confusedev

So here’s my story: Been married 5 ½ years have 3 kids 13, 11, 5 years old. The 13 and 11 year old are from my wife’s previous marriage. She’s 41 I am 30 years old. We got married when she became pregnant (wrong reason I know).

The marriage has been pretty tumultuous for the last 4 years. I have actually left on two occasions once for 2 weeks and the second time was for 5 months back in early 2007. We have tried to work things out and have gone to counseling together for a while. I even was going to counseling by myself for a while. I feel like my wife and I are like oil and water we just don’t seem to mix.

I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck and feel that I am better off financially without her. Obviously I love my kids, however I feel like we go through the motions for the sake of the kids. My wife has asked me where we were going in our marriage and I honestly can’t answer her. We are going two opposite directions; I have taken up a life of fitness and health and gave up all my bad habits. She on the other hand smokes cigarettes, has a drinking problem, and drinks a bottle of wine nightly although lately she hasn’t because I told her to dry out or get out. She refuses to get help and I know once her stress gets high she will climb back into the bottle. She is a great mother and doesn’t drink until at night, but it affects us. I hate the person she becomes when she drinks.

We argue and fight about everything. We moved from California to South Carolina this past year for my job, I am in the military. She got her license transferred so she can work in SC but there are no jobs right now, it just adds to the already strained marriage. I am on the verge of telling her to take the kids back to California this summer so she can work and be happy. She wants to live back in California and I told her that I have no desire to ever live In California again. It would kill me to not have the kids here but I truly want both of us to be happy, but I just can’t see us together. I am tired and just want to experience happiness again. After the last time I left we got back together and I made a promise to the kids and her that I will not leave again. I’m not breaking my promise but I am at a loss of what to do.

sisters359

You will be breaking your promise if you leave again, so think long and hard before you do that. It's a promise you should not have made unless you are willing to honor it.

That does not mean, however, that you must continue in the situation you describe. Your wife is an alcoholic, and you cannot abandon the children to her. She could endanger them.

It sounds like what you want is to be a good dad but get out of a bad marriage, so put that at the center of things and much will fall into place. You can and should aim to take full responsibility for the children until your wife dries out (if that ever happens). If you have not adopted her children from a previous marriage that may be a lot harder, but good legal advice can help you resolve this. Separating the 5 y.o. from siblings would be so painful for all, and those older kids need a safe and loving home too. Maybe losing her kids would be the wake up call your wife needs; maybe not. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.

You could start by insisting SHE leave until she is sober and in therapy for X amount of time. That would not involve lawyers if she is willing to do it. Make it clear that her drinking will be used against her in any custody conflict, and maybe, just maybe, she'll listen. That's a pretty scary possibility, and it should NOT be an idle threat. You also need to get counseling to help you deal with things if and when she goes.

These are just some ideas based on what you have said. I strongly urge you to take all opinions and weigh them carefully; finding the right path requires care, patience, and often professional support. Keep those kids safe in the mean time, and best of luck.

confusedev

I have no intentions of leaving. I am resigned to sticking it out in an unhappy marriage if that's what it takes. As far as endangering the kids, I honestly know in my heart she would never let that happen. She drinks her wine and talks on the phone late into the night with her friends and family. The alcohol really only affects us. She is a fantastic mother and I would never fight for custody because of my five year old and his relationship with his brother and sister. I am just feeling no emotion towards her. She is unhealthy and constantly having back pain because of the extra weight. I even have offered to take her to the gym with me and be her personal trainer. I honestly was trying to find something we could share and at the same time give her an outlet for her stress rather than smoking and drinking. We have grown into two completely different people than when we met.