stay at home dad

so you guys are scaring the hell out of me with the other GNO thread.
My wife recently started girls night out with friends from work I have never met. I even encouraged it as she never did anything on her own. They go to a nice bar/club close to their workplace. I have seen pictures of her friends from work and like my wife are all very good looking women. She is 40 and they range in age from 24-45. I always trust my wife and never accused her of any wrong doing. The thing is, she is not a drinker. when she has one beer, it just about puts her to sleep. Well now there has been a cpl nights where she had 3-5 drinks and I get the excuse that she has to sobor up before she can drive home. So instead of home by midnight its like 3:30-4 am. The problem is she works 70 miles away and we have 3 kids, so I cannot just wake them all up and go get her. Should I put some boundaries on where she can go, how much she can drink, when to be home. I should also say that she really does find great joy in dancing which we do together as well and she has a very stressful job as an RN. I want to trust her and I do, but this thread and those cpl late nights got me wondering? The one night when she came home really late, I kept it light as I didn't want her to throw a guard up, and I asked her toungue in cheek like "so how many times did you guys get hit on?" she said not once. This threw a flag up. I mean these girls are smoking hot, in one of the biggest clubs in the city on a holiday weekend. Is it possible that not one guy or group of guys would approach them? I guess I just felt like she wasn't being totally honest.
PS. I have another thread about our resentment issues, but wanted to seperate this issue/non-issue to get a different perspective.

BeachGuy

This is dangerous territory. She's on a path to trouble. I don't know what the answer is but I would say you really need to sit down and have a talk with her about it. If my wife were out till 3 or 4 in the morning "with the girls" I'd blow a gasket. Well, I wouldn't now cuz we're divorcing but if she had when things were ok with us I sure would have. Nothing wrong with her going out for "a" drink with the girls or a movie or something, but clubbing all night? I think not.

growtogether

Hi Dad,
If you were to identify your feelings here, what would they be?
When you look at your wife's situation, what is going on in your mind and body?
You said some interesting key words here: honesty, trust and scare.
Then you talk about boundaries, so what exactly do you want from this?

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Almostrecovered

hoo boy

you arent your wife's keeper BUT...


-she's hanging with 20 somethings who are likely single or have no cares about your wife's marital boundaries. She may also want to feel younger and freer by hanging out with these coworkers.
-she's going to dance clubs, aka "Meat markets" Dance clubs are where men go to look to pick up women. Your wife may have the most altruistic intentions of just dancing but the men there have no qualms about approaching her and dancing with her and providing lots of attention, thereby putting her in a position of great temptation
-she's drinking more than she usually does- a change of behavior, alcohol will also loosen boundaries and make it easier for her to break boundaries


NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW
-

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Mavash.

This needs to stop. GNO is one thing. Partying, getting drunk and staying out till 4am is a whole other issue.

That would never ever fly with my husband.

ScaredandUnsure

Yup. I wouldn't be okay with it either. I could actually see myself getting very, very P/O'd over the whole thing and losing my cool.

Entropy3000

If you were NOT already having marital issues this would be a huge red flag. Since you are having marital issues this is over the top.

40 is not easy for many women. At this time some start looking for validation from other men. Some start re-evaluating thier comittment to a monogamous marriage. Or in general start slipping thier boundaries. They feel like they are tenured and can start living in a diffent way. i.e. more independent behavior and living for themselves as opposed to their spouse. Some call this a MLC. Whatever, I see this as a normal phase in life that happens around 40 for some folks.

The fact she cannot handle alcohol and yet now is drinking and staying out late period is beyond risky. She may use this as an excuse but basically it makes her a huge target. She is not a savvy partier so she will make all the mistakes and bad choices that younger folks make when they are dating and end up in ONSs and other bad relationships.

She is now seeking out other men to flirt with, drink with, dance with, be groped by and so on. She is doing this with impaired brain function by drinking heavily. This is single behavior. The men there who are hitting on her are primarily interested in feeling her up, getting sex from her and / or having future contact to seduce her.

The bottom line she is seeking out other men now. Add that to the other issues in your marriage. NO good will come of this. In fact accepting this will only further lower her respect for you.

In addition realize that this is a great cover to be meeting up with another man from work.

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Acorn

I think you have every right to step in... GNO has already started to alter her behaviors so you'd be crazy not to.

stay at home dad

wow is it possible that I just trust her too much? These replies seem over the top to me. I see the pictures her friends post on facebook and it is always just all the girls dancing in a bubble. I have reviewed all her text and phone calls on our bill and nothing is out of the ordinary. I even had a phone locator app and always where she said she was. Am I being naive? I would like a direct answer to my main question I will ask again.


The one night when she came home really late, I kept it light as I didn't want her to throw a guard up, and I asked her toungue in cheek like "so how many times did you guys get hit on?" she said not once. This threw a flag up. I mean these girls are smoking hot, in one of the biggest clubs in the city on a holiday weekend. Is it possible that not one guy or group of guys would approach them?

Also the 4 am thing only happened once. There was an hour late one time and the other times are more like a drink after work with the girls for a cpl hours, then home right after that.

The one thing that has brought another red flag up is, we have been re-connecting this last week like never before. We really started working on it about 3 weeks ago. Since then she has no interest at all in girls night out. I am sure i am reading into it, but I feel like maybe there has been an EA? now her emotional needs are being met, so maybe no need for the other? Again this is a big stretch and everything is going so good right now in our marriage, I really don't want to throw a big wrench in it. I certanly don't want a confession I may not be able to handle!!!!!

stay at home dad

I do see alot of these traits. she is deffinately showing her independance. She recently went back to school as she stated how proud she would be to get the next degree.
On the other hand, i have realized I have given her every reason to do it as I have not been fullfilling her needs as a husband emotionally. Very good at being a dad. But gave up on the husband thing. I am changing this rapidly and it is being recieved better than ever expected. BUt now I am finding myself wondering about what may have happened when I was not.

Acorn

Stay_at_home, some guys have been really burned with GNO and there are a lot of GNO supporters that could hear story after story about them and still defend them - lots of arguments on this site about it - anyway, you are going to have passionate responses on this topic no matter how you slice it.

For me, the only thing that jumped out at me was the fact that her behaviors are changing... coming home drunk at 4am? As a 40 year old married woman? That is not good. So, it's worth stepping in and reminding her that she isn't single and 18 any more.

As for the rest of it, just be aware it's out there, observe, and be wiser for it.

The Middleman

I'm sorry to say that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be comfortable with this situation at all and I would be inclined to put a complete end to her GNOs. My wife goes out on GNOs but her and her friends go to restaurants, not bars or clubs and her evenings almost always end early (9:00 PM or 10:00 PM). Additionally I have, on occasion, discreetly checked up on her GNOs to make sure she was where she said she was going to be and with whom. As a SAHD you don't have the flexibility to go and personally verify what is going on for your own piece of mind. So, if you're not comfortable with what is going on with your wife and her friends, I don't see where you have any other choice but to ask her to end her GNOs. BTW: Don't expect this to be easy and don't expect a warm response.

Lon

SAHD, yes you are being too trusting. Other commenters answered your question quite clearly but I suspect you are too overwhelmed by the implications to hear: yes it is impossible that no men approached your W's group of friends.

What time do the bars close where you live? Where do you think she was after closing time, how did she get there and who else was she with? Women going to afterparties are going there with the guys they picked up - there is a chance your W was just following her "friends" there, but either way she is surrounding herself with a bunch of friends that are out for sex. As much as she loves to dance, her friends are not out to just dance, and if you enable your W's gno's neither will she for very long.

I tell you this from my own experience as a trusting loyal husband who supported my W in her quest for self-improvement, and stayed home with our son without complaint while she went out late partying with her friends - I held all my disdain in and bit my lip because I wanted her to be happy and hoped that happiness would spill over into our marriage and family life too - despite all my enabling she just saw me as holding her back?!?! it was completely incomprehensible to me, and hurt me to the core. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you, but I'm giving you a warning because it is just too similar and common a pattern to ignore...

stay at home dad

Here's the thing. If I limit the GNO to no bars/ dance clubs. It will end. Next we are just getting to dealing with the resentment part of our mariage. However, I have boys night out, which is usually during the day or early evening or when my band plays about 4-5 times a year. Our BNO involves going to eat chicken wings or riding atvs. Never and I mean never going to a bar. Its to damn expensive for me. I just want to trust her! first and foremost. I feel like there is point in being married if you cannot trust your spouse. I think I should have never read the other GNO thread and I would be fine.

The Middleman

Actually it's a good thing you read the GNO thread so you see others experiences. Ignorance is not bliss.