I think I'm about to cheat on my husband
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

I've just found this forum while searching for other advice or info for my situation. So here goes..

I've been married to my husband for almost 7 years. We have a 9 month old baby.

He has no libido whatsoever. I have a high one. He'd be happy to only have sex a couple of times a year, if ever. I'd like it at least a few times a week. We've only had sex 3 times this year, all me initiating. In the 8 years we've been together, he's only initiated sex about 5 times, seriously. We've fought about it a lot..that is me starting off asking why he never initiates and it escalates into fighting and him promising he'll change and ask for it more. He then gets over affectionate for a few days thinking this fixes everything, but still doesn't initiate sex.. same scenario over and over and over for our whole marriage.

He's never really been into sex but due to living with his parents for the first 4 years of the marriage (in his country) which made intimacy difficult, it didn't seem a huge issue.. until we moved here and lived alone, where it became abundantly clear that he just isn't interested in sex. A few months ago he finally admitted to me that he doesn't like sex. After me questioning him for years and him reassuring me that he likes it, he'll change, etc etc, he finally told me the simple truth. He won't get counselling and he won't have his hormones checked because he thinks he's completely normal.

If we didn't have a baby I think I would end things. He is from a different country and if I left him, he would have little choice but to move back to his country as he is not independent and wouldn't know how to live here alone. I don't want our baby to grow up without a dad, and he is the best dad in the world.

So, after all that, I'm on the verge of cheating on him. I have never ever cheated on anyone and have always been quite judgemental of cheaters, thinking there is never justification to do that. But now here I am very seriously contemplating it I met someone recently who is interested in taking things further then friendship with me and frankly it feels great to actually have someone interested in me sexually after so many years of rejection and disinterest from my husband. I feel like this is not who I want to be..married and considering physically being with someone else. I know there is no justification in cheating..only a reason.

How is it fair to be in a marriage that has no intimacy though? If your partner knows you are unhappy with something in the marriage, shouldn't they at least make an effort to fix things? How can you reaffirm your love and commitment without sex/making love.. making dinner and doing chores only goes so far IYKWIM.

I've never been in a situation like this and feel like I am going to be physical with this other person to get what is missing in my marriage. I have asked my husband before if he would allow me to have sex with someone else and the thought horrified him (rightly so I suppose!), yet he won't have sex with me.. so I just don't know what to do..
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

The one thing that is certain and I think 99% of the people here would advise you is that you should not cheat on your husband.

End your marriage before you get into another relationship first.

Of course, this is the last resort if MC and trying everything you can to make it works fails.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

Absolutely agree with the above, end your marriage first... then seek love elsewhere. If you cannot do that, then sit down with your husband and talk through it, you may find reasons behind his "low libido" that can be fixed.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

I'm not going to be the one to condem you for feeling this way. I'm in your situation except I'm my wife is sexless. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel what you're feeling now.

I've also never admitted this to anyone or to this forum, but I did have an opportunity to cheat. It was as blunt and brazen of an offer I've ever received from a younger attractive single woman. The temptation was/is unbelievable. I know you want nothing more than to just feel that from your husband. But to have that option from somebody who actually wants you is more than flattering. It feels right. But wrong at the same time.

Bottom line is I never even responded. And I dont think you should either. I know you are suffering right now, and quite honestly I've been going through this for 6 years and now I know it will probably never improve.

Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out. And I can't say you should consider him through this because somebody who pretty much cuts you off from intimacy for years is not considering you.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

Thanks for your replies. I used to think the same thing about ending a relationship first..since I never could see how people could cheat.. but when a child is involved it is more complicated then to walk away. Apart from this issue, we do have a pretty good marriage.

I think he has low testosterone but he won't investigate this. I've also seen a counsellor privately (without hub knowing I went) who suggested he only thinks about sex for reproductive purposes which he seems to have 'learned' from his parents. And now we have a baby, perhaps that means he thinks there's no more need to have sex.. I just don't know, when he doesn't do anything to help the situation.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

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Originally Posted by sinnister View Post
But to have that option from somebody who actually wants you is more than flattering. It feels right. But wrong at the same time.

And I can't say you should consider him through this because somebody who pretty much cuts you off from intimacy for years is not considering you.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

4 paragraphs about how it is his fault.

Then you say you have already found somebody who you have breached sexuality with.

You have already cheated. Cut your husband loose before you do more damage than you already have.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

the right choice isn't usually the easiest choice
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

I was explaining the situation, not laying blame..read it how you will. I have been to counselling, he has done nothing to help our marriage is the only thing directly at 'fault'.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

Anom,

You said "but when a child is involved it is more complicated then to walk away"

If you cheat and your husband found out AND your marriage ended (however many weeks/months/years down the road from now) would you want your child to find out YOU were the cheater? Would you want to be viewed as the cheater by others?

Misty's dad is also correct. It sounds as if you're already involved in an Emotional Affair (read up on them) and your looking for the justification to take it physical.

Yes, you're in a bad marriage right now because it's not giving you what you need. There's alot of us out here whose spouses are low drive (LD) and we feel your pain.

As others have said, don't cheat. In the long run it won't be worth it.

Tell your husband again that he isn't giving you what you need and if he continues to refuse counseling and a medical doctor visit you'll have no choice but to end the marriage. Set a hard deadline of say a month for him to see his MD AND get his first counseling appointment.

If he doesn't follow through, seperate from him and then start divorce proceedings. Eliminate the other man in you marriage now and never contact him again
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

No healthy male, his age, doesn't want sex. There is something wrong with him, he needs to see an MD.

It is understood that a marriage can not last without intimacy. Don't lose your self respect and cheat. End it fairly. Cheating will end it badly.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

why don't you flat out ask him if you can see/have sex with other people?
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

You have already cheated on your husband.

If you are unhappy with your sex life let him go and move on.

You seem to want the security of a faithful husband and good dad without any of the bad parts of a marriage like poor health.

My sTBEH always had a low sex drive. I accepted it because I loved him.

Than I found out that he cheated on me.

That has in an odd way set me free. I can now leave him without needing to feel any guilt.

I have to leave because I can never trust my STBEH again.

Your husband will never trust you either, and your marriage will be a shell.

With that said, verify that he is not cheating.

A lot of men who experience low sex drive or erection issues blame it on the wife and need to test themselves by cheating.

It is often easier for a man with sexual difficulties to get heated up during the fantasy of the illicit thrill of an affair. This further perpetuates blame on the faithful wife.

Don't however accuse him as it will warn him. Simply start checking.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by anchorwatch View Post
No healthy male, his age, doesn't want sex. There is something wrong with him, he needs to see an MD.

It is understood that a marriage can not last without intimacy. Don't lose your self respect and cheat. End it fairly. Cheating will end it badly.
That is absolutely untrue.

There are a lot of marriages in which men have erectile dysfunction and the woman do not cheat.

The marriage vows say in sickness and in health.

If it does turn out that this man has erectile dysfunction is she allowed to complain.

There is more to a marriage than just sex. Otherwise no need to marry in the 21st century. Stay single.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm about to cheat on my husband

Thanks Toffer for that thoughtful response.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
why don't you flat out ask him if you can see/have sex with other people?
I have brought it up several times and he is always horrified at the suggestion.

Sara - he's healthy as an ox..he possibly has psychological issues attached to sex or a hormone imbalance..but who knows since he wont investigate.
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