General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
TAM community, what is your take on you or your spouse having friends that cheat in relationships?.
My friends aren't cheaters & if they did cheat, we would no longer be friends.
If they want to cheat, that's their choice, it's also my choice to not stay friends with those who make bad choices.
I've stopped being friends with people who got DUI's, because that's also a choice I don't condone.
None of use are perfect, yet we have free will & what you do with that free will says a lot about your moral character.
I like to surround myself with positivity & will cut out those who are toxic, this also goes for family.
Life is just too damn short to be around such negativity.
And oh, I've thought about tipping the husband off. I feel really bad for him. Their marital issues are serious enough that I would understand his wife getting a divorce, but she won't until she has to because she doesn't work and is afraid to lose her house. He has his own major flaws, but he doesn't deserve to be deceived and used like that. His wife has claimed that she's worried he'll kill her if he finds out. I call BS on that..
Yeah, I call BS too. If she was actually afraid she'd leave. It's not that she's afraid, it's that she is a coward who wants to have the thrill of cheating, while living off of her husbands paycheck.
Please let him know what he's really dealing with in his marriage. He might right now be killing himself trying to fix the marriage, while she has zero intention of doing anything to improve it.
Yeah, I call BS too. If she was actually afraid she'd leave. It's not that she's afraid, it's that she is a coward who wants to have the thrill of cheating, while living off of her husbands paycheck.
Please let him know what he's really dealing with in his marriage. He might right now be killing himself trying to fix the marriage, while she has zero intention of doing anything to improve it.
I agree. I just wish my SO would do it herself! Anonymously tip him off, I mean. It's what I would have expected her to do based on past conversations, which is why I'm surprised. She thinks that telling her cheating friend that she "disapproves" is enough. Meanwhile, this couple invites both of us over for barbecues, etc. every once in awhile. If something doesn't change, I can't imagine going along and watching his wife play the role of good little wifey. If she's told my partner about it, who else in their circle of friends has she told? He could be the last to know.
I'm still planning to ask her to come peruse this thread, but she's out working in the garden all day today.
Because my spouse would be concerned that I was friends with someone that would encourage me to cheat when my marraige was at a weak point.
Been in that position, myself. I was friends with a woman who claimed her marriage was horrible. That her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was sympathetic. I was having problems in my own marriage at the time. And, since I didn't see any way out of mine.... I gave her alibis to see her OM. It was stupid. I came clean to my husband and to her ex-husband. The thing is, she is a serial cheater. She, herself, admitted to me that it wasn't the first time she got involved with another man. After getting away from this woman, I saw that my marriage was not as bad as I thought. And my husband and I have been working on our relationship. But I avoid becoming friends with toxic people such as this, now. And, if already friends with someone, I advise as best I can, but keep my distance.
If my friend were to attempt cheating I would try my very best to stop her/him from doing that.
However if she/he goes ahead with the cheating I would try not to be judgmental about it, however it would certainly impact my friendship with the cheater friend for the following reason..
I feel that trust, match of wavelength and values forms the base of a friendship. If a friend were to cheat on his spouse with another person:
1. That is unacceptable in my books and I wouldn't consider the friend as a trustworthy person any more.
2. Since this is an absolute deal-breaker for me it would also prove that my friend (at least at that point of time) has different thinking & set of values that were not strong enough to stop him/her from cheating
With the core of our friendship gone out the door, in all reality, I don't think my friendship with this person would survive for long.
Good question.
That's why I have very few male friends to hang out with,so I just hang out with my wife .
I don't like guys who cheat on their wives.
I hate guys who physically beat their wives / women. I once found out that a very close friend of mine had hit his girlfriend. This girl was also in our friend circle,and I had set him up with her.I was the matchmaker. When I spoke to her,I realized that it was not the first time.
I made sure she broke it off with him.
Today he has three children,all born during the same year,with three different women. He was also a serial cheater.
I had to get rid of him because he tried to swindle me in a business deal [ we were business partners], and I felt my wife would be his next target. [ My wife complained that he had called her once & was bad mouthing me]
If you protect a cheater,they WILL COME AFTER YOUR HUSBAND / WIFE.
I agree. I just wish my SO would do it herself! Anonymously tip him off, I mean. It's what I would have expected her to do based on past conversations, which is why I'm surprised. She thinks that telling her cheating friend that she "disapproves" is enough. Meanwhile, this couple invites both of us over for barbecues, etc. every once in awhile. If something doesn't change, I can't imagine going along and watching his wife play the role of good little wifey. If she's told my partner about it, who else in their circle of friends has she told? He could be the last to know.
I'm still planning to ask her to come peruse this thread, but she's out working in the garden all day today.
You know what. She's taking the no pain easy path of objecting a little, but doing nothing.
The guys being cheated on, he deserves to know and to know who the OM is. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree. I just wish my SO would do it herself! Anonymously tip him off, I mean. It's what I would have expected her to do based on past conversations, which is why I'm surprised. She thinks that telling her cheating friend that she "disapproves" is enough. Meanwhile, this couple invites both of us over for barbecues, etc. every once in awhile. If something doesn't change, I can't imagine going along and watching his wife play the role of good little wifey. If she's told my partner about it, who else in their circle of friends has she told? He could be the last to know.
I'm still planning to ask her to come peruse this thread, but she's out working in the garden all day today.
Just call him through a payphone and tell him his wife is cheating on him.
How can you go to his house, eat his food, smile to his face and not say a damn thing? Posted via Mobile Device
How can you go to his house, eat his food, smile to his face and not say a damn thing? Posted via Mobile Device
I couldn't. The guy's always been kind to me, and I actually like him more than I like his wife...although it shouldn't matter if I didn't.
They're not my friends, really. They're my SO's. I feel uncomfortable, like it's totally not my business. I see them maybe 3-4 times per year, but she sees them often. I don't have a phone number, email address, anything. Since his wife doesn't work, she's always home, so it's not like I could drop by. I'm sure I could find his number in my partner's phone, but I'd prefer to have her "blessing" on it. She browses my posts here now and again, so she would see these eventually. I just sped it along by emailing her a link to it tonight.
I'm hoping she'll read the other posts and maybe one of them will click in a way that what I've been trying to say to her this past week hasn't. I seem to remember her liking Shaggy's posts a lot in the past...although I didn't because they were about me at the time lol.
I think this is one of the ways that TAM has changed me considerably and it didn't have anything to do with why I came here.
There were a few of the CWI stories that caught my attention because they were mentioned on other threads. In particular it was Shamwow and Bandit.45. The threads sucked me in because both posters were great writers, and you could feel for them in the way they wrote. I really was affected by their stories. At this point cheaters disgust me so much because of the havoc and personal destruction they leave in their wake I'd never want anything to do with them.
I couldn't. The guy's always been kind to me, and I actually like him more than I like his wife...although it shouldn't matter if I didn't.
They're not my friends, really. They're my SO's. I feel uncomfortable, like it's totally not my business. I see them maybe 3-4 times per year, but she sees them often. I don't have a phone number, email address, anything. Since his wife doesn't work, she's always home, so it's not like I could drop by. I'm sure I could find his number in my partner's phone, but I'd prefer to have her "blessing" on it. She browses my posts here now and again, so she would see these eventually. I just sped it along by emailing her a link to it tonight.
I'm hoping she'll read the other posts and maybe one of them will click in a way that what I've been trying to say to her this past week hasn't. I seem to remember her liking Shaggy's posts a lot in the past...although I didn't because they were about me at the time lol.
She has the conflict of betraying and losing her friend vs doing the right thing (Her friend should have already made her H to be an abusive *******, so not much incentive for that)
I think you should question her reason for being okay with a woman who would cheat on her H. The justifications(from her friend) will appear reasonable after a little while(to your wife). I can see an argument of "I don't judge her" from your W.
Warning warning warning... And this is how many good people get twisted around and into affairs. They hang with cheaters, especially at bars, and suddenly find themselves getting attention and offers. At first they say no, but over time they loosen up little bit by little bit. and then a major boundary gets crossed.
Your SO should not be hanging out that much with this person without you there. You're already seeing them change, and rationalize their friends actions.
As for the husband of the cheater - I think you'd be doing him a major favor by anonymously tipping him off if you can.
Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07
She has the conflict of betraying and losing her friend vs doing the right thing (Her friend should have already made her H to be an abusive *******, so not much incentive for that)
I think you should question her reason for being okay with a woman who would cheat on her H. The justifications(from her friend) will appear reasonable after a little while(to your wife). I can see an argument of "I don't judge her" from your W.
First to my spouse: You know very well I do NOT agree with my friend cheating. And I have not known her husband as long as I've known her. He is not her HS sweetheart.
To Shaggy: I have not changed. I do not rationalize my friend's behavior. Everyone on here who has read my previous posts (which were deleted regarding my spouse) knows the troubles me and mine have gone through. And through it all, I thought hard about everyone's opinion. And through it all, all 10 yrs, I am the one who has NEVER cheated in any way shape or form, never thought about cheating, not even when me and mine were split up.
To Warlock: You are right, I do try not to judge. And my friends husband is not abusive.
To All: This is a couple who have been together almost 22 yrs. The first half of their marriage was mostly happy. The last 10 yrs, the H has had a drug problem. He checked out on the entire family. He refuses to go to drug counseling. He's had nothing to do with his children during this time (I had to ask them because I am NOT ok with her cheating but her children are all for it and want her to be happy. They do not respect their father because of the way he has been the last 10 yrs). Yes, he does provide for the family in the way of working. Every day after work, he heads over to his brother and mother's place so he can do his drugs with them (his brother is a drug addict also).
I know that the last 3 anniversary's they've had (and we all know the 20 yr is a big one), he's come home to change only to head over to his brother's and not spend time with his wife. Not even giving her a card.
And yes, we do get invited over for cook-outs, pool parties, etc. and yes the H is always very nice when he's there. And yes, I myself even thought of tipping him off because it disgusts me when people cheat.
I do not in any way condone her behavior. And I would not emulate her in any way.
On the flip side, yes we have been friends since junior high. Yes I have told her how I feel about what she's doing. This is the second time she's cheated. The first time was only flirting, meeting up, kissing, having a drink. Her H found out about it and promised her he would quit doing drugs and spend time with her. And he did for about 3 months. Then went back to doing the drugs and never being home.
Yes, she did lose a bunch of weight and yes she does feel better about herself. And I know for a fact that she told him if he started doing drugs again and never being at home, if he stopped paying attention to her, that he could not complain if someone else was interested in her.
I don't believe his drug use is a cause for cheating. I don't think there is ANY reason a person should cheat physically or emotionally. She should man up, so to speak, and just tell him. I think he may already know or may want to keep blinders on. He's not a stupid man. But I have to wonder how bad his drug use is and how bad he really checked out when his only daughter doesn't want him walking her down the isle when she gets married later this year.
Again, I do not condone her behavior and I do like her H, but 30+ years of friendship trumps the time I've known her H. I have told her I don't want to know about her and her new man. When we hang out (we are sun bunnies around the pool), we talk about everything BUT him.
And back to my spouse: No she did not meet up with him at the bar. It was simply HS friends hanging out with each other.
To everyone else including myself:
Matthew 7:1-2
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
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Re: cheater friends 
