situations like this, it is a daily part of being a human adult, use this as an opportunity to learn about your H more, what works and what doesn't. And I highly recommend not letting resentment set in or refuse to continue nurturing your marriage.

Cosmos

OP, it will be hurtful that your H sits and allows his sister to insult you. I find this rather unusual in an African culture (I lived in Africa for 28 years), because it's more the norm for women to defer to males. Is your H's sister a lot older than him? Has she perhaps taken on the role of mother in the family? Not that this excuses her bullying tactics.

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For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

Solaris

Cosmos she is not a lot older than him (but a lot older than me), but she has taken on the mother role yes (their parents are deceased).

She very much seems to think that age is a major factor, and I am by far the youngest.

trey69

IMO you both need to stand up for your marriage. You are married to him, he is married to you, not his sister or other family members, period.

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Gaia

With this... you two are partners and need to approach things like this as such, discuss it together and decide a course of action.. but definitely stick up for one another.

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"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~
Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~