Head Wrecked

I have been married to my wife for 7 years this past March. We seam to have had a strained relationship since day one. Partly do to our blended family values. She is Spanish with a fatherless daughter and I am American and we share 1 common daughter.

I have raised the step daughter as my own since she was 6. (now 13). I am the only one that helps her with homework, projects, sports etc. But she is getting older and more selfish. Mom refuses to discipline and I am not allowed without getting ganged up on by the 2. She is becoming very disrespectful to both of us. Mom just is completely blind to her tactics. Mom feels the need to continue to keep giving her more and more to make her happy. 10 fold that of our 5 year old common daughter.

The oldest is a master manipulate of her mother and uses it to cause tension in the house. Tension usually means a shopping spree with mom.

I love my wife with every bit of my heart but I am not handling the part where I need to be the full time dad to one and part time dad to the other. Only needing me when it is convenient for them.

I have tried to explain this to my wife but she instantly gets into defense mode for her daughter. I fear the worse if she continues to think there is no consequences in life.

I am not sure what I am looking for from this site other than maybe someone that has similar or common ground in this situation.

keko

Try attending(with your wife) parenting seminars/classes that teach effective ways to discipline your kids.

This is me

"The oldest is a master manipulate of her mother and uses it to cause tension in the house. Tension usually means a shopping spree with mom."

I am reading this as the crux of the whole issue. Shopping and Spending too much with Mom. The modern day problem.

Does she do anything to earn what she spends or does Mom just spoil her?

I think our society has made shopaholics acceptable, as if it is OK and justifies it because it is good for the economy. But then again, I am a frugel male.

Have you offered in a calm way to the Wife that there needs to be spending limits as a learning and earning education for the best interest of the daughter and her future?

__________________
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Don't Give Up! Patience.

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Head Wrecked

@ This is Me The oldest has the chore of doing supper dishes Monday - Friday. 2 of the 5 days she will not do them. She is suppose to take the dogs out at night. Most of the time she needs to be told to do so. She is suppose to clean the bathroom on Mondays for $5 a week. Half hour tops. She has not done that for 6 weeks.

Last week. Middle school graduation day. Wife wanted pictures and daughter was shoeing her away like she was embarrassed of her. My wife came home crying with me that night. 2 days later she got a new Victoria Secret bra, and a sleep over.

I am lost in the logic.

Head Wrecked

@ keko, My wife will discipline the youngest one and enforce it to the end. She just can not do it to the oldest. The oldest play to her emotions and she crumbles after that.

jh52

You are no different than any other parent/step parent trying to raise a 13 year old girl. Think back to your teens years -- funny thing is when we become parents we tend to forget how we acted back then

Good luck --- stay strong -- she will be out of the house in a few years with her own life.

Head Wrecked

@Jh52, That is the thing. She is going no where. Why leave the cash cow? Mom would never throw her out and I would never ask her to. She is becoming increasingly lazier and is getting more for it.

Paulination

The problem is your wife, not the 13 year old. She is only getting away with what she can get away with which is what we all did at her age.

I understand you have been there since 6 but you'll need to detach from the situation and just let your wife handle it, all of it including the homework. You will always have a disadvantage in this. You'll never get the full respect you feel you deserve because you are not "dad" but you will be looked at as having all of the responsibility because you are the head of the household (so to speak).

My wife went through the same thing with my son at about 15 (not quite the same since I was NOT like your wife). She finally got tired of it and no longer was willing to drive him to practices and things like that. If I couldn't take him, he had to find a way or didn't go. Consequences of treating her like sh!t.

Head Wrecked

@Paulination, Thank You. I was thinking on the same lines but it is very hard to separate your emotion from the situation.

I know the mom is promoting the attitude. Every time she tries to enforce the daughter turns it up a notch until she breaks.

The daughter knows she is helping destroy the family but but does not care. It is shear selfishness. She knows she is destroying her mom as well but again only cares for herself.