General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I will try to stick to facts as much as possible so I can get potentially an unbiased opinion.
Background
I have been married for 6 years to my wife and have 2 daughters with her. One is 2 years old and the other one is 8 months old. I come from a lower middle class family and came to this country for studies. I have worked very hard for everything and have been through pretty rough times. And now have a great job and a beautiful house. My wife comes from a wealthy family and everything was handed to her.
We were happy together – had occasional disagreements about finances…etc, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t settle. Had excellent communication and would be amazed at people who couldn’t figure things out by talking. She was very logical.
We both come from a relatively conservative upbringing. None of us drink nor have experimented with any drugs. I used to be the impulsive one in the relationship and she was the calm one.
This all changed when we had our first daughter. I didn’t realize it at the time but my wife had a bad case of postpartum depression. And then we got pregnant again after 8/9 months from the initial delivery. She got very irritable and was on edge all the time. I started shutting down and would get quiet and she would go on and on about stuff. We started arguing a lot. I am very self critical, and usually analyze my behavior and admit my mistake very quick. In other words I am the first one to say sorry to smooth things over regardless of whoever is at fault. On the other hand I can count the number of times my wife has admitted she was wrong and changed her behavior.
Issue at Hand
My in-laws were over (they live 7 hours away) and uncovered that my wife was abusing prescription drugs; Ambien and Hydrocodone. Plus she was/is a closet alcoholic and had been drinking straight liquor. The liquor bottles (8 to 10 bottles 750 ml or larger) were stashed in a box in the garage. Once they found those, she made up a story saying those bottles were from some party we had a year ago and she forgot to throw them out. And since my in laws were coming she didn’t know what to do with them so she hid them in the box in the garage. She swore up and down and asked me to help her and talk to her parents. I believed her and stood up to my in-laws basically telling them to back off. But she had to admit that she was taking 2 to 3 10mg Ambien pills a day NOT NIGHT, coz of the quantity of pills in the bottle. This had been going on for about 2months, basically since the beginning of this year. And my mother in law was the one who questioned her about this. Whenever I used to ask her about her incoherent behavior or lack of concentration, she would lash out at me saying it isn’t easy raising two kids and staying up at night to take care of them (she would ask me to sleep in a separate room so I could get sleep and go to work).
I forced her to go to marriage counseling with me and to a substance abuse counselor on her own. She basically lied to the therapist about most of the issues. And I still hadn’t realized that she was also drinking liquor till one day I found more bottles in the bathroom on my own. And that is when I questioned her and she made up a story which I didn’t believe and gave her a breathalyzer test (of course it was positive). So the begging and pleading for forgiveness started. That was the first time in 6 years I had seen my wife apologizing like that.
This went on for another 4 months. I would find something once a month or so and she would beg and plead. I even left with the kids one night and stayed in a hotel after finding out an empty bottle. She found me and came pleading and begging and basically wrote out a contract saying that I can leave if she gets caught again drinking something.
And then it happened again couple of nights ago that I found a bottle of Vodka and asked her about it, this time instead of admitting she was wrong she lashed out at me saying I had bought it and put it there. And it’s not her. And that she has been on depression meds and feels great and has no need to drink anything. This got me very pissed. And then she dropped the little one on hardwood floor in front of my eyes and blamed it on the older one, saying she pushed my wife and because of that my wife lost her balance and dropped the younger one.
This is when I lost it and for the first time I slapped my wife and took the child away from her. It all went down hill from there. I got slapped and punched multiple times and she got shoved multiple times (she was afraid I was going to leave again with the kids). I couldn’t take it any more so I called her mother and my in laws drove 7 hours that night and took the kids and my wife saying she needs help and around the clock care and someone to watch her. And since I have to go to work I can’t do that. So the agreement was that they would keep the kids and my wife for 3 to 4 weeks to calm and cool things down. And then they would bring her back and my mother in law would stay with us and make sure my wife follows through the treatment (insurance doesn’t cover out of state expenses). I was reluctant but I knew I couldn’t watch the kids and work at the same time. Since then I had called my mother in law couple of times to ask if they had reached home and if the kids were okay. It was short.
Till this afternoon I called her and asked about my wife (I hadn’t spoken to my wife since she left). And all hell broke loose. Basically they both tag teamed me and said the entire thing is my fault. I had pushed their daughter to abuse drugs and drink since I was never around and never helped around the house (I only go to work 2 to 3 days out of the week and the rest of the days I work from home). It just kept coming one after the other. Sounded like I was the worst thing that had happened to her. After spending an hour on the phone and trying to rebuke what they were saying to no avail. I hung up saying I am at work and have to go. I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere.
I was dumbfounded with all this. Just to give you a little perspective till last week my wife was crying and telling me that I was the best husband anyone could ask for and she prays every girl should get someone like me. And she has hurt me a lot and I don’t deserve all this. I really don’t understand what happened.
I am not going to argue about slapping her. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn’t have done that. But the sight of my baby hitting the floor sent me into a rage.
Now my question is what do I do? I miss my daughters so much that it physically hurts me. I would think about going home from work all day just to see them smile as I walked in the door. My usual self wants to call back and say I am sorry, yes you are right and I will change. Let’s work on the issues and get you better. But then that is how I enabled her. Her parents handed her everything without consequences. I never made her face consequences. The longest I would ever stay made is 10 mins and then it would be back to normal (I just think staying mad is a waste of time).
P.S. One thing I am sure everyone is thinking is that how could I be so oblivious and not see that she was under the influence of something. Well, I thought about it too. And then I came to the conclusion that she was a substance abuse counselor. She was assigned specifically to counsel people from the healthcare industry (physicians, nurses, lab technicians…etc who abused drugs). So she knew all the right things to say and I just believed her.
whoa... i think the break is a good thing for you guys right now. if you miss the kids that much then speak to a lawyer.. if you can prove that she was an unfit mother.. then you might get them back. but you've gotta be ready to prove it.. courts usually favor the mother.
another thing is i would get your inlaws out of the picture. if she HAS to stay there.. then you need to have a conversation with the inlaws and tell them it's not their place to have any say on your relationship. if they wanna help take care of their daughter and grandkids that's great.. other than that it's none of their freakin business. they're just feeding the already gigantic fire...
btw... how is she getting this stuff?? is she going to her dr and he/she just gives it? is there a way to notify the dr that she's abusing the meds and maybe help find her something less addictive? is she getting the $ for this stuff from her job? if she's getting money from you.. cut her off because she cant be trusted not to buy booze...
She goes doctor shopping and says she has back pain. And because of the pain can't sleep. And I didn't know this but if you ask the Dr. to change your dosage (in her case up the dosage), you can get a new supply of 30 days along with the one you already have. And NO she doesn't work. She is a stay at home mother. That is what gets me so worked up, why do you need that much help (which I am not opposed to).
I really don't want a divorce my girls are too young. I don't want them to live without a parent. Its not their fault they are brought into this mess. I don't know...I am just very hurt and angry by the whole situation.
Army, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting NOW! Because you don't want to divorce, AND you don't want to raise your children in an alcoholic/addictive environment (it will cause them a ton of problems later on!) you need to start learning how to not be an enabler, how to protect your children, and how to protect yourself while all this is going on. At Al-Anon, you'll discover that you're definitely not the first person to be duped by an addict, that it's okay to love your addict, and get suggestions of things that have worked for other people.
I'm curious how your in-laws happened upon this information. My guess is that they have had experiences with her in the past that made them hyper-alert to what was going on. I mean, seriously, they found bottles that were hidden in a box in the garage! Why on earth would they be going through boxes in your garage? In any case, they're now the people who are protecting her addiction. I suspect that if she comes back home, and fails to complete a treatment program, they'll make a handy escape route for her next time the stuff hits the fan.
As far as "how it all happened," you've provided some of the answers yourself. Addiction is both genetically influenced and environmentally influenced. The makings for your wife's addiction were already in her life before you were. Childbirth and the subsequent depression may have provided the trigger that activated it, or there may be past events you don't know about. Either way, though, how it happened isn't really important to you now. What is GOING to happen is where your concerns should be, and Al-Anon is a great place to find information that will be helpful to you.
As a former drug and alcohol counselor myself, some of my relationship articles touch on things you're going through:
I really appreciate the information you provided. I did look up the local Al-anon and have contacted them. The links you provided did help and had valuable information.
As far as how the parents stumbled upon the box; they were cleaning out the garage. They are neat freaks and every time they come visit they clean our house from top to bottom. I honestly don't believe there was anything in her past which they knew about but then again I also didn't believe she would do anything like this.
I talked with her last night for a good while and she does want to work on things and mend the relationship. They have asked me multiple times to come visit and come see the kids if I miss them. But for whatever reason I feel like I am being blackmailed now that my in-laws have my wife and kids, they are calling the shots.
The idea of actually getting to an Al-Anon meeting might be pretty intimidating. I hope you can take it on faith when I say that you'll get over that feeling very quickly. Usually, you'll go in and feel really out of place while they get through the first "rituals" of their meetings - people will notice that you're new and smile at you, maybe say hi before the meeting starts, but then you're on own while they do their basic readings. Once those are done, they'll ask if there are any newcomers, and when you say you're new, they will invite you to speak privately with one or two people away from the group and help you get acquainted with how Al-Anon works.
Also, even though you think you're being blackmailed (even emotionally), you need to maintain your relationship with your kids. That is far more important than your anger or feeling victimized. Having that opportunity actually can give you a chance to talk to her parents and let them see both sides of the story rather than just her skewed view.
Her "neat freak" parents sound very controlling and intrusive - which may have contributed to her seeking relief from stress in unhealthy ways even before she knew you.
None of this is easy, but it *is* worth it.
None of it is easy, but it *is* simple if you work a program like the one offered through Al-Anon.
I agree 100% with Kathy. Goto Alanon. Although I dont drink anymore I still attend AA to keep me sober. Like your wife I was drinking, hiding, lying and even though my family was fed up they protected me. Why not? They do it to! The scariest thing I had ever done was walk into that meeting. When I left though I knew there was hope and one way or another I would be ok.
I have couple of Al-Anon meetings under my belt as of right now. And although there is a lot I don't know I understand the concepts.
I reached out to her (wife) and talked through the issues and eventually went to visit for 4 days. I tried my best to keep everything pleasant and it was. The deal was that they would stay there for 3 weeks, so things cool down and then my in laws would bring them (my wife and girls) back and stay with us while she goes to therapy. But there were couple of changes (which I agreed to) because of my father in law having back surgery and some relatives being over from another country.
Basically the situation right now is that she will stay there and I will try to either visit frequently or see if I can work from home and stay with them (I have that option depending on the work load) while my father in law is recovering from back surgery. But when I am alone and miss my kids it gets very hard for me to stay the course. I start getting upset and angry and resentful. And start thinking things like, "Couldn't the surgery be rescheduled for another date? Why am I the one suffering when she is the one who screwed up? Why do I have to stay away from my girls while she gets to be with her family - basically feels like she is getting rewarded for being wrong." Its just an internal struggle and sometimes it shows and comes out while I am talking with her and doesn't help the situation.
Is she doing anything right now for her addictions? Like going to AA. I'm sure her father can't help the surgery. She did screw up and if she's not doing anything abut it like counseling, AA meetings she is continuing to screw up. Glad you're going to Al-Anon.
I start getting upset and angry and resentful. And start thinking things like, "Couldn't the surgery be rescheduled for another date? Why am I the one suffering when she is the one who screwed up? Why do I have to stay away from my girls while she gets to be with her family - basically feels like she is getting rewarded for being wrong." Its just an internal struggle and sometimes it shows and comes out while I am talking with her and doesn't help the situation.
I have been in Al-Anon for 16 years. We learn to detach. We learn to handle our resentment and frustration. Yes, it is natural to feel resentful that the addict is getting "rewarded" while you are being dragged through emotional he!!.
Keep going to Al-Anon. You will learn to set boundaries. For instance, you will probably get to a point in your recovery when you may decide to tell your wife: "I cannot live with anyone who drinks and drugs. I love you. But I cannot live with such unacceptable behavior."
The ball is in her court. She either gets clean and sober, or she remains active in her addictions, with her parents protecting and enabling her.
You have to be true to yourself. It took me a number of years to get to the point that I could set boundaries and feel comfortable doing so. I had to let the addict in my life go in order to allow him to decide whether or not he wanted to continue in active addiction.
You are doing the best you can at this time. Take it one day at a time. Resentment over all of this is normal. Keep going to meetings. You will get plenty of support to work through your feelings.
I hope you will keep posting. I really care what happens to you and your family. Be well.
Is she doing anything right now for her addictions? Like going to AA. I'm sure her father can't help the surgery. She did screw up and if she's not doing anything abut it like counseling, AA meetings she is continuing to screw up. Glad you're going to Al-Anon.
That is the part that I am not understanding. She says she wants to get better and for the most part (according to her) hasn't done anything since the last time. But apart from getting depression meds, as far as I know, she has done nothing. Yesterday I asked her if she went to a counseling session like she said she would. And I got three different excuses, ranging from the younger daughter is sick, to not having a car. She seems to care about me and the kids but I don't see her getting any help for what she is going through. And that is what I don't understand.
Those excuses are all part of the addiction process. Keep going to Al-Anon. It works if you work it. You'll never be able to control the world, her, or anything other than yourself and how you respond to things.
Al-Anon can help you find a way to be at peace within yourself no matter what she does or doesn't do, or what excuses come your way.
I have been in Al-Anon for 16 years. We learn to detach. We learn to handle our resentment and frustration. Yes, it is natural to feel resentful that the addict is getting "rewarded" while you are being dragged through emotional he!!.
Keep going to Al-Anon. You will learn to set boundaries. For instance, you will probably get to a point in your recovery when you may decide to tell your wife: "I cannot live with anyone who drinks and drugs. I love you. But I cannot live with such unacceptable behavior."
The ball is in her court. She either gets clean and sober, or she remains active in her addictions, with her parents protecting and enabling her.
You have to be true to yourself. It took me a number of years to get to the point that I could set boundaries and feel comfortable doing so. I had to let the addict in my life go in order to allow him to decide whether or not he wanted to continue in active addiction.
You are doing the best you can at this time. Take it one day at a time. Resentment over all of this is normal. Keep going to meetings. You will get plenty of support to work through your feelings.
I hope you will keep posting. I really care what happens to you and your family. Be well.
Thank you for your support and kind words. I know in my head that I have to be logical and detach myself but its so hard and like a roller coaster ride. One minute I think I have gotten a handle on the situation and then next, all these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I get mad, angry, sad, frustrated...
Sometimes I think it is my fault like she and her mother indicated - I drove her to this. And think maybe if I change then it would go away. But after hearing and reading other people I try to push those thoughts away. I just want to be fair and not make people think that I have no faults. Then I think whatever I have done pales in comparison to what she is doing. She and her mother have a way with words. And most of the time I walk away thinking maybe I am wrong.
And the pain of not being close to my daughters compounds the emotions. But I am determined to work through it all.
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Substance And Alcohol Abuse 
