General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
If he does a, you do b. you can't control him, you can just explain which actions of his lead to what actions on your part.
So, for example, if he changes jobs, you will quit school and go to work. Or you will leave him. Or you will work AND go to school. Or you will look for a smaller place. Or you will live out of your car. Etc etc etc. Each of those actions on your part is a possible consequence of his action. Consequences can be positive or negative. Maybe if he takes this other job you will throw a party. Or give him oral sex. Or whatever.
So, if he does take this other job, what will your action(s) be?
To lamaga: This is precisely what I think! But he seems to be blinded by the perspective of this job. I might think of a million situations that I'd love to be in but I can't.
I just feel hurt that he's getting angry at me and it's really not my fault. I feel like a mother who's not allowing his son a treat because she know it will be bad for him but he still wants it and gets angry at his mom.
For me it's just not fair that he wants me to be hurrah-optimistic when it's simply not viable. And it's not my fault. These are the facts.
In situations like this I feel that he doesn't see how much I have done and am doing for him all the time. I can't consent to everything. And he shouldn't blame me for that.
to Hope1964: there are no actions on my part that I could do. It would "just" mean that we wouldn't be able to afford to live. That's it. And I think I'm setting the limit as low as it's possible: survival. Is it too much to ask for?
Trying,
Why can't you survive on x-30%? Is it the mortgage payment? Is it other bills? Do you have a budget drawn up that you can use as a talking point? As stated above, what consequences are you willing to dish out? Are you willing to divorce over this issue?
there are no actions on my part that I could do. It would "just" mean that we wouldn't be able to afford to live. That's it. And I think I'm setting the limit as low as it's possible: survival. Is it too much to ask for?
?? I truly don't understand how this can be. It honestly sounds to me that you just don't want to scale back the lifestyle. There are NO actions on your part you can do? How did you ever possibly survive before your H?
You can survive on a lot less than you seem to think possible, that is why I asked you for a ballpark, even if he is making $5 an hour, is no reason you can't survive, he'd just have to work more hours and you would have to work too, and what job even pays close to that low?? I suspect though that his job pays in line with his skills and I really don't see why you feel the way you do unless there are some massive debts you are carrying...
If you can't see this and he can, THAT is why he is angry that you won't give your consent. It's also why I suggested you each come up with a budget and give it a real close look to see if anything on it is unreasonable.
Married in VA: We couldn't survive on X-30% because it wouldn't simply cover the rent, bills, food and commuting. That-is-it. There are NO other expenses included (clothes, vacations, eating out, presents, etc.). When I say "survive" it means "survive". Not "having less". Just "survive". If it was just a pay cut I wouldn't be here. But it is a 50% pay cut which simply won't allow us to rent a tiny studio apartment. I'm not sure if it was even enough to rent a double room in a shared house.
And about consequences: no, the D word doesn't appear in my dictionary - at least not in cases such as this one. And I can't think of any other consequences as most probably not being able to afford a living would be THE consequence. So I'm more worried about that...
Does he have a track record of disappointing? Is he irresponsible, particularly with money? Has he been an unstable provider? If not then maybe have some faith in him... if you really doubt his ability to provide ask him to draw up a new budget with the new job and the new home and set of home expenses, and really look to see if it is possible.
May I ask, what ballpark level of income would he be earning? Do you have any income? How many kids do you have?
I don't know what to say to you, Trying, you seem to be unwilling to enforce any consequences.
So, do this. Put him in charge of all the finances. All of them. When he asks where dinner is, just look at him. When he asks where the rent is coming from, just look at him.
Of course, you may fry your credit in the process, but you have to do something to get across to this guy. I think you said something very telling -- you've taken over the mama role.
Nothing more unsexy than that. So give it up. You're not mama, and you won't fix things.
(Now, between you and me, you need to have a little nest egg all your own,because this is not going to go well. But you know that.)
once my hubs wanted to buy a car wash from his old employer... i had different reasons for not wanting him to buy it... it was a tense time for us, but he ended up not buying it. he was upset for a while with me but eventually got over it. yours will too. you really should look at your finances... i dont see how people have money problems... 2 years ago my hubs supported both of us while i was unemployed from a job at a gas station... with $1100/mo rent. im sure you can work something out... good luck! Posted via Mobile Device
Married in VA: We couldn't survive on X-30% because it wouldn't simply cover the rent, bills, food and commuting. That-is-it. There are NO other expenses included (clothes, vacations, eating out, presents, etc.). When I say "survive" it means "survive". Not "having less". Just "survive". If it was just a pay cut I wouldn't be here. But it is a 50% pay cut which simply won't allow us to rent a tiny studio apartment. I'm not sure if it was even enough to rent a double room in a shared house.
So he doesn't understand basic math? Why doesn't he think the smaller salary would be a problem? How does he propose to pay rent if his salary is so small? What does he say to the math?
What are the chances that this job will allow him to move into a higher paying position in a year or 6 month? If that were the case, would that make a difference?
Did you answer the question of how long you are still in school and how long have you been in school?
Do you have family/friends where this job will be?
Do you have family that could help subsidize if this was only a short term shortfall?
If you have been in school for awhile and doing coursework that would allow it, it might be worth it for you to cutback school and pickup parttime work for a bit. He might be feeling stressed that he is the sole breadwinner and feels stuck.
The problem is that so far I do depend on him and, believe me, I don't feel comfortable with it but so far I have no other option. As much as I'd like it to change.
I did talk to him today, calmly, told him exactly that ("i'd love for you to change that job but we might not make ends meet") and he got angry. Now I'm all stressed out because I don't want him to resent me or think that I'm holding him back - but what can I do about the facts? If you need X to survive and will have X-30% what else there is to say? It's not my fault that they don't pay more.
I'm just hopeless - how could I show him that it's not me "wanting or not wanting" but it's just the maths?
Help me, please, as I have no one to talk to about it...
My gut tells me he might resent being the sole support of the family. You have the luxury of working unpaid or low-paying internships while he shoulders the load. Moreover, he does not have the benefits of a SAHM - sort of the worst of both worlds.
I presume you are taking interships because you need the experience to get into a decent-paying job in your chosen field. How long have you been doing internships? How much longer until you finish internships and school and get into a regular job?
I suggest you sort all this out, develop a decent timetable, and then reapproach him a little differently. Instead of saying "I know you want to change but we cannot live on that", try saying "I need you to stick it out a bit longer, until XYZ time when I hit my stride, then you are free to do something that suits you better".
As a guy, I can tell you little makes me feel more unappreciated than being told "you support the family while I go do my thing". Make sure your words don't inadvertently communicate this to your husband. Have a discussion that contains a timeline meeting his needs rather than just "no" said nicely.
Thanks for all your replies. Really.
He's been the supporter for only a year. Before that for 3 years he was studying, during two of which I was working in a crappy job, where I was being verbally abused, because I needed to save up for my education. And where we were living (because of his school) there was no other job for me - recession time. He didn't have to do the same thing because his family paid for his education. My couldn't. So I don't think he feels the "load" since it's been going on just for a year.
I need to get experience and finish school because otherwise I won't get a job that could make a difference for us. But I guess that's everyone's problem. No experience - no job.
And as to the place we'd be moving - no, we haven't got a family there, but that's nothing new as I moved with him to another country so that he could study what he wanted. So the families were left far away a long time ago. And unfortunately they couldn't help us out - not anymore as they are covered in debts that they can't pay. But that's another issue.
I don't want to get into mama role but in that case I feel as I did. But it's the story of my life: being the "sensible" one. I get the feeling that once we have kids, I'll be the "bad cop". And I don't want to! But I can't turn a blind eye to a unreasonable/infeasible situation. I did it once, because he convinced me that was a great idea, and I'm the one who's still paying (metaphorically) for it...
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Re: Changing jobs - how to approach him? 
