General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
the true love is the consummate love and i believe it does exist. Its possible to truly have passion intimacy and commitment in a relationship. Sadly most people will never have this the issue lies in realizing if you have that or not.
the consummate love if it exist wont fail because if it did it would prove that one of the components was missing.
I feel this often happens among people they "fall out of love" try and make it work. Only for years later it to happen again and they realize they truly do not love that person. Love that is a true love is everlasting and wont ever fail. If you truly have (commitment, passion, intimacy) than your love and marriage will not fail because if it did fail than that would signify that one of the components is missing!. I feel a great deal of divorces that occur 10 years after the couple got married are cases in which one of the spouses comes to realize their exists no passion and no true love and all they have had that keeps them together is intimacy and commitment. A lack of passion in turn leads them to question the commitment.
So, you feel that if someone says they no longer love you that they never truly loved you to begin with? I've considered that. My x wife divorced me with no huge reasons. To make a long story short, she said I had become distant, didn't want to do things with her anymore, etc. She said my distance caused her to loose her feelings for me. I guess it's possible she never truly loved me.
I always have to wonder that too Warlock when the ILYBNILWY card gets palyed out of the blue.
Poster, just to rule it out, check your cell phone bill on line and go back as far as you can. Is there a spike in your wife's texting/calls? Are all the texts/calls to a specific number or two?
So, you feel that if someone says they no longer love you that they never truly loved you to begin with? I've considered that. My x wife divorced me with no huge reasons. To make a long story short, she said I had become distant, didn't want to do things with her anymore, etc. She said my distance caused her to loose her feelings for me. I guess it's possible she never truly loved me.
This is OT, southbound, but I don't really think that. We all go through stages in our lives, and sometimes we love people deeply and truly but not for forever. That's just part of life.
Her reasoning is that I had this emotional wall up for so many years. I didn't satisfy her emotional need for quality time/quality conversations. I get it, and I agree. What it comes down too is that we didn't communicate our needs effectively throughout the years and it eventually led to this point where everything just erupted.
Other than the quality conversations, I have literally given her EVERYTHING. Never complained about any of her faults and loved her for who she is. Too bad she can't do the same which does make me believe that I deserve better.
This is just and excuse. Your wife (like most people) doesn't understand the relationship between will, thought and feeling. She is choosing to let her life be led by her feelings rather than seeing herself as responsible for these feelings. Love is an act of will. Will creates thought and though creates feeling. The feelings she is missing are gone because the will to love that would create these feelings has been lost, forgotten, left to wither or whatever.
Anyone can prove this to themselves in a simple 30 minute daily exercise. The trick here is for the lost partner to find their way to get back their will to love.
I always have to wonder that too Warlock when the ILYBNILWY card gets palyed out of the blue.
Poster, just to rule it out, check your cell phone bill on line and go back as far as you can. Is there a spike in your wife's texting/calls? Are all the texts/calls to a specific number or two?
It's never completely out of the blue. Some kind of change or other external stressor has come up in the relationship, even if it's not and outside romantic interest
There is always hope. See this all the time on this website. One spouse becomes unhappy with their partner and puts all the blame on them and gives them the "I am possibly moving on" speech. They are lost and blame the closest one to them...
She needs therapy and should not refuse MC. The fact is your marriage is ill and needs a doctor. A quality MC should be able to help you both weather this bad period and get the marriage back on track.
I would tell her flat out the marriage needs professional help and that is what MC is for. Do it for the family.
Look up Dr. Harville Hendrix, and read his book. It will explain that what has happened to you is not only common but almost always the case in any marriage, eventually. Get some therapy for yourself even if she will not go to MC. Posted via Mobile Device
Time to do a little sleuthing. You say your wife has a history of going cold in all her past relationships, so it's time to find the new vine the monkey has grabbed onto. She's distancing from you to make room for the new man. GPS and VAR her car, keylogger the computer, and cell spy for her phone.
Time to do a little sleuthing. You say your wife has a history of going cold in all her past relationships, so it's time to find the new vine the monkey has grabbed onto. She's distancing from you to make room for the new man. GPS and VAR her car, keylogger the computer, and cell spy for her phone.
I agree , every other action is pointless until the prospect of a OM is proven false. Sad to say it's nearly always the case when we hear this story there has been a Om in the woodpile for about six months.
but someone told me once (im a guy) a tidbit i never forgot.
a. it is easy to get a woman to love you, hard to get one to respect you.
b. women fall in and out of love many times during a marriage, whether they stay or not depends on the level of commitment and respect they have for you (and attachments).
But if a woman said she nolonger was in love with me i would not consider that the end, but rather something to work on, or a three year marriage low, six months later she could be in love again.
c. while woman like shy, quiet guys. The tend to view them as weak and resent them over time. She perceives you as weak. Which is why she is losing interest. You may actually be a very strong man but in her mind it is how she perceives you.
d. if she is withdrawing from you, she is going to someone else. could be girlfriends, friends, or it could be another man for emotional connections. figure out where she is going for that support.
just my two cents, if its worth anything.
i wouldnt cater too her too much, you will come off as being weak and she will discount you, respect you even less. if she is already in a i dont love you phase the last thing you need is her to have even less respect for you than she already has. Dont act too much like a girl with the emotions, that isnt what she is really looking for but rather strength. Listen to her if she wants to talk to bring the emotional connection back, dont give in to her that will make her opinion of you worse.
if you dont listen to this i dont blame you, i personaly have never tried it. lol
So it's been a while and thought I would provide an update. Since I first posted here almost a month ago, I have been going through the hardest time of my life. After trying to make this marriage work and telling her how much I wanted to make it work, it turns out that she has been cheating on me all along. I had to confront her about it after I had my suspicions and put a keylogger on her laptop.
I had a feeling from the start but just didn't want to believe it. She didn't feel that emotional connection from me so she sought after it from someone else. Apparently it is from one of her best friends' co-workers. Needless to say, I'm no longer cool with her friend since she is the one that enabled it to happen.
Anyways, it's just been a roller coaster of emotion from sadness to extreme hatred. We went to marriage counseling and she pretty much said she didn't want to work things out. Really though? Fine. I couldn't trust you anyways. She was completely selfish and was only concerned with satisfying her own pleasure at the expense of our family. I am now in the process of filing for divorce. I definitely have my good and bad days because in the end I gave her EVERYTHING and she just straight up betrayed me and took advantage of me. This is the person that I truly believed I would be with for the rest of my life. Even before I found out about the cheating, I was making great progress in opening up and talking to her. She admitted that. Makes me feel like a dummy now because I tried so hard and her she is messing around with another guy and lying to my face.
I know I deserve better and I know in time all wounds will heal and I will come out of this stronger and better than ever. I WILL meet that special someone that will respect and love me for me. Unconditionally. My focus now is myself and the kids and honestly that is all that matters at this point. I don't wish anything bad on anyone, but I wouldn't be surprised if karma came back around.
Sometimes life doesn't want to give you what you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more.
30Likes
Re: Wife of 6+ years no longer IN love with me 
