General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
ok, I need some help, I have a wife who doesn't see anything wrong with contacting, staying in touch, visiting and on one occasion stayed with an ex. I have tried everything I could think of to make my point, I have asked several opinions from friends and they all say the same answer, it's wrong. My wife just left Friday for a week long trip to Ft. Lauderdale with a couple girlfriends, jokingly I asked if she had an ex down there, she said yes but had no idea where or anything about him. Well, after a gut feeling, I checked the phone records today, there was some texting going on starting last night after we talked, a total of 24 back and forth total, I looked up the number and sure enough it was him, this is the first I've seen this number and went back through our records for the last 12 months, nothing. She keeps insisting that I'm the one she loves, period, we have been married for 10 years, 2 kids, but have not been romantic for over a year and a half(I'm told it's because of my weight and her bad back), I don't know what to do, I'm lost, confused, hurt, the man in me says give the ultimatum, but the family man in me doesn't want to give up seeing my kids, and my wife. Am I wrong in feeling betrayed? I have talked to her best friend and she said not to worry, but isn't that kind of a tainted opinion? Do I confront her now or wait until end of week, will everything go underground? I don't know what is the clear path, am I overreacting?
She is in the wrong here. She obviously lied about the ex in ft lauderdale. I wouldn't mention anything about it while shes gone. If nothing is up, then you're making much ado about nothing. This next step is going to require big patience. Stay on the phone records. Memorize how many more are sent. And when she returns, ask to see her phone immediately, or sneak it if you can. If all the messages are there, good. Read them and look for anything to see if they met up. Assuming you snuck this, ask her while playing dumb if she did meet up with an ex.
Now if she deleted them, then you have red flag number one. Now you know shes hiding something and will lie. But use this to your advantage. Ask her if she contracted or spoke with any exes. If she says no, immediately memorize her reaction. This way you will know what she looks like while lying. Then Ask if she met up with that same ex. You should be able to figure out if shes lying now.
Point is, don't play your cards right away. Use it to your advantage to see where the lies are. Like I said, hopefully its meaningless and, she just doesn't want you to get unnecessarily jealous (going about it the very wrong way on her part ) Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sure no one here would agree with me on this but here is what I would do:
Do what ever you need to do to find some one to take care of the kids.
Immediately head down to where she is and tell her it's a surprise, that you want some time alone with her to be romantic.
Gage the reaction. If she gets bent out of shape, your marriage is over. Just sayin' Posted via Mobile Device
That puts him into such stalker status. If it was a girls weekend and she's being a faithful wife, shed still get mad at him for showing up. Because it would be painfully obvious why he did it. Please don't do that. We all can agree there may be smoke here, but don't make it worse. A wife needs a self confident man, not a lost puppy trying to find mommy. Posted via Mobile Device
That puts him into such stalker status. If it was a girls weekend and she's being a faithful wife, shed still get mad at him for showing up. Because it would be painfully obvious why he did it. Please don't do that.
With all due respect LOSTfan, I think you're wrong here. What could possibly be his downside by taking charge of the situation? As her husband he has every right to "stalk" her if he thinks that she may be doing something that is not right (like having sex with another man) and frankly, it's a lot more up front than key loggers and VARs and GPSs and private investigators. She has no right to be angry given the information he has on her. And her weekend should be ruined or otherwise (as we all know) she will be in that guy's apartment flat on her back with her legs high in the air.
I said this in another posting: all the guys who first post here are wringing their hands about their wife's new male "friend". They don't like the fact that their wives are going out with other guys ... but they never ever put their foot down because they might seem insecure or controlling and they want to be all sensitive and progressive. Then we read a week later in the thread that they found out that their wives are being used as a sperm receptacle by their "friend".
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
We all can agree there may be smoke here, but don't make it worse. A wife needs a self confident man, not a lost puppy trying to find mommy. Posted via Mobile Device
swede1775 - It is this man's opinion that showing up there un announced to check up on things is not as bad an idea as others would lead you to believe. And if it does make you look like a lost puppy, you would at least be a puppy with a big pair of testicles.
Where anywhere did he state she's physically cheated on him before. Spending money to fly down and crash a planned girls weekend isn't manning up. Its jealousy pure and simple. Manning up is using the time alone to work on himself and becoming a more independant person. The kind where, if she is cheating on him, he won't take her back, hell know his self worth and won't be on message boards doubting himself...
Flying down to ft lauderdale to pretend its to be romantic is a lie. Its not honest, wrong or right on what she's doing, he's being deceitful and jealous. That is not healthy. He can gain the mental upperhand by keeping tabs on the phone records and confronting her when she comes home. He doesn't need a plane ticket to figure this one out. All he has to do is ask when she gets back. Deleted texts: cheating. No deleted texts, and a simple up and up convo: probably not cheating. A lie about it in any part of the story: cheating or just not a healthy relationship.
Either way hell have his answers without risking looking like a jealous stalker crashing what could be an innocent girls weekend. Posted via Mobile Device
Where anywhere did he state she's physically cheated on him before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by swede1775
My wife just left Friday for a week long trip to Ft. Lauderdale with a couple girlfriends, jokingly I asked if she had an ex down there, she said yes but had no idea where or anything about him. Well, after a gut feeling, I checked the phone records today, there was some texting going on starting last night after we talked, a total of 24 back and forth total, I looked up the number and sure enough it was him, this is the first I've seen this number and went back through our records for the last 12 months, nothing.
As far as I'm concerned, this is all he needs
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
Spending money to fly down and crash a planned girls weekend isn't manning up. Its jealousy pure and simple. Manning up is using the time alone to work on himself and becoming a more independant person. The kind where, if she is cheating on him, he won't take her back, hell know his self worth and won't be on message boards doubting himself...
We don't know where he lives, it could be a short drive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
Flying down to ft lauderdale to pretend its to be romantic is a lie. Its not honest, wrong or right on what she's doing, he's being deceitful and jealous. That is not healthy. He can gain the mental upperhand by keeping tabs on the phone records and confronting her when she comes home. He doesn't need a plane ticket to figure this one out. All he has to do is ask when she gets back. Deleted texts: cheating. No deleted texts, and a simple up and up convo: probably not cheating. A lie about it in any part of the story: cheating or just not a healthy relationship.
Either way hell have his answers without risking looking like a jealous stalker crashing what could be an innocent girls weekend. Posted via Mobile Device
OK, maybe I was off base on the pretending part but I'm willing to bet I'm spot on that she is going to meet this guy. And to me it doesn't matter if there is no sex, she meets him, she's cheating. You guys are way to willing to wait around to see what happens and you are way too passive. It's no wonder you're getting walked all over. Let's see what happens if Swede1775 posts again and what the outcome was. And for the record (and fore Swede's sake) I hope I'm wrong!. However, if it were me, I'd be down there. If my wife got mad at me, who gives a sh1t, she'd have to explain those calls first.
And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being a jealous husband. When being a jealous husband wasn't a stigma, wives cheating was a smaller percentage than it it is today now that jealousy is stigmatized. Try reading my story.
There's a differnce between confidence and being a man, and being paranoid. You really consider a man or woman in a relationship who meets an ex for anything is cheating? I guess well have to agree to disagree. Posted via Mobile Device
I guess well have to agree to disagree. Posted via Mobile Device
I guess so. Maybe we are of different generations but I'll tell you this: it will be a cold day in hell before I let my wife have any contact with an EX without my being there.
Listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong for a man to follow his gut when it's telling him to act like a man. The only question you have to decide is exactly what ultimatum to give, and when. There is a lot to be said for staying covert and getting as much info as you can before you show your hand.
Listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong for a man to follow his gut when it's telling him to act like a man. The only question you have to decide is exactly what ultimatum to give, and when. There is a lot to be said for staying covert and getting as much info as you can before you show your hand.
I'm on the same page as you, but what if waiting means she now has the opportunity to have sex? And what if she doesn have sex with the guy? Isn't that worse? I know it's not a good idea going in with guns blazing without all the information, but the alternative can be a b1tch.
I'm on the same page as you, but what if waiting means she now has the opportunity to have sex? And what if she doesn have sex with the guy? Isn't that worse? I know it's not a good idea going in with guns blazing without all the information, but the alternative can be a b1tch.
Agree it's possible but I feel it's unlikely he's caught an affair just before it goes physical. More likely somethings already going on, or it's not going to, immediately anyway. Plus there's the fact that going in all guns blazing could easily actually drive her into the arms of OM.
ok, I need some help, I have a wife who doesn't see anything wrong with contacting, staying in touch, visiting and on one occasion stayed with an ex.if she wants to do that, its ok. but not with you as her husband.
I have tried everything I could think of to make my point, [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]I have asked several opinions from friends and they all say the same answer, it's wrong[/COLOR]. forget your friends. the only reason youre asking them is because you let her gaslight you and you havent got the balls to say what you feel and stand by it.
My wife just left Friday for a week long trip to Ft. Lauderdale with a couple girlfriends, jokingly I asked if she had an ex down there, she said yes but had no idea where or anything about him.And right there is when all plans go on hold. Or she can go, but all her **** will be out on the sidewalk when she returns and the doors will be locked and deadbolted.
Well, after a gut feeling, I checked the phone records today, there was some texting going on starting last night after we talked, a total of 24 back and forth total, I looked up the number and sure enough it was him, this is the first I've seen this number and went back through our records for the last 12 months, nothing.
She keeps insisting that I'm the one she loves, period, we have been married for 10 years, 2 kids, but have not been romantic (as in no sex???) for over a year and a half(I'm told it's because of my weight and her bad back), fat people and disabled people have sex, shes gas-lighting you.I don't know what to do, I'm lost, confused, hurt, the man in me says give the ultimatum, (Hold up, are you scared of her or something, or do you secretly want her (ex)-ex bf to give her the poundin- AHEM, 'Romance' you haven't gotten in 1.5 years? Man up unless you like feeling what you're feeling now. Because if you don't, then there's more to come, and by that time you wont even have your integrity left, it will be in her purse, on his dresser, along with your gonads. ) but the family man in me doesn't want to give up seeing my kids, and my wife.
Am I wrong in feeling betrayed? Stop looking for validation on how you feel. And for damed sure dont seek it from her. Or her skanky assed friends. I have talked to her best friend and she said not to worry, didnt I just tell you not to seek validation from her friends??? who do you think gave her the moral support to go ahead to visit the ex bf? While you babysit the kids? Do you think this wasnt planned? but isn't that kind of a tainted opinion? Do I confront her now or wait until end of week, will everything go underground? No. You wait, and watch this forum. More people will come with good advice and information. I don't know what is the clear path, am I overreacting?
The clear path is the one you make FOR YOU. it don't involve her, though she might walk along side it for a time. Maybe. But as for you overreacting? Lets say if your username was Chernobyl04261986 your reaction to your wife was a gross underreaction.
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Lost in Confusion 
Re: Lost in Confusion 
Dude listen up;
