General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
He has apparently tried to approach his wife for sex, tried to talk about sex with his wife, and she won't respond.
Given that she is completely refusing to acknowledge his needs and is putting in next to no effort on his behalf, what do you think would be a fair response on his part to this neglect?
Does it sound as if he is completly meeting her needs? She is human and has needs, why is his need for sex more important than her needs. They are not and it appears that he is getting what he gives. Isn't that how relationships work? She could probably have walked out on him but she seems more mature. Her having sex with him will not solve their problems. It will give him a chance to ignore them.
She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets.
She is not important enough to him to meet her needs. Why does she needs to do something he cannot manage to do?
OP I don't know if you will decide to work on the relationship but if you do, please seek the help of a MC. You are both responsible for the break in communication and if one or both of you cannot take ownership of your part, then prepare for the separation and divorce. Posted via Mobile Device
She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets.
This is perhaps very true, but he is not here, and this does not seem likely to happen on its own.
She would get further if she talked about the lack of sex, her role in it, and what she would need from him so that the thought of sex would not "turn her stomach". She is here, so I approach from that angle... if it was him posting, my post would read a lot more like yours.
I agree that sex is important, but not more so important than her needs.
OP, it IS true that you need to try and find happiness within yourself......he's not responsible for your happiness. But having said that, if he is contributing to your UNhappiness and has no desire to work on changing that, you need to think of yourself and do what you need to do.
I think counseling is definitely in order, but both marriage and individual counseling for yourself as well. Good luck!
I agree that sex is important, but not more so important than her needs.
To him, sex is as important as her highest need. Sex is a complete non-starter for the OP. It would similarly make sense that her needs are a complete non-starter for him.
Someone's got to break the cycle. Let's hope the OP can do it, since she's the only one here.
What am I spose to do put out just to keep him content? The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. its just to get him off and very rarely myself. just being honest. ?????
I hope that you come back here as there are questions that really do need to be cleared up before we can really get the entire picture and support you.
The above quote brings a lot of questions to mind.
You say that sex is to just get him off. That you very rarely get off, or enjoy it.
Why is this? Do the two of you engage in foreplay? Does your husband try to turn you on? Things like foreplay, oral, etc? And then you don’t respond?
Or does he just expect you to service him while has sex and gets off? If he’s only having sex for his own release and does not really include you in this… when did this start to happen in your relationship?
Well, here I go with my usual protest to people always telling women - in whatever words and ways they so choose - to "just do it." It's ridiculous, equally as inconsiderate as her husband is, and is not awfully knowledgeable or imaginative advice either. Plus, it doesn't work except in a very few cases. I expect Aristotle will be along sooner or later to testify how well it does work. The difference with Aristotle's situation though is that he and his wife made a spoken agreement that if she gives him more sex, then he will spend time and attention with her. It worked out well and made him WANT to maintain his part of the deal, but not everyone makes that deal.
FAE (short for your very long name), if you want to make a bargain like that with your husband, then I suggest you try it. It will certainly do one of two things - either prove evermore that he's a jerk, or it will get you the attention, affection, and consideration you need and you'll both be happy. It's worth a try with the chance of a 50/50 outcome in your favor of improving the marriage because "suck it up" and "just do it" will only make you more resentful and has a higher failure rate. Making the deal means you are both aware of each other's expectations and are in mutual agreement to work on improving the marital relationship.
Just to clarify something for you, you are not withholding on your husband. Again, that was just another inconsiderate response. Withholding is a willful act done intentionally and usually with a purpose, such as with the intent to control someone, get back at someone, anger someone, send someone a message, etc. You are not having sex but it is without ulterior motive. You don't want him. He has killed your libido. You are disguted by the thought of him touching you. Those are ALWAYS reasons for women not to want sex, and they are ALWAYS perfectly good reasons. Please pay no mind to these people telling you to "just do it." They don't know anything else to say it seems to me. Don't let them, your husband, or anyone else make you feel like your feelings are not important. So what that sex is an important part of marriage. Your needs, how he treats you, and how he makes you feel are equally important. Obviously, it goes without saying if he treated you well and made you feel loved, you wouldn't be here.
Something I noticed (or feel strongly about) is there are a lot of guys on these boards who don't get sex or don't get as much sex as they want. They live vicariously through other men by telling wives like yourself how important sex is to your husband, so you should forget about how you feel and dismiss him making you feel that way to "just do it." Those who do get sex still root for the next guy to make sure other men get the sex they want, so they tell the wives that too. There's a mirror chemical (forget what it's called) in our brains that makes people have the feelings of others. For example, you can see something awful happen to another person and have the feeling that it happened to you. An accident can make you jump at impact, even if it's in a movie. Or, you go "ooh yuck" and cringe to see someone do something disgusting. Well, I'm sure you also noticed how men jump, genuflect, and grab themselves to see another man get kicked in the groin. Movies can be torturous LOL, but you get my point that the guys want to impress upon these wives how important sex is to men. As a result, "just do it" is also preached by some of the women on the boards - women who hear the guys loud and clear but are not in your shoes. I apologize that what you expressed was clearly the result of his actions and him killing your libido, yet most of your respondents jumped down your throat, accused you, and blamed you. It always happens that way to twist around what the woman wrote and make it all her fault. Not only did they make it all your fault but also dumped all the obligation to fix it on your shoulders. What you're saying is you want a relationship with your husband and despite your efforts to get him to engage in his family, all he wants is sex. I just want you to know I heard you.
I don't know if there is a solution to the problem, but there are a few things you can try. One is to make the deal like Aristotle and his wife did (he's a member here btw and not a reference to the ancient Greek philosopher LOL). It is similar to what marriage counseling would do. Not specifically that deal per say, but a counselor will have you both making an effort to actively work on the marriage. If this suggestion makes you feel you are selling yourself to him or bribing him with sex, I don't blame you because I feel that way too. But, it still might be something you decide to try. It's up to you, and I would also understand if you feel like it's another "just do it" suggestion. It is a suggestion, however, that will either get you want you need also or be able to determine your husband is not willing and prefers to continue being selfish and inconsiderate.
Another suggestion is to sit him down and talk with him like you did here. It is very possible he has no idea how he makes you feel and has no idea his actions have that kind of affect on you. There were reasons you fell in love with him and married him. He forgot about all those, and that also is very common. Ever hear the words to the song "The same thing it took to get your baby, it's gonna take the same thing to keep her." Most people - men and women - get comfortable and begin taking each other for granted. That is what has happened with you and your husband.
Yet another suggestion is to demand he attend MC with you. No, you cannot make him go, but you can make him understand that the marriage depends on it. I'm not saying you should threaten him. I'm saying you have to stand up for yourself, take control of your life, and be willing to do whatever that takes. You can't go through life allowing life to happen. Obviously, some things are not at all within your control, but this one certainly is so long as you take control. That means, you have to be willing to leave/end the marriage if he has no desire to work toward improving the marriage. Afterall, he showed you the utmost disrespect by leaving, plus he had already told you in so many words (by refusing to attend counseling) that he does not want to change. Your choices are to continue being his doormat or take your power back from him because you have given him way too much of your power. So, you can grovel and "just do it" or you can demand respect by not tolerating his disrespect.
Does it sound as if he is completly meeting her needs? She is human and has needs, why is his need for sex more important than her needs. They are not and it appears that he is getting what he gives. Isn't that how relationships work? She could probably have walked out on him but she seems more mature. Her having sex with him will not solve their problems. It will give him a chance to ignore them.
She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets.
She is not important enough to him to meet her needs. Why does she needs to do something he cannot manage to do?
OP I don't know if you will decide to work on the relationship but if you do, please seek the help of a MC. You are both responsible for the break in communication and if one or both of you cannot take ownership of your part, then prepare for the separation and divorce. Posted via Mobile Device
__________________ "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.
I realize with women sex is emotional, but also too often Im reading where women basically are witholding sex from their husbands cuz their husbands arent "behaving like husbands, fathers, etc"
If ya want your spouse to cheat and justify himself doing so, using sex as a weapon shouldnt be in the arsenol..its part of what keeps couples spiritually connected. BOTH sides are OBLIGATED to have sex within reasonable times
Not acting like a husband? Then do something else but keep the legs open ladies
Try:
Witholding his meals...tell him to fend for himself
Not doing his laundry...
Sure hes gonna be miffed...but as far as I am concerned, grin and bear it when sex is asked for and use other resources.
And if its truly a libido thing, then see a doctor cuz your husband shouldnt have to pay this price...I really hate when I read women using sex as carrot/stick reward...ever wanna move me to cheat just try that nonsense.
Libido? Then expalin it to him and for me, I would be like, honey make the appointment, let me know and I will take the day off work to be with you.
Really? Where did you drag out that notion? . Women don't have sex so their husbands don't cheat. I thought marital sex was supposed to be mutuall satisfying expression of love? Sounds like it is more of a service wives provide to keep the husband from straying. Besides, It seems woman are doing what men are doing, cheating.
Why do you think woman cheat and would you give men the same advice? I doubt it. Many men refuse to acknowledge that their wives are as likely to cheat on them when they don't meet her needs. If they did this kind of advice would not be uttered.
It seems as many woman are taking it as permission to cheat as men. Kind of reckless to hold on to this attitude. Funny, i never hear the following advice to men - meet her needs for communication and affections even if she is not meeting your needs for sex or she will cheat. what's good for him is good for her.
I can only assume that it is a holdover from a generation or two ago - a mans sexual needs are the most important in a relationship and women's needs are relatively unimportant. From the increasing prevalence of sex starved marriages it is no longer true. Seems to take a bit of time for reality to catch up with rhetoric. .
A more realistic and workable approach given the current reality is that both parties need to meet each others needs in the way they feel love or they may suffer consequences. Sex is not the most important need in the relationship.
BTW the sex is a weapon is another much repeated platitude. The men who think this also think that no matter how bad of a partner he is, he is entitled to sex. Why do you think that? It is apparently not supported by real life. Posted via Mobile Device
This is perhaps very true, but he is not here, and this does not seem likely to happen on its own.
She would get further if she talked about the lack of sex, her role in it, and what she would need from him so that the thought of sex would not "turn her stomach". She is here, so I approach from that angle... if it was him posting, my post would read a lot more like yours.
I agree. The person posting is open to advice that's why they come here. And you are right it would be far more helpful to the state of relationships between men and women to make helpful suggestions to the person who is most open.. that is if the aim is to help.
A rehashing of old feuds helps no one. You advice is spot on.
It is hard not to counter some of the advice that annoys me but it is not about me so carry on good peoples. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, here I go with my usual protest to people always telling women - in whatever words and ways they so choose - to "just do it." It's ridiculous, equally as inconsiderate as her husband is, and is not awfully knowledgeable or imaginative advice either.
FWIW, I don't think a woman should ever "just do it" either.
I just don't see how a person can a) not want sex, b) be unwilling to take ownership of their lack of desire, and c) expect to be happily married to another sexual person.
I'd be willing to bet, if there were any good will left between them, that even a blueprint that delivers a ray of hope would be enough for him sexually at this point.
Tell him that your libido is struggling due to lack of non-sexual time together and recommend walks to help your sex life, for example. See what happens. This isn't just spreading legs and letting him have his obligatory fun - this is working toward a common goal.
If he goes on some walks, and shows you some good faith stuff, do the same for him. Baby steps. Grow together. Enjoy the journey. To me, this sounds so much more profound than just expecting her to "just do it" or him to run through hoops on the off chance her libido changes.
OP might find that H is so far gone that it doesn't work, or perhaps she is so far gone that she can't bear the effort - and if either is true, it's better to find that out now rather than 10 years from now, yes?
Can we get back to helping the OP, and not arguing among our selves? We are all agreed they are both are fault, but we continue to argue to what degree. Is that all we have to offer? She is here looking for help and we can give her ideas to solve their problem. Who cares witch one is at fault? She is ready to work on it, lets give her our support and let her decide what advice to take.
__________________ "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.
FWIW, I don't think a woman should ever "just do it" either.
I just don't see how a person can a) not want sex, b) be unwilling to take ownership of their lack of desire, and c) expect to be happily married to another sexual person.
I'd be willing to bet, if there were any good will left between them, that even a blueprint that delivers a ray of hope would be enough for him sexually at this point.
Tell him that your libido is struggling due to lack of non-sexual time together and recommend walks to help your sex life, for example. See what happens. This isn't just spreading legs and letting him have his obligatory fun - this is working toward a common goal.
If he goes on some walks, and shows you some good faith stuff, do the same for him. Baby steps. Grow together. Enjoy the journey. To me, this sounds so much more profound than just expecting her to "just do it" or him to run through hoops on the off chance her libido changes.
OP might find that H is so far gone that it doesn't work, or perhaps she is so far gone that she can't bear the effort - and if either is true, it's better to find that out now rather than 10 years from now, yes?
Sorry, Acorn, but I have no response because I don't care to keep promoting "just do it" to her like you did, ignoring everything I already stated like you did, and ignoring everything she stated by suggesting she do what she already stated she does like you did.
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