Satisfying her emotional needs without a fight resulting?

WillK · 06-28-2012, 05:35 AM

So my wife and I each have our needs, and our frustrations with not having them met has led to fights... I think I've figured out how to get my sexual needs satisfied instead of doing things that led to a fight, and I attribute it to Married Man's Sex Life. I'm wondering if there's something like that to help us avoid the fight that results when my wife feels her emotional needs are not being met.

Yesterday ended with a fight, which has been a pattern that seems to start with her asking me "What's wrong?"

Chelle D · 06-28-2012, 07:50 AM

And what was your answer?

Ie- "How" did you react to it?

Maybe she is trying to start a conversation with you that involves feelings & not having to do with sex. Maybe she's trying to gauge what kind of mood you are in. Maybe she has something on her mind that she wants to discuss with you & doesn't have a clue how to start.

Maybe she really wants you to come up to her and ask HER "What's wrong?" It would show her you have some interest in her emotional needs.

Oh.. and if you do ask her what's wrong... Be calm & supportive. Don't jump on her if she starts talking about something that upsets you or you don't really want to talk about. Give her some time to open up... (Ie, don't ask her what's wrong as you are getting ready to walk out the door to work, or going somewhere.)

Mavash. · 06-28-2012, 07:57 AM

Yes for me to answer I need to hear the rest of this conversation. How do you answer that question?

Rowan · 06-28-2012, 07:57 AM

I think the way to avoid fighting when emotional needs aren't being met is to make sure that emotional needs are being met. If her emotional needs were being met, she wouldn't be interested in arguing. If your emotional needs were being met, you wouldn't be interested in arguing either.

If you have not already done so, I recommend reading the books The Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs. Either or both of them should be helpful to you and your wife in figuring out what you each can do to meet the other person's emotional needs.

WillK · 06-28-2012, 08:35 AM

I really wasn't starting this to have a discussion about the specifics of the conversation. I was tired, and I responded by saying nothing is wrong. Whatever little things were wrong, I just didn't feel like getting into it. For a long time, this has been where fights start. She asks what's wrong. I say nothing. She keeps pushing. I ask her to stop. She doesn't. She pushes my buttons until I'm mad. Then once she has me mad, she can say I knew something was wrong.

I've started 5 Love Languages, but it's boring.. We took the test and the love languages we have are almost exactly the same if not for the 1 difference of touch being #1 for me and #3 for her. Both of us, our last language is gifts, and words of affirmation are #1 for her #2 for me, acts of service are #2 for her and #3 for me...

I have His Needs, Her Needs, and I suspect that might do us some good - the test for that seemed kind of daunting. I'm thinking maybe after the kids go to bed instead of watching tv maybe we should set an amount of time for us to read these books then follow with some discussion each night.

What I'm really after here is that I had to change my approach for getting my needs for sex, I think she needs to change her approach to getting her emotional needs because the way she does it right now, whether she intends it or not, she just pushes my buttons and escalates it from there.

Mavash. · 06-28-2012, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillK

I really wasn't starting this to have a discussion about the specifics of the conversation. I was tired, and I responded by saying nothing is wrong. Whatever little things were wrong, I just didn't feel like getting into it. For a long time, this has been where fights start. She asks what's wrong. I say nothing. She keeps pushing. I ask her to stop. She doesn't. She pushes my buttons until I'm mad. Then once she has me mad, she can say I knew something was wrong.

Ah got it. She's picking fights with you.

You know it takes TWO to fight right? When you feel her pushing that is when YOU need to walk away and state firmly you are not going to argue with her. You state early on if she wants to have a calm conversation you'll be happy to do that but nothing else. You will not stand there and allow her to push your buttons. That's not okay with you.

You train people how to treat you.

WillK · 06-28-2012, 08:48 AM

I've been able to do that since my turnaround, but it takes a lot of mental energy I just didn't have yesterday and she really got persistent. I need to not be the only one changing on this issue.

If His Needs/Her Needs might be the book to read for this, that's the kind of take-away I'm looking for from this and I'll prioritize getting us into reading that.

lamaga · 06-28-2012, 08:55 AM

Just as a tangential note, WillK, I have to say -- I think asking "what's wrong?" can be inherently manipulative, and I try never to do it.

If I really think something is wrong, I'll say something like, "you seem a bit upset, is there anything you want to talk about" which gives the other party plenty of room to say, no, not right now.

WillK · 06-28-2012, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamaga

Just as a tangential note, WillK, I have to say -- I think asking "what's wrong?" can be inherently manipulative, and I try never to do it.

If I really think something is wrong, I'll say something like, "you seem a bit upset, is there anything you want to talk about" which gives the other party plenty of room to say, no, not right now.

See, absolutely! When she says "what's wrong" it is starting a conversation on a negative tone.. And in my experience, it's a question with only wrong answers.

Rowan · 06-28-2012, 01:43 PM

You might also look into Dr. Harley's book Love Busters. It covers a number of the ineffective and bad-for-marriage ways people typically go about trying to get their needs met. And it provides some alternatives that are more effective and better for the relationship.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is just really wanting to communicate and connect with you but is going about it in a way that doesn't work for you. Or she may be able to tell that you're in a bad mood about something and be worried that it's something to do with her or the two of you as a couple, and is looking for reassurance. While her asking "What's wrong?" may seem hostile to you, my guess is that "Nothing!" may sometimes feel like stonewalling to her if she can sense your emotions but not their cause.

Next time, maybe try telling her that you're really tired and that you just had an irritating day that you'd rather leave behind you for right now, but that it's not about her. Then give her a hug or a kiss and either suggest something the two of you could do together (glass of wine, walk, make dinner together, co-ed shower, whatever

), or let her know that you need to decompress for a little while before sharing.