General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband feels that I put more effort and thought into my occupation making it successful, however, feels that he is playing second fiddle making our marriage unsuccessful. He is very type A, aggressive, and a go getter. When with him, I am very passive and seemingly all thumbs. It seems that I am continually intimidated by him presence and admittedly fumble and mess up even the simplest of tasks and conversations. However, at work, I thrive, succeed, and am a leader.
He is tired of not getting what he says he needs; I don't know how to begin to fix what I lack. I try and fail. Being reminded of my failures as a wife is something that I hear daily. If anyone has advice on how to begin again, I would welcome ideas. Everything that I have tried, I have failed somehow. I feel that we are stuck in a horrible, spiraling, torrent of negativity, manipulation, and resentment.
I have gone to three different marriage counselors by myself. My husband tried one many years ago. I get frustrated because with each counselor, it seems that I portray to them the 'battered wife syndrome' and do not receive advice on what I can do to make ME better. This has not resulted with any positivity from my husband. Sometimes, it just seems that there is too much......I am getting too tired and of course feel like the failure. I'm scared and yes quite a bit 'beat down' because I am told that I do nothing right as a wife.
Go home from work... be satisfied that you knew you did a good day's job.
Then, start small.. Do one Item he wants done.. Try to do it well.. & then bake him one a his fav. desserts. When he tries to talk negatively & "beat you down", ignore it. Walk out of the room. Then go back to what you were doing. If he tries again, say "I'm not feeling well, I can't talk now. I need to finish with this (making dinner/ laundry/ cleaning the bathroom) right now."
Again, if he starts with belittling comments, walk out of room.
Maybe, after a few days, He'll start putting it together that you are not sticking around to hear his negative comments.
If you have to.. do you have a friends house you can go to? or a relative? Just incase you have to leave the house for an hour or two to get away from negativity?
He is tired of not getting what he says he needs; I don't know how to begin to fix what I lack.
Help? Advice? Books? I'm all ears.
What does he say he needs that you are not giving?
A book about what Men generally need is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".... Another book is The 5 Love Languages
It's not clear exactly if you do not know what your husband needs vs your husband not communcating what he needs vs your husband being mean and not acknowleding what it is you are doing.
Men generally need to be sexually fulfilled and admired by their woman.
What does he say he needs? Take with lots of grains of salt - but if 3 MC's see "battered wife", then he is abusive. Which is his problem, not yours. Yours is getting out and not taking the abuse. Depending on how long this has been going on, you may need to seriously get used to the idea that he won't change and prepare yourself to act in your own best interests.
What does he say he needs that you are not giving?
A book about what Men generally need is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".... Another book is The 5 Love Languages
It's not clear exactly if you do not know what your husband needs vs your husband not communcating what he needs vs your husband being mean and not acknowleding what it is you are doing.
Men generally need to be sexually fulfilled and admired by their woman.
I agree, read the books Hicks recomended. I'll add "His Needs, Her Needs"
Here's a link where you can both take a Five Love Languages;
Thank you Chelle. Many of your suggestions, I have tried. My happy place is in the kitchen cooking. I have thought it to be a wonderful, comforting thing to greet my hubby after a long day, surprising him with his favorite treat or meals. This has been taken as being manipulative and selfish. He doesn't want me to be cheerful and happy when he comes home, especially if he doesn't 'respond' as open and thankful - he says I turn ugly. Honestly, after this has happened so often, I still don't understand or know how I turn ugly. I know that I regress....alot. Essentially, he says he doesn't need food or treats to make him happy, they are nothing to him but concrete 'things'.
I have tried the approach where I politely say, 'I don't choose to talk about this now", again, this isn't meeting HIS needs. I instinctively become quiet or think about the things he says and am accused of ignoring him or manipulating that into what he believes to mean, "screw you, I don't care about you".
It's just gotten so bad that when it's good, it can never be enjoyed because the reality that I will screw something up in the upcoming days or weeks completely erase all 'good' that has been done. He says that it's a cycle of how I don't care and how I can fake it for a few weeks before the true me comes out. The me that doesn't care for him. Unfortunately, the triggers for these reactions are so minute anymore. Something as simple as asking him a question that I had asked earlier in the week, or forgetting to recharge a battery, or forgetting to buy an item at the grocery store.
Now, I feel that old sense of guilt that came with each and every therapy session. This post seems to be turning into a poor me instead of how I can help to give him what he needs.
I really need to learn to listen and give him the time, consideration, and respect that he desires. I need to learn to let go of my anger and resentment for how I 'feel' that I am treated in order to try to move forward with him.
He is VERY clear and vocal about what I don't do for him. In fact he will say, "What have you ever done for me? What have you given me? and my favorite, "What have you done for this marriage?" I have taken you and shown you everything, you have done nothing for me but to have been a leach and a taker.
When I have suggested things or an activity, he has dismissed the ideas or called them thoughtless attempts at making him happy.
He says he wants someone who can 'take care of him' who can 'bring something to this marriage' he is 'tired of carrying the burden of this family and marriage' he wants 'someone who can do something for him'. I have acknowledged these wants over the years and have tried, to his opinion have failed. I have even gone as far to point blank ask, 'What can I do for you? Tell me how, what I need to do." His response is a gruff and disgusted, 'If I have to tell you more, it means nothing, all it means is that you don't care enough to figure it out.'
Lately, he has been negatively referring to my work and success there telling me that he hoped that I would get a clue as to how this is a decision that I am making because I can obviously flourish when I am not around him. Honestly, I have thought of my work as a life outside the home. Now, recently, I have negative feelings about my work because of what he says and how I have made those decisions.
I have read Love & Respect by Eggerichs - done a book study on the 5 Love Languages and recently purchased Gary Chapman's Desparate Marriages. I will also check out His Needs Her Needs.
Sounds like he is going thru something that you alone, probably can't help him with.
I don't know it all, But what I'm reading between the lines... He probably needs professional help. Sounds like he would refuse it.
Maybe, one time when He starts up with the negativity, sit down, take a pad of paper with you & a pen, turn to him, look him in the eye & say "I'd really love to get this better between us. I don't really want to fight anymore. Can you please be specific on items that I can/ or need to improve on? If I do something that you've asked & I do it "the wrong way"... please be specific on what I can do to make it "the wright way". ..."
Then give him the pen and paper.
Ask him to make two lists.
One list on things you do that he likes, or that you "do correctly"... ie, things that please him.
One list on things he wants you to improve on. Things he wishes you did differntly.. Things he feels you don't do at all.
They can be ANY type of things. (ie, how he wants his sandwiches made... when He wants his laundry done... How he wishes you'd be more agressive sexually... ) WHATEVER he wants to write about.
Tell him he has no limit on the lists. They can be as long as he wants.
Then, ask if he can please mark the top 5 or 10 items that are most important to him on making the relationship better.
After a week, bring out the list & talk about the top two items. Ask if he is noticing any difference with those two items? If greatness happening with two.. go onto the next two items.
The following week, work on the next 3 items... THEN, that week ask if he can "re-do" the lists. Etc.
(ie, In a way, you are being a slight counselor to him, because you are forcing him to address items that are upsetting him. You are getting him to write out some of his problems.) - Many psychologists use some kind of writing therapy. If the person doesn't seem to be the journal writing type , they use lists a lot.
Of course, they know what type of lists to ask for (ie, separating happy lists from anger/sad/frustrating lists), & how to address the problems on the lists. I don't.
I have gone to three different marriage counselors by myself. I get frustrated because with each counselor, it seems that I portray to them the 'battered wife syndrome' and do not receive advice on what I can do to make ME better.
So basically he's abusive and you're upset that you can't be something you're not to stop it.
Okay, reading your 3rd post... tells me he is a very unhappy person.
When he gets gruff & says "if he tells you more, then it means nothing, that it means you don't care enough to figure it out".
That is telling me HE doesn't even know what would make him happy.
He is putting all his unhappiness onto you & is expecting you to make him happy. It just will never work that way. He needs to confront his own demons & is not wanting to. He wants someone else to "make it all better".
When he comes back & says you don't care enough to figure it out. Tell him, "No, I DO care. I DO want this relationship to get better. I DO want you to be happy. But, clearly,.... I am not able to do it on my own, I have tried for X number of years. I obviously need your help to figure out how to make you happy." Please... make me these lists.. etc, etc.
I like your list idea. If I can approach him on this, I will try it out. As far as me telling him that 'I DO want, I DO and WANT is what he hears and tells me that he is so sick of hearing those words because they are selfish and hold no meaning to him. He has many times referred to the fact that I have no friends, because I am not a good friend, I have nothing to offer to anyone, especially him.
So yes, Mavash, I am angry that I can't change things. I feel contradicted because I feel completely inadequate. One time I had made the mistake of saying the abused word. Now, every single time we argue, he makes a mockery of it, saying, "Oh dear but you are so ABUSED that you can't even see my message." Then feels that he justifies it by saying, "Yes I am extremely hard on you, but I am honest and upfront and I am the one who can communicate, you (meaning me) are the passive aggressive one who sits back 'abused' and 'cute' and thinking screw everything that I need."
I say this with all the love in my heart I can muster.
You my dear are being abused and there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to make this better. He is mean and has no idea how to relate to another human being. You are nothing but property to him and a verbal punching bag. This is his problem and it will continue until you get sick enough of it to decide to stop it.
The only thing you can improve is your self confidence so you can learn to stand up to him as he's nothing but a common bully.
I say this with all the love in my heart I can muster.
You my dear are being abused and there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to make this better. He is mean and has no idea how to relate to another human being. You are nothing but property to him and a verbal punching bag. This is his problem and it will continue until you get sick enough of it to decide to stop it.
The only thing you can improve is your self confidence so you can learn to stand up to him as he's nothing but a common bully.
This is the conclusion every one comes to. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. When do you know enough is enough? We have talked about divorce, it always ends up a sad note that I am causing this because I dont care enough. How do you start and go through the process. We have 2 small children, I am a teacher, I feel that I have nothing. Posted via Mobile Device
How so? If i stand up for myself, i am a contrary ****!!. If i dont respond i am a smug ****. i have suggested separation and divorce and he somehow makes me feel like i can fight for it. Posted via Mobile Device
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Spiraling 
