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porn addiction, child porn, emotional affair, cyber stalking, escorts, drugs, etc..

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#1 ·
I'm a SAHM to two children (one boy, one girl) under the age of 4.
My husband of 4 years has always been an amazing father (plays with the kids, reads to them every night, etc..) and a great roommate (helps clean up on the weekends, makes dinner at least once a week, etc..) and a wonderful provider (no savings but no debt, and he always paid the bills; he spent more on himself and our son than he allowed me to spend on myself or our daughter but we had enough)....but as a spouse he's been increasingly emotionally absent, distant, and disinterested.

Last year I found out he had been lying to me about his age. He was actually 5 years older than he told me he was. That was my big wake up call. After finding out that I had blindly believed such an obvious lie (in three years of marriage, all I had to do was check his drivers license and I never did...I just believed him, I was so naive), I began noticing alot of holes in his stories. Within 4 months of finding out about his real age, I realized that he is a compulsive liar. He lies about anything and everything. What he ate for lunch. Conversations he had on his smoke breaks at work. Where he bought something. Stupid things that I wouldn't even bother asking about, he'd come up to me and offer me a lie for seemingly no reason.
I started checking internet history and snooping in his Facebook account whenever he left it open. I found that he had developed an emotional affair with a female co-worker whom he told me he hated. She had no idea that he felt that way towards her, despite her mild flirtations, the feelings seemed to be one-sided as he did stalk her on Facebook without her knowledge. I also found that he had been looking at local escort pages (though he never seems to have used one in real life, I think it was only a matter of time). And that he had been watching alot of porn, many times just moments after rejecting my advances.

I dragged him to marriage counseling but of course that didn't help. He swore up and down that he did nothing wrong and I was just crazy.
Around this time he became violent. Never hit me nor the children but he punched a hole through our bedroom door and broke the baby gate at the top of our stairs and in general just started screaming all the time with seemingly very little to trigger him.

The final straw was when I found he had been downloading child porn. Mostly females aged 10-15 years old.
At first I tried to let him explain it away. A virus. Hackers. I wanted to believe him. He's such a wonderful father, I didn't want to worry about our daughter's safety with him. But I eventually came to my senses.
I called the cops and my husband was arrested.

When the cops came to search our house and seize evidence, they found drugs.
Shortly after my husband was released on bail I demanded access to our joint bank account (in the past he always insisted that I didn't need to know the password to view our online bank statements). I went through the last 6 months of bank statements and I found he made more money than he told me he did. In six months he had spent nearly $5,000 on Facebook games, drugs, porn websites, and his collection of toy figurines.

At first I was dead set on divorce but then I decided to stay...don't ask me why I'm staying, I have no clue.

He's done everything I've asked to try and make things up to me.
In the last 3 months:
- I've taken over our family's finances and started putting emergency money aside in my name only (he is aware of and supports this).
- We've gone back to marriage counseling with a mutual desire to work on us.
- He's started individual counseling.
- He's come clean to this female co-worker about Facebook stalking and masturbating to her photos, then cut all contact with her.
- He's stopped watching all porn. (3 months clean, but that sucess is probably due to lack of access. The cops took his computers and I monitor his access to mine.)
- He's stopped doing drugs. (again, lack of access since I now write the monthly budget and monitor how he spends his extra cash)

There is an on-going police investigation and he is looking at possible jail time. Def loosing his job, just don't know when. And when he looses his job, we will have to move. (We currently live overseas for his career.)

I've done alot of reading.
I've found information on regressed pedophiles and how they actually prefer adults but in times of stress will regress back to an age range that they were traumatized during, and the attraction to children of that age is merely an extension of their regression.
I've found information on how some porn addicts will watch a certain type of porn which they would never act out in real life. Like straight men who become obsessed with gay porn.

I've started looking into how I can protect my own children. Obviously teaching any child about boundaries is a good idea but also, for my children, never leaving them alone with their father.
I'm considering wiring our house with nanny-cams and putting a key logger onto my computer. Just grasping at straws trying to figure out the best way to make sure my daughter isn't raped by her father the way I was raped by mine.

I've been an off-and-on lurker on your boards for about 9 months. I think at one point I created a point I created a profile but I don't remember anymore.
 
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#2 ·
The lying, the yelling, the EA and the adult porn are all issues that could possibly be resolved.

The child porn?!
Take your kids and run, lady. You didn't state how old your kids are, but think about what could happen when your daughter reaches 10 years of age if she hasn't already...

These animals do not rehabilitate. Nearly all will resort back to child porn unless they are in forced isolation.
 
#3 ·
You need to focus on protecting your kids. The only way you can do that is getting your daughter away from him.

I'm sorry, but you are trying to justify his interest in child porn by talking about regression and such. It's just excuses. Protect your daughter. You're the adult. She needs you to ensure her safety.
 
#4 ·
At first I was dead set on divorce but then I decided to stay...don't ask me why I'm staying, I have no clue.
I'm sorry you're going through this...one of the worst things I've ever read on the net.

You need to start making plans to exit. Why are you staying? Is it because you think so little of yourself that you can't be without this POS? I know it's easier for me to say b/c I'm not a SAHM, but if I found out these things about my wife, the kids and I would be in a hotel that night.
 
#6 ·
First off I am really really sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine basically finding out that my husband is a 'stranger' to me.

You have to leave him though. I don't agree with the whole pedophiles just regressing and prefer adults stuff. To look at a child in a sexual way is disgusting and even more so when you have children of your own.

Is this really how you want to live your life? With nanny cams and key loggers to make sure your husband is not raping your daughter? Is it really fair to your daughter (or son) to stay when that is a valid worry? Especially since you have gone through it yourself?
 
#7 ·
What could you possibly be staying for? How do you know what has been a lie?

You've changed your life from being a wife to being a babysitter. You will be watching him the rest of your life.

Take your kids and RUN! Your responsibility is to your kids. If they are abused ONE TIME you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will ruin their lives. Whatever sadness or pain you have from leaving him, will be infinitesimally smaller compared to your children being sexually abused.

This is a question of when not if and you know it. WHEN they get stressed they revert. You are in the room with a time bomb saying you're watching the timer so it won't blow up on you. GET OUT OF THE EFFING ROOM!!!!!
 
#8 ·
I make no apologies for this statement, if you DON'T leave him now & if he sexually abuses your children, you will be just as culpable as him in the abuse BECAUSE you knew about his child porn use.
Imagine looking into the face of your children & explaining to them that mommy was sorry but she just couldn't leave the man who hurt them.
Your research into the porn & child porn was your way of looking for a reason to excuse your choice to stay with him.
You can't shame pedophilles into stopping the child porn, they're pedophilles, their issues go much deeper than just saying "no" to using a computer!
Pedophilles are opportunists, just when you think you can let your guard down is when he will strike.
You know this in your heart it's just a matter of when.
Get yourself some intensive sexual abuse survivor therapy, this entire situation is just too sad.
 
#9 ·
Ok, Im going to give you some things to think about. You may not like what you are going to hear.

Your husband is a pedophile. Regardless of what you've read, he is a sexual deviant and can not be fixed! He is a broken machine that will never work properly. He has a sexual attraction to children. Im glad you have tried to educate yourself to try and understand why. From all of the studies, knowledge, interviews, case studies, etc... You have decided to only remember things that keep you in denial. I think he is beyond a pathological liar and quite possibly a sociopath. The man you have known all these years is a facade. I would be very suprised if he has not already sexually abused your children. There is a strong possibility he has taken photos of your children and used them for trade with other pedophiles. Get out of denial and move as far away as you can. He can not be helped. You are the mother of those children. It is your duty to protect them. You know what he is, remove your children. If I were a judge and you were considering keeping those children around him, I would sever your rights as their parent. Im sorry you are going through this but you cant fix this. If you choose to stay around him thats your choice, your children have to come first.
 
#11 ·
I'm sorry but if you are looking for sympathy you wont find it from me. It amazes me the people who know what they should or need to do but just don't.

If this is even a real post and not a troll, one that almost seems scripted. Anyway, I have not sympathy for you, your kids maybe, because they can't help the position their mother has kept them in, or defend them selves. If you're looking for attention or to be the victim I'm sure there are people who will be happy to keep you cast in that role.

This is no longer about your husband and his issues and what he done/doing, this is about YOU and why you stay. I'm sure you have 100 validations why, so good luck to ya!
 
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#12 ·
Most of the things you mentioned you said your husband has stopped ALL of it. NEWSFLASH! Your husband is sick. Most people who have done the things he has, and to the extent he has, don't just all of a sudden stop. Not someone sick like that.

If you are in counseling have you addressed the issue on WHY you stay? What have they told you they think it is. You said yourself you didn't know why. I think you probably do though.
 
#13 ·
"I've started looking into how I can protect my own children."

Lady if you really wanted to protect your children you wouldn't still be with the man!

You also stated how you wouldn't leave them alone with their father and you thought about wiring the house with cams! Are you serious? WOW what a life you will lead! NONE of this makes sense, zero!

You are staying with a pedophile, keeping your kids under lock and key pretty much away from their father with cams in the house! Thats your protection? Its almost like you are keeping your own pedophile under lock and key with the cams etc, as a way to try and control the situation. Is this why you wont leave? You wont to control it.

What kind of marriage/life will you have if you stay? You will need to be on guard 24 hrs a day pretty much, with the cams and all, and making sure your kids are not alone with him. How do you know he hasn't already done something to them before you found out about all of this?

Are you there for money? If so, your financial security must outweigh protection for your kids and you leaving a pedo.

Were you abused as a child? Low self worth?

Sorry, but your logic on this whole issue doesn't make sense it will likely not work.
 
#14 ·
You need to be a responsible parent and get them and yourself away from this guy ASAP. I can't sugarcoat that, and if you stay with him and anything happens to your children, YOU will be 100% to blame for it.

If I knew where you were I might call CPS, actually. Just think about that and how serious it must be for a complete stranger to say something that weird and stalkerish just to protect your child(ren).
 
#16 ·
I've done alot of reading.
I've found information on regressed pedophiles and how they actually prefer adults but in times of stress will regress back to an age range that they were traumatized during, and the attraction to children of that age is merely an extension of their regression.
I've found information on how some porn addicts will watch a certain type of porn which they would never act out in real life. Like straight men who become obsessed with gay porn.

I've started looking into how I can protect my own children. Obviously teaching any child about boundaries is a good idea but also, for my children, never leaving them alone with their father.
I'm considering wiring our house with nanny-cams and putting a key logger onto my computer. Just grasping at straws trying to figure out the best way to make sure my daughter isn't raped by her father the way I was raped by mine.

I've been an off-and-on lurker on your boards for about 9 months. I think at one point I created a point I created a profile but I don't remember anymore.
Have you ever done individual counseling (IC) to work out your own incest issues? It sounds like you're playing out a familiar script here....you were sexually abused by your father and now it seems somewhat comfortable and familiar to keep living in that sort of dynamic? If you haven't resolved your old issues, you're just going to keep repeating them. Unfortunately, that means that you're basically grooming your daughter to become a victim herself. If her own mother doesn't love her enough to protect her, how will she ever love herself enough to set appropriate boundaries and protect herself?

And how is it that he's still living in your house. I used to work with CPS and there was no way in hell that a person arrested for child porn would be allowed out on bond to return to a house with children in it....that's usually the first bond condition for sex offenders!
 
#17 ·
I went back read the whole thing again, it just sounds kinda weird to me. Especially since he was arrested for child porn, I mean I would think he would still be in jail until his court date.

She states she doesn't want her child to be raped by her father like she was by hers, well if thats the case, wouldn't logic say, you would do whatever you could to make sure that didn't happen by not staying with the very man who is a pedophile! If you stay you ARE putting your child in harms way.
 
#18 ·
She also says they don't live in the states. So it might not be as strict where they are, right now. If they are forced to move back, more than likely after jail time, etc, they will have to adhere to laws of the state they move to, which may include not living with one's own children.

But for this woman, while I would certainly be concerned for the safety of my own children, I would also be extremely concerned for the safety of her friends when she is older. And unless her H has a total transformation of who he is and what he has done and many many many hours of sex offender treatment, he will offend again.
 
#21 ·
In answers to your questions:

- I did 9 years of individual counseling for my past abuse before I met my husband.

- Child Protective Services were already called. I explained to our case worker that I had no intention of leaving my husband as I do not believe in divorce. We talked about plans for the future and my basic parenting style. Our case worker then wrote a glowing report in which she stated that I was a doting mother and that I showed strong protective instincts towards my children.

- The country where we currently live has a law that they can only hold a person for 24 hours before either releasing them or charging them. My husband was arrested on suspicion of child porn, held for 12 hours then released on bond. His bond condition stated that he must not live in our home and must not leave the country until either charges are dropped or he is charged.
Because my husband is an American citizen, working for the US government, living abroad, the jurisdiction was tricky. The initial arrest was done by the local police, but then the Americans asked for the case and now the Americans (OSI) are the ones investigating the case.
After the Americans took over the case, they allowed my husband to move back into our home, after first talking to me about who to call if I notice any further dangerous behaviors.

- I am quite certain that my husband has not done anything inappropriate with our children.
They are not even any where near the age range he was attracted to. They've never shown any signs of being abused in any manner (I know the red flags). And because my children are so young, they still have most of their needs met by me, and therefore have not spent alot of time alone with their father even before I found out his secret shame.

I understand that this is a sensitive topic and I of all people know how dangerous my husband's actions are. If I condoned his behavior then I never would have had him arrested in the first place.
It is estimated that 50-60% of pedophiles are married with children. Most of the personal stories I have read involved couples who divorced shortly after finding out the truth. I have however read about a dozen stories of women who've accepted their husbands back into the family after jail time was served and, with the proper support, they went on to be productive members of the family, who did not harm their children.

I can see that I've made a mistake and that this is not the appropriate place for me to reach out for any sort of marital support. Thank you all for your time and your thoughts but I don't believe I'll be posting anything further.
 
#22 ·
If ANYTHING happens to your children & you chose to stay with this man it ia all on you head. How DARE you allow a potential child PREDATOR live in the same house as you kids???? I am astounded you have not left him , much less not done much worse. If I found out my husband had child porn I would probably be in jail for life if he wasnt sent there first.
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#23 ·
May I ask what your original reason was coming here? Looking for support and validation to stay? To just share your story of what your husband has done, how he is changed stopped all of what he was doing and how you plan on staying regardless? I think we are all just trying to understand you thinking around the whole issue. I also see that because your story wasn't validated you feel its best to not post anything further, well thats your right I suppose.
 
#31 ·
I agree! :iagree:

I'm not real sure what the point was either. I didn't see any questions asked by her, if so or she was asking how to leave, or what she should do, then it might make more sense. But its not like that. Its story, of what he did, and how she plans on staying no matter what.
 
#27 ·
You believe he hasn't touched your kids and that he wont...well you also believed he was the age he says he was too....IMO you are as sick as the troubled man in which you continue to stay with...you have made excuses for him and for why you stay..you seem to still be in victim mode..if you had the amount of counseling you say you had..you would know that its best to NOT continue to put your kids in harms way...he had you snowballed once, and will have you snowballed again...

The more I think about it, the more I think this is a made up post...I truly believe if your husband had been looking at child porn he wouldn't have been released back into your home or around your kids..I don't think CPS would allow it either...just my thoughts.
 
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#29 ·
A man who lies about the simplest things, who doesn't take your feelings into consideration, AND looks at porn of young children does NOT make him a good father no matter how you slice it. I'm sorry to say and I may be out of line, but anyone who downloads kiddie porn is a monster. Punching walls and behaving like a raving baby means you hit a major nerve and he will do anything to distract you.

Perhaps you stay with him because of your children. Perhaps you should leave him because of your children. Compulsive liars are hard to figure out and rarely change. They also have a tendency to actually BELIEVE their own lies as the truth, hence, his blowing up when you call him out.

One more thing I would like to point out. If this man is indeed attracted to very young children, are your children safe from him? If he lies about what he had for lunch and how old he is, imagine the whoppers he's told you that you believe! I applaud you for trying to make it work, but you know deep in your heart that you must get away from this man. The "stand by your man" bullsh!t doesn't apply here. I know it is hard and very scary. Raising children as a single mother is one of the toughest jobs on Earth. Being married to a liar, druggie, kiddie porn watcher AND trying to raise your children is going to make it that much harder.

Now that you are onto him, you are not going to believe a word he says. My sister is a pathological liar and if she tells you the time, you better check your watch. Pretty soon you won't know what is truth and what is lies. You are going to question everything. He has already lost your trust which is a major part of a happy marriage.

Dig deep, examine your feelings. I think you already know what you have to do. You coming here and venting is a great start for you are going to need all the help you can get. Speak to a lawyer, see what your options are. I don't mean to frighten you, but you must take care of yourself and your children. In the end, you will do what is right it's just that you are facing a huge wall you need to climb and right now, you can't even see the top of the wall. It seems impossible. Why does life have to be so damned hard, right?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep coming back here to TAM and vent until you are exhausted. Get the poison off your chest, get some perspective, and keep your eyes and ears open with your husband. Watch your children like a hawk, this man is not father of the year, he is the enemy and you must protect your children. You were duped and married a man that doesn't exist. That should grounds for divorce right there. You will get there eventually, I have no doubt. You have A LOT to think about.

Good luck and keep us posted!
 
#32 ·
Cherry- thank you. I will try the forum you recommended.

All of the blogs I've found are outdated- last posted in 2009/08.
I've found news articles and various other sources of stories but no way of contacting women who've been where I am right now.
Even healingwives.com, which has been an excellent resource, doesn't have a forum.

I know they exist. If 50-60% of pedophiles are married then there must be other wives out there somewhere.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone. I am looking for anyone who might understand what I am going through.

Thank you all again for your efforts in responding. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
 
#33 · (Edited)
Just a note, you must register and be a member of prisontalk to even see that particular sub forum.

I'll be honest, my H has a stat rape conviction against him from 1999. It continued to affect his life, our lives, etc... up until 2010. It was a difficult road to travel, living restrictions, not knowing if he would be able to live in the same house as his own children when they were born, etc, being the red dot on the map of our neighborhood... No one cares what the charge is, no one bothers to look, they just see sex offender. Such is life and we made it through and he no longer has to register by law. It was a 10 year registration.

You should be able to get some much needed support over at that forum.
 
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