He says he's not attracted to me.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He says he's not attracted to me.

It started during my pregnancy. He didn't like the weight gain. At one point he told me that "big fat pregnant chicks" didn't turn him on. I have never been a thin person. I'm only one size bigger now than when we met, but I guess that's enough for him to now find me completely unattractive. He'll still have sex with me at least once every two weeks, but I mostly feel it's from pity. He says that he loves me sometimes (in that, if I ask him if he loves me he'll say "sometimes I do"). I know other men find me attractive - I still turn a few heads, but it's destroying me and all of the little bit of self confidence that I have left that my husband does not find me attractive. He watches porn and masturbates almost daily and hides it from me. He doesn't trust me. If I pick up his phone to check the time or anything, he yanks it out of my hand. If I sit down at his computer (yeah, we have separate computers) he'll yell at me to get out of there. I know for a fact that he's not cheating on me, he just doesn't want me to see the porn. I have tried to tell him over and over that I don't care if he watches porn, but he just gets angry with me. I've tried to watch with him when I accidentally walk in on him, but he shuts it and gets mad at me for "sneaking up on him" (it's always because I've been in bed for a few hours and woke up without him and went to find him, but he thinks I'm trying to "catch" him). Recently, I gave up everything (job/life/friends) so we could move closer to his family. Right now I do not have a job. I don't think I want to leave, but I just don't know what to do anymore. How can he love me if he doesn't trust me or find me attractive? How can I talk to him about it if he won't talk to me? He doesn't care that he hurts me either.

He is also addicted to video games. I have begged him for the past week to stop playing and just watch tv or a movie or go out for a walk with me. He won't spend any time with me. He thinks that because we are in the same house every night that we are always together, but with him facing his computer all day/night, we aren't together at all and he sees nothing wrong with this. It's very frustrating.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Stop the begging and pleading, you shouldn't have to beg and plead for anything.. especially attention from your H. I'd suggest getting some hobbies.... go out and do something... don't make yourself so available and around. Have either of you considered counseling?
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

It's hard for me to get out because we have a 2 year old son. I have tried to make friends but I have to take my son with me every where I go and I just can't get in a conversation. I have had classes I've wanted to take, but it would mean him having to get up earlier so he could leave work earlier, and he refuses to do that. I don't have any friends in this new state. I kind of really hate it. I can't even travel to visit my family alone because they live 12 hours away. We don't have a lot of money right now so a babysitter is always out.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

In the mean time start exercising to lose a few more pounds and buy some new clothes.

Didn't his computer broke down? A few of his games went missing?
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Oh, if his computer broke down he'd work on it until it was fixed. I've thought about flipping the power off before, but he'd just get mad. His games are all downloaded on there, and he locks it when he's not at it so I won't touch it. He's kinda paranoid.

As for the weight loss, I am working on it, but it's for him and not for me so it's tough to get into it. I promised him for father's day that I'd work on losing 25 pounds for him. So far I'm down 6.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

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Originally Posted by lola_mazola View Post
As for the weight loss, I am working on it, but it's for him and not for me so it's tough to get into it. I promised him for father's day that I'd work on losing 25 pounds for him. So far I'm down 6.
Wrong attitude. You need to make yourself 'better' for yourself not him.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Lola.. don't lose weight for HIM... lose it for yourself. Take pride in you for YOU.... not for anyone else. As far as your son.. hell take him to the park and chat with other mothers there if you run into any. Take your son on walks, ect... just go out and spend time with your son. Eventually the computer obsessed spouse of yours will see he's missing something.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

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Wrong attitude. You need to make yourself 'better' for yourself not him.
^^^Drat!! Beat me too it!! lol
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Wrong attitude. You need to make yourself 'better' for yourself not him.
That's it. Put yourself before him, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. You don't need him to do that. Do things with your son, go for a walk to the park, feed the ducks, the zoo if you have one close by, lunch etc. Maybe find a parenting forum and arrange a meet up with some of the local mums for a play date? Soon your husband will wake up to himself and see what and who he is missing out on. Maybe he won't and will remain the weak man he appears to be and you will have the strength and confidence to leave and live your life without him.
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

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Originally Posted by lola_mazola View Post
It's hard for me to get out because we have a 2 year old son. I have tried to make friends but I have to take my son with me every where I go and I just can't get in a conversation. I have had classes I've wanted to take, but it would mean him having to get up earlier so he could leave work earlier, and he refuses to do that. I don't have any friends in this new state. I kind of really hate it. I can't even travel to visit my family alone because they live 12 hours away. We don't have a lot of money right now so a babysitter is always out.
Lola,

When our kids were young, my wife found out about a few "play groups" in our area where mother's of children in the same age range got together with their kids. It was a chance for the kids to cocislize and the mothers to gain some sanity by talking and sharing with each other. The play group met at least once a week and moved every week from one person's house to the next

When we moved between child one and three, my wife organized a new group in our new town.
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Hi Lola,
if you were to put yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being unhappy in your relationship and 10 being happy, where are you? Where would you like to be instead on that scale?
My question is more what would be your ideal relationship? What would be 10 keys words to describe it?
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Wrong attitude. You need to make yourself 'better' for yourself not him.


Totally agree....feel better about yourself first. He will come around.
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

It almost sounds like H is purposely trying to push you away. Could he have resentment built up about something? Does he ever avoid a topic with you (even one that doesn't have anything to do with you)? Sometimes people take out their resentment on the one closest to them.

It's pretty doubtful either of you are going to be happy living in those kind of conditions. I hope things improve for you.
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Your problem has nothing to do with your size. He is miserable and is escaping his life via porn and video games. You gave up everything to move near HIS family. How is that working out? Is he close to them or are they toxic?
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: He says he's not attracted to me.

Sounds to me like your Husband is being an a$$

I agree with everyone here that you need to do what’s good for you. Trying to lose weight is a great thing. I’m working on the same thing, and it feels great when you see it coming off. But do it for YOU, not for him.

Right now, you need to have a **** him kind of attitude. Granted, this is much easier said than done, but you need to just stop worrying about him and don’t listen to what he says. Kind of a “Woman Up” thinking. Don’t go out of your way to do anything for him or worry about making him happy, because it’s not going to work.

And do some things with your kid, and on your own. If it was me and my spouse was just going to sit in front of a computer all day, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave the kid with him every once in a while and take off on my own and do something. Even if it’s something as simple as going on a walk, or when you have to run errands. If he gets upset, come right out and tell him that if he’s just going to sit on his a$$ in front of his computer, he can watch his own child for a while and that you’ll be back.

Just remember, you are not the one responsible for his emotions (or lack thereof). Don’t worry about fixing him, worry about fixing you!
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