General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
I've scoured these forums trying to find someone "like me" to look for some hope.
We're both 43, married 7 years, together 9 years, no kids.
After feeling some distance/detachment over the past few weeks we had some sad and scary conversations this weekend and it was clear to me that my husband is unsure of where he wants to be. He says he loves me - repeatedly - and when I've asked if he's still in love with me he says yes. But he also says he's not felt that we are "lovers" for some time now. We have sex about once per week, only we've not had it for the past three weeks. We've tried but he is not...um...successful if you understand my meaning.
I didn't expect our conversation to go that way. I know. I'm sure. I want to fight for us. I want to throw whatever it takes at this to make it right. To fix it. He tells me he knows how much he loves me, that he knows he's always been able to count on me. When I said that I always thought I could count on him, he looked pained, and hugged me, and said he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hopes our marriage works but also that "it's fair to say there is a specter of ambiguity" over him.
I know I can never really know 110% but I don't believe there's anyone else for him, and certainly not for me. I suspect he's gotten closer to a female colleague at work but he has few friends and I don't begrudge him this one. I don't think she's the issue (and my antenna is on crazy high alert, if there was even a sliver of doubt, I'd call it out)
I don't know what to do with that. We both talked about finding ways to reconnect, make each other laugh, etc., but I don't know how to do that without it feeling sudden, or forced, or insincere. I don't want to risk seeming clingy or pushing him away while trying to get closer to him.
We have had a GREAT marriage. We rarely fight. We've been great partners. This is our first rough patch and maybe because it's our first it seems bigger than it is? I don't know. I need perspective. Our friends would be SHOCKED to know we're struggling.
How did we get here? I don't know. It's been a rough year for us individually - a health scare, two insane jobs, it's just been a slog. He's in a particularly bad place with his job right now - dissatisfied with his role, short-staffed, cranky. I would love to attribute what's going on in our marriage to that but I know that's not the full story. But I hope that if part of that can be resolved he might "come back" a bit more.
Up until recently I've never felt more sure about anyone or anything and now I just feel like I've been hit by an earthquake. There are cracks in my foundation and I don't know what to do or how to start.
I want to ask him 400 questions. I want to put the fire out, close the door, <insert your cliche here> but I know that's not possible.
Does this sound familiar? What do I do? How do I do it?
I love this man so much. He is my soulmate. I have to believe that I am his - I get him in a way no one else has or does. It just seems surreal to me that I had to ask him if he wanted a divorce (he says no), or a separation (he says we're not there...yet - oh how that "yet" stabbed me), or counseling (he says let's try working it ourselves first).
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then you have to ask those 400 questions. You have to ask them without being judgmental and without him fearing giving you the answers.
Don't ask questions that can have yes or no answers. Ask questions that need an explanation for an answer.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
You may have fallen in the same trap as we did. We never fight either. I have heard it said, if you never fight then you don't put enough value in the relationship to fight to make it better.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
well to be frank when you get a version of the ILYBINILWY speech (I love you but Im not in love with you) AND there's an opposite sex person in the picture that he is close with?
well, call me jaded, but infidelity is a bigger possibility than you are giving credit for
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
well to be frank when you get a version of the ILYBINILWY speech (I love you but Im not in love with you) AND there's an opposite sex person in the picture that he is close with?
well, call me jaded, but infidelity is a bigger possibility than you are giving credit for
Hello Jaded!!
9 times out of 10 this stuff doesn't come out of nowhere. There's a 3rd party lingering around aiding the confusion.
I think this is why people are so vague when you ask them what's wrong. Marriages are no place for ambiguity.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
Daisy,
While it could be a MLC, I too am suspect regarding the other female.
Can you see your phone bill online? Look at his texting/call history. Is there alot of texts/calls to a single number or two? Has his volume of texts gone way up?
Get a voice activaed recorder or 2 (second one is used so you can swap them out) and place under his car seat with heavy duty velcro
Get a keylogger on his PC NOW
Is his cellphone locked and does he keep it close all the time?
Do not confront him until you have evidence. Do this investigating quietly.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
Something in your tone leads me to beleive that you two started off with a really strong relationship, but may have taken it for granted. That can happen when one or both partners are stressed from work. Sometimes a really terrible working environment can screw with your head. That can lead to a lack of communication and ultimately a lack of intimacy.
MC or IC could be helpful here. Don't stop with your attempts to communicate. You both need to get to the bottom of the issues and the deeper feelings going on here.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
Be aware that that other women may just be a friend, but also could be the one who is helping him emotionally detach. an EA can be more devastating to a marriage than PA's.
The 40's are the primary age if the MLC Mid Life Crisis which can lead to EA/PA and blaming the spouse on their unhappiness for realizing life is going to end someday sooner than it used to be.
You should push for the professional help of a MC. Agree that you will only go to one you both can agree with. Your marriage is worth it.
Re: Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by callmedaisy
I've scoured these forums trying to find someone "like me" to look for some hope.
We're both 43, married 7 years, together 9 years, no kids.
After feeling some distance/detachment over the past few weeks we had some sad and scary conversations this weekend and it was clear to me that my husband is unsure of where he wants to be. He says he loves me - repeatedly - and when I've asked if he's still in love with me he says yes. But he also says he's not felt that we are "lovers" for some time now. We have sex about once per week, only we've not had it for the past three weeks. We've tried but he is not...um...successful if you understand my meaning.
I didn't expect our conversation to go that way. I know. I'm sure. I want to fight for us. I want to throw whatever it takes at this to make it right. To fix it. He tells me he knows how much he loves me, that he knows he's always been able to count on me. When I said that I always thought I could count on him, he looked pained, and hugged me, and said he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hopes our marriage works but also that "it's fair to say there is a specter of ambiguity" over him.
I know I can never really know 110% but I don't believe there's anyone else for him, and certainly not for me. I suspect he's gotten closer to a female colleague at work but he has few friends and I don't begrudge him this one. I don't think she's the issue (and my antenna is on crazy high alert, if there was even a sliver of doubt, I'd call it out)
I don't know what to do with that. We both talked about finding ways to reconnect, make each other laugh, etc., but I don't know how to do that without it feeling sudden, or forced, or insincere. I don't want to risk seeming clingy or pushing him away while trying to get closer to him.
We have had a GREAT marriage. We rarely fight. We've been great partners. This is our first rough patch and maybe because it's our first it seems bigger than it is? I don't know. I need perspective. Our friends would be SHOCKED to know we're struggling.
How did we get here? I don't know. It's been a rough year for us individually - a health scare, two insane jobs, it's just been a slog. He's in a particularly bad place with his job right now - dissatisfied with his role, short-staffed, cranky. I would love to attribute what's going on in our marriage to that but I know that's not the full story. But I hope that if part of that can be resolved he might "come back" a bit more.
Up until recently I've never felt more sure about anyone or anything and now I just feel like I've been hit by an earthquake. There are cracks in my foundation and I don't know what to do or how to start.
I want to ask him 400 questions. I want to put the fire out, close the door, <insert your cliche here> but I know that's not possible.
Does this sound familiar? What do I do? How do I do it?
I love this man so much. He is my soulmate. I have to believe that I am his - I get him in a way no one else has or does. It just seems surreal to me that I had to ask him if he wanted a divorce (he says no), or a separation (he says we're not there...yet - oh how that "yet" stabbed me), or counseling (he says let's try working it ourselves first).
I'll take any advice.
Thank you.
Sounds very familiar, only I was the one who told my husband i felt all that and he was the one who thought everything was just in a rut and okay with it that it would pass. We were both so emotionally attached to other things going on we sort of lost touch with each other, and then I got really scared when another female entered the picture. Sometimes the initial reconnection feels forced, and it sucks, but get through the first few minutes of whatever the activity is and you start to enjoy it.... find common ground, new common ground, get back to dating and get to know each other all over again. At least he recognizes it. Do you recognize it? or do you think things were fine?
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Hi. I'm new and scared and want it all to be okay. 
