ambi42

Hello Everybody - New to this forum. We've been married for 12 years and I'm increasingly feeling very isolated. I'm not sure if this happens to all couples who've been through all what life throws at you e.g. kids, education, family, careers, health challenges etc.

Let me be more specific.

Over the years it looks like we've drifted apart. My wife loves to read books and surf the web. Nothing wrong with that. But it's come to a point that we hardly talk to each other and I pretty much find her behind one of those. Both of us work and she does a lot of 'heavy lifting' with the kids at home along with her job - which I do appreciate. I do my bit as much as I can.

But, firstly, my problem is not the division of household chores - it's the complete lack of communication. When I suggest to her that we should talk she generally is not very interested. However she is perfectly fine spending time with her girl friend. So her choice or preference as regards spending her free time is quite obvious. I'm not suggesting that I 'need' equal time but it's very obvious that she enjoys her friends company much more than mine.

Secondly, in my opinion of course, she has a lot of resentment about not being able to work earlier when we had come into the country. Due to certain legalities she did not have the appropriate paper work. She's been working now for the past 2 years. However, in my opinion, we made good use of that time by her completing her MBA and us raising our family. But now, whenever we have an argument, she does tell me that I'm where I am in my career due to the time she spent at home. My take on that is that if our roles were reversed I would have been staying at home and doing what she did - one of us who could work had to work to put food on the table. But it looks like there is a lot of resentment with the fact that she couldn't work as much as I could. I don't understand that at all - since I've always encouraged her to have a career, education etc.

Am I failing in reinforcing or expressing my love/ feelings? Where am I going wrong?

Ok now for some soul searching. I do have an issue with anger - not physical. But when I get pushed to a corner I get loud. Of course from my point of view I think I have a good 'threshold' but obviously I can't be objective about that. But that's an area I am conscious about, I have worked upon a lot and am proud of controlling my emotions during those 'tense' conversations. It is still WIP. On the flip side pretty much all the time I tend to get the silent treatment. There's a lot of passive aggression from her side.

So my question - is there a point?

EleGirl

For a marriage to be a good strong, passionate marriage a couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things. This means just the two of you holding hands, going for walks, talking.. and at least once a week a real date. How many hours a week do the two of you do this?

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ambi42

~30mins a day. That translates to 3.5 hours. Oh boy ..

EleGirl

Yep, your marriage will not survive on that.

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To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

EleGirl

So she works full time, does most of the child care and I assume most of the work around the house. And you “do my bit as much as I can”?

What does that mean? What % of the child care and house work do you do?

If you do not do 50%, why not?

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Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

ambi42

She works part time but also has some other projects that she has taken on. So it is full time effectively.

I take care of 50% of the house hold work. We also have a nanny to help us out who comes in 4hours a day on average.

I did change my job 6months ago which has kept me very busy. She has taken on more due to that - which I have always appreciated.

I don't think our issues are primarily to do with household chores - but maybe there is resentment around that as well.

lamaga

She has a nanny four hours a day and she is still complaining?

Also, it's hardly your fault that it takes jumping through a lot of hoops to get an EAD. And she did get to complete her MBA.

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm not about to jump on you for somehow not doing enough when it sounds like she is looking for excuses to be mad at you.

I will echo the above -- you have to spend more time together, and you have to figure out a way to communicate better. She's holding in things, and holding grudges, and that will be death to your marriage.

ambi42

Thanks for the responses so far. You're spot on regarding finding better ways to communicate. I try that and will keep at it despite being stonewalled. I guess I/ we should also give ourselves a time frame and if we cannot improve (our relationship), even it its a small step in the right direction, we need to consider alternatives. No one (including her as well) deserves to be in a dead relationship.

Drover

This makes no sense. How is her not working due to legal issues your fault? Stop yelling at her when she wants to argue about inane crap. Just quietly tell her to knock it off. If she wants to yell and argue, walk away. Tell her you'll discuss it when she wants to be rational.

Toffer

ambi,

Are you doing anything to deal with your anger issues? Remember that the only person you can change is you.

I agree with others that she has some resentment built up toward you and is placing the blame (unfairly) for her difficulties getting her career going on you.

Really, she's complaining about working part time AND has a nanny? I have 3 kids and my wife works part time. We don't have a nanny!