Mr22101

I have been married for a several years now and we have 2 wonderful children but for the first time ever I am having thoughts of leaving my wife. What sparked this is the fact that she has taken me for granted for quite some time now. She is not affectionate anymore and I always have to initiate sex. I accept the fact that my role is the initiator but I get a less than stellar response every time I initiate.

We differ greatly on our opinions of sex and relationships. Basically she takes more of a mans approach and I take a woman's. She values a relationship more and uses sex to get the relationship started while I want to get to know a person and build a good relationship before we have sex.

I state the above because we had a discussion about our past. The short of it is I have had none and she has had some. What bothers me is not the fact that she has had a past so much as her approach to it. Instead of stating that she loved the other person, thus sex happened she basically states that she just had some casual sex to hopefully start a relationship. This goes against one of my most cherished beliefs that sex is the ultimate act of love you can do with another person.

In short I don't understand casual sex, combined with her less that enthusiastic approach to our sex life makes me want to move on to someone who shares my same beliefs. Unfortunately I feel trapped because of the kids and would absolutely leave her if they were not around.

Thanks for reading this.

Earthmother1970

Have you told her you feel taken for granted? What do you think she could do that would make you feel more appreciated?

Exactly how long have you been married? How old are your children? Is she a SAHM or does she work outside the home?

Have either of you considered counselling either on an individual or couple basis?

franklinfx

I dont have any advice, except to say, I can relate to your situation, and I know how frustrating it can be. Im sure im gonna get some flack from the ladies for this, but I think its so much harder to play the "needy" role when your a guy cause were supposed to be the strong ones. I truly believe women do not respond positively to men showing their emotion much, and I dont think many women really get turned on, by a guy who is even considerate of their needs, cause theyve been programed to think a "real man" is a jerk and a nice guys is a wuss. That is why you see so many women who hang all over guys, who dont seem to treat them very well, and crap on us who do. It would be easy, if I was the kind of guy who enjoyed taking advantage of women but Im one of those unfortunate dopes who actually enjoys doing nice things for my lady, but I honestly cant ever think of time, it actually did me a lick of good, but we are who we are, and unfortunately ,if your like me you know, in this world nice guys are SOL ! Sorry if I sound angry or self pitying, Im not. Im just telling it, the way I see it. I still love women, Im more dissapointed in myself if anything

TNgirl232

My guy can be an ass to the rest of the world, but he is awesome to me, hugs, kisses and cuddles all day long. Some of us appreciate you!

To the poster - did you know about her sex past before you got married? If so, and it was so opposite of your beliefs, are you just now wanting to leave her for that?

Mr22101

I have recently told her about my feelings and she has shown improvement. This is not the first time nor the 10th time that I have pinpointed an issue out to her with no results. Previous times were just fights this time I am threatening to leave so she is taking me more seriously. She does not like to confront issues and prefers to run away from them. I have outlined where she needs to improve and she gave me a few assignments as well.

We have been married for three years but dated for a long time. She is a SAHM.

Unfortunately my occupation does not lend itself to therapy.

TNgirl232

What do you mean by your occupation doesn't lend itself to therapy? I didn't know anyone's job could prevent them from getting counseling...

Mr22101

I knew that she had sex with other guys in the past but did not realize that it was not out of love. It was more of a I'm a woman, you are a man, lets screw and maybe we can get some sort of relationship going later. The guys took advantage of it, had sex with her, then left. It makes me angry because I could never do that to a woman.

reidqa

M,

Do not forget many women love men to use and leave, its a sexual excitement thing.

A commited realtionship can be boring.

Why do guys in the bar get lucky, because its the lack of the hunt.

marina72

I am assuming that the casual sex thing,,, is something she did when she was still single, so let it go. What she did , or did not do, before she met you, really has no bearing on anything, does it?

Further,,, if you were so turned off by her sexual nature ,the likes of which Millions of Men are exactly like this,,, then why on Earth did you marry her? Sounds to me like she can't measure up no matter what she does. Just giving you MHO

If the issue is that she's not that into sex, then stick to that. And like TN said,,, what occupation could you possibly have , that doesn't "lend" itself to therapy? To be frank, this sounds like a cop out to me...

If you expect Her to change, then how can't you see that you saying you can't "do" counseling... is no different than her supposed refusal to change?
You're not willing to go to therapy.. so why should she be willing to do anything to save this marriage either?

Sounds to me like this might be a tad one sided, and maybe you have fallen under the mistaken belief that your wife is there to meet your needs, and Only to meet your needs.

are you making sure her needs are met also? Is there any resentment on her part? Are you kind, loving, respectful, treat her as your equal?

Providing all the answers are yes.. then I have to harken back to , what even you pointed out... you Knew her personality when you married her. So why did you do it, and proceed to have kids, and now all of a sudden it is not okay with you? I dont' get that.

That was your fault, essentially. You had a choice, you made that choice, and now, you expect your wife to change, to suit you.

You say you can't handle the casual sex thing.. but if she's not having casual sex, then why are you even bringing that point up?

If you want a closer sexual relationship with your wife. I suggest you see a therapist. And try to connect with her on an emotional level. Really take an interest in her. Make dates for the two of you, write her a poem, candle light dinners.. etc...

You said she's not affectionate anymore. So, could you have done something to push her away?

Not saying you did, or didn't. Just that resentment, is often the number one sex killer for women. Not to say that other factors can't affect a woman's libido, such as lack of sleep, medical problems, depression, medications, menopause, you get the idea.

There could be any number of things that are stopping her from initiating. but, if you're bilittling her all the time about her views on sex, then perhaps she's sick of hearing it? I have no idea. I truly am trying to only help throw out ideas here.

I would just try to get her to open up. And, you said that she takes a mans approach, and you take a womans , in terms of how you view sex... I have to ask then, why did you marry a woman? If you are saying you think like a woman?

But seriously, I have a news flash for you, Not all women think of sex in the way that you do... and not all men think the way the stereotypical male thinks.... case in point , you're one of those men. So, can't she be one of those women? That thinks differently about sex? Perhaps it is unfair of you to expect your wife's views on sex, to change after this long. You should accept her like she is, and try to become closer, instead of criticizing her views and pushing her further away.
I am not saying you have even mentioned your dislike of her sexual viewpoint, but , I'm guessing by your post, that you likely have at some point expressed this to her. This might be why she's feeling inept at initiating sex with you. She might be second guessing herself, "well, if I don't initiate, he thinks I don't want him, and if I Do initiate, he thinks that I think casually about sex."

See? Maybe she feels like she can't win. There are a lot of maybes.. and the only way to get to the bottom of this, and reconnect, is to get some help in therapy. I suggest you find a way around the inability of your job lending itself to therapy, if you travel too much, then take some time to go, it's your marriage you're talking about.

I think you should at least try, you've got kids, and you took vows...

I hope you have some luck, take care....

Shoto1984

I think the point about counseling is valid. If you make the effort and she runs away from it or throw's up her defenses to prevent progress then at least you've tried. You owe it to yourself if not to the relationship. On the issue of past sexual behavior, it would be best to let it go. Its done, its not going to change and who she was and the choices she made then probably isnt the person she is now or the choices she would make now. Don't let it become a negative focus point that taints everything else.

The emotional closeness is the tough part. I share your frustration in this area. The heigthened experience of courtship is something very different then the experience of a mature marriage for many people. People have different expectations of marriage probably based on a lot of historical stuff ie parents or grandparents marriage, failed past relationships etc. I think many people either have very low expectations, are really just focused on themselves or are just lazy in relationships and take them for granted once the goal of being married is achieved. If a potential mate presents themselves in one way before the marriage and then becomes a dud afterward I would call that marriage fraud. The other side is maybe the person was somewhat of a dud all along and you being the man and having that "I can fix this" or "White Knight" saving the princes mindset got you into something that you should have run away from. (can you read a lot of my personal experience in this? lol)

Anyway, get her to go for counseling with you......maybe go by yourself if you cant get her to go. If that doesnt workout then you are faced with the big questions. Stay and be unhappy, stay and try and find some way to cope, leave to look for love but still be a father to your kids........no easy one's here.

BIGJ

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If you're going to do it(leave), then just do it. Dont **** around and play the infidelity game, or have a mistress on the side. Not fair for anyone, and ends up hurting the kids in the long run.

No disrespect in saying this(this is a general statement): Why get married, if you're unhappy? that makes no sense.

Shoto1984

I'm not sure the first part of your statement is correct. Many people choose to stay in relationships for the kids (at least until adulthood). If he can find some emotional outlet to make him feel human again (and be smart about it) it might be a viable option.

On your second point, men often marry with a feeling of rescuing a woman or that they can "fix" them. Is it smart, no, should you pay for it the rest of your life....I dont think so. Also, people often change once married. They get lazy in the relationship and one person gets left wonder where that person I married ran off to........and who the hell are you? Many people seem to look at marriage as a goal and, once accomplished, dont see the need to maintain it.

BIGJ

Thats very true...not wise, but true. Staying for that reason only is a bad move, as i said, it hurts far worse than anything else. The kids start to resent you, and wonder what they did wrong?

If this means: "finding someone OUTSIDE the marriage"? not good either. Get a divorce! Dont fracture whats already broken even more, you know? Sorry to sound so harsh, and i truely feel for this guy, but having someone "outside" the marriage only makes things worse.


Totally agree with you 1,000 % on this. infact, my ex gf should read this.

I dont think so either, and I apologize if i came across as saying as much. he should get a divorce though, as it's considered "cheating" if you dont, and decide to fool around w/someone else. Again, not fair.

You my friend, have just answered the million dollar question....excellent answer, and i agree 100 % with it. This is why there are so many f'd up marriages in this country.

Shoto1984

BigJ - I guess I'm coming at this from a different angle. I think some people decide that the marriage is over but maintain a family structure for the kids sake. The adults are basically roommates which is more of a mental shift then anything. Once you have made that shift then the hurt should be done (the dissappointment remains but that is something else) The kids benefit by having a stable home with two parents that love them. I think the kids have to be the focus here not the parents. You make an eighteen year committment when you have a child. It's not the childs fault that the parents aren't good together. That said, he'll ask her for affection and get nothing yet if he finds affection with someone else she'll say he's "cheating". Strange isnt it........ Given the situation with kids, and maybe financially, divorce is probably not the logical choice even if it is the emotional one. I think it's better to stay put and find a way to cope that keeps him feeling alive and preserves the environment of the kids.

MsLady

What you describe is feasable and doable. The difference between that and an affair is that in the 'roommate for the kids' situation you mention, BOTH partners are aware of their status and know that they are basically sharing a household for the sake of their kids but that they are each free sexually to explore with others. This is not the same as having an affair (no matter how discreet). An affair constitutes a betrayal no matter how much there is a de-facto "roommate" situation.

OP - I think that you are being very harsh and judgmental about your wife. You clearly feel that you are on a higher moral ground than she is and that might be one of the main problems in your relationship. Plenty of people, when they are single and young, explore their sexuality and engage in interactions that are about sexual pleasure between consenting adults, and not about love. That does not make them immoral, if both adults are consenting. Obviously, I can't convince you of that, but you should know that you are making an assumption of being right that is going to hinder any genuine conversation and understanding with your wife.

Also, I would take a guess that your different perceptions and views on sex (among whatever other issues) are interfering in your sexual activity with your wife. While loving, pure, gently, spiritual sex can be wonderful - it is but one form of expression of sexuality and sexual desire. Sometimes, though, people just want a good **** that's got nothing to do with love and everything to do with the body. If you happen to be in love, great, but that's irrelevant. Maybe your wife has become discontented with sex with you because it always has to be about this loving spiritual connection thing and she's craving other experiences that you are denying her. Maybe she's having trouble communicating with you about these topics because you just make her feel like she's somhow depraved. Just a thought.

I agree with others that if you are making excuses not to go to counseling, you are as guilty as she about not really putting in the effort necessary to make the marriage work.