My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

I've been married for 12 years and have 3 kids. As far back as our engagement my husband wanted me to have a threesome with he and another person. At first he said he didn't care male or female, but then it eventually went to just male. I have been saying no over and over for the entire 12 years but he still wouldn't drop it. We would fight about it all of the time. In that time I have stopped wanting to have sex with him. He still however is my best friend. We get along great and work well together with the kids. At first I thought not wanting to have sex with him was just a result of being married for a while.

Then recently I had decided to finally agree to this for two reasons. One, I was expecting him to get upset and two, in the case he didn't get upset, the person he was suggesting I was very attracted to. Well, he loved the idea. It was all he talked about for 6 months. Everytime we had sex he talked about this person and I. My feelings for this person turned out to be alot more serious than just attraction. I think our bedtime talks opened the door for me to think further about him.
This 3rd person came to visit us one night. My husband left us alone together expecting his fantasy. Both of us went our separate ways without doing anything. That night I ended up confessing my feelings for him to my husband.
That finally did the trick.
He now regrets pushing this for so long. I am left with feelings for another guy, feeling like my husband really doesn't want me, thinking maybe he just wanted to cheat on me and would try to make it ok by having me do it first. He said he hasn't wanted to cheat and wants me, but I'm having trouble believing that.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm having trouble deciding whether to stay with him or not. As I said we are great friends and have 3 kids, but I feel like I can't get past this.
I need advice....please.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

I think you need to make an appointment for counceling quick. If your marriage is worth saving, you should do it. Had you written that you two don't get along, my thoughts probably would've been different, but because you two have such a healthy loving relationship outside the bedroom, I think your marriage is worth saving. GL
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Old 04-13-2009, 11:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

Lynnie,

I agree with the previous post, counseling for both of you will be a big help and will allow you to address issue you're concerned about and issues you may not have thought of.

I'm glad to read that nothing when on with the third person. Think of how much more complicated that would have made it. As it is, you've got enough to work out. You're husband was wrong to pressure you for all this time and it obviously took a toll on you and the marriage. The motivations for a man encouraging his wife to do this are varied but he probably does want you and is not looking to cheat. As the previous poster says, it sound like you have something worth saving.
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

hmmmm for a minute there I thought you were my wife...we been married 12 years and have three children as well and I've always wanted a threesome, particularly with a male. Plus we are best friends and are made for each other.

But that is where it ends....

Well here is my take and this is comming from me and my personal thoughts. Why do I want my wife to have a threesome?

I know this will be hard for you women to understand, but it's the honest truth. So here it goes...

Part of me feels my wife is the hottest woman on the planet, that I am one lucky SOB and married this terrible hot woman that no other male will ever get the pleasure to have sex with, it's like hogging up a treasure all to myself.

Another part wants me to "watch her" seeing her so hot and watching her go wild sexually is not something I can do, becuase I am the one doing it to her, I would love to watch her "in action" Women get mad at the porns, well nothing is Hotter then my wife in the porn...just not with me. Hard to watch yourself, just like it would be hard for you to watch yourself, guys don't want to see their naked butts bouncing up and down...yuck.

Another is the ULTIMATE pleasure for my wife, I know she would LOVE it, she would really enjoy it, I really think she would enjoy the experience of two men pleasing her. Matter of fact I know she would.

Finally, that I am not good enough, part of me can not accept such a georgous creature loves me and wants just me and no other man. Men hit on my wife everyday she is GEORGOUS, I find it very hard and difficult that she only wants me, I am no Brad Pitt, I am no Tom Cruise, I am a average dopey guy who had low self esteem for years, how can I possible have this? How could this georgous woman want just me? I have a habit of beating myself up, that I am not good enough, I am not worthy.

Did he have a girlfriend cheat on him in the past? I had one that screwed everyone and their brother, so it took a long time for my Repair job and my jealousy was OUT OF CONTROL, it took a long time for me to fully trust my girlfriend/wife we dated 7 years...I was waiting for her to cheat, which she did on spring break, but fully confessed the moment she got back, anyway didfferent topic.

My wife has always said no to the threesome, not interested what so ever. I still fantasize about it and tell her I do, but I also said, I will never bring it up, but if you ever decide you are interested, let me know and we will go to a swinger resort in Cancun for couples only, I think a full couple swap would be better for us anyway, or a foursome.

So what can you do? not much, he needs to get it out of his mind, you need to tell your friend it will not happen and it will only be unconfortable afterward.

Do you role play with your husband? Have you ever visited a swinger club? my wife and I have visited a swinger club for couples only, I have found the atmosphere electrifying and so has my wife, but we never have swapped, we watched others and others have watched us and that has been thrilling enough for both of us.

Having a threesome with the friend or just sex is REALLY A HORRIBLE idea, unless you can keep it as friends only then yes, but you can't you already stated you have feelings and you would regret it and it would cause trouble down the road and divorce. This is something you Both would want and I would recommend a Resort or a club, But no friends. But if you are not interested in it a 100% then DO NOT DO IT....EVER.

While I know I want to, and I know my wife would really love it, I know she doesn't want to, so I can't ask her to do it, but I left the door open for her in case she changes her mind.

Do you and your hubby do Photo sessions? make your own erotic movies? Sex texting? any of that? Maybe come up with some innovative ideas to get him off the threesome.

I learned to come up with other ideas for our marriage that my wife enjoys, She knows I will never give up on the threesome, but sometimes it's good to keep that carrot infront of the rabbit.

On a side note, I have not cheated on my wife, and never viewed a threesome as a "free pass" to go cheat, that is not what us men are thinking, it is the ultimate fantasy, the MMF is about pleasing the female in the most erotic way possible....but the issue is there is a third person and those feelings are usually left out, which can lead to major issues.

Don't do it with the friend, ever.
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

It's a common male fantasy for a man to want his wife to sleep with another man. I believe mostly to show how sexual and attractive the wife is.. to be proud of her, to know that other men desire her that way, but that she is his wife.

Also, it's my opinion that men are more sexually open minded, and often want more than straight monogomous sex, than womem. I don't believe he wanted to cheat, I don't believe he doesn't love you. I think he just wanted to experience something "different" "wild" with you.

Could I ask you why you just didn't do it, when he first asked. What was so horrible about it?
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

perhaps she was serious when she said it was something she didn't feel comfortable doing...

that's a pretty huge thing to just "do" because her husband "aked her to"...

I would never sleep with another man, I don't care how much my husband wanted me too.. that's over the top for me. I am not a prude, don't mind gettin kinky with my man.... but not Everyone is into that kind of thing,, and that is not a bad thing.

Her hubby pressured her, until she gave in, and then she fell in love with the other man... talk about backfiring...
I think he should have let sleeping dog lie.. and should not have pushed her into it.

perhaps some people don't think it's "so horrible" but some do not feel it's right to just go shaggin anyone who walks up, when they are married, whether it's under the guise of a "fantasy" or not

if you can find a wife that is willing, that is great! but women and men that are not willing to live that lifestyle, don't deserve to be belittled for it.

as I said, maybe she didn't feel like doing it. It's not something one "typically" expects will be a part of normal day to day marital relations...
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommy.shann View Post
Could I ask you why you just didn't do it, when he first asked. What was so horrible about it?


Hmm. Boundaries? Moral Code? Marriage Vows? Fear of STDs? Commitment? Personal Values? Religious Convictions? Fear of screwing up the marriage?............
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

Yes! Amp... always well said, and to the point...
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Old 04-14-2009, 04:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

I understand all that, but still think many people would be better off trying something knew, opening their mind. The same reasons you stated above for not fullfilling the hubby's fantasy, are the same reasons the divorce rate in the USA is so high.

I hope it all works out for lynnie. She seemed to "fall in love" pretty quick with this guy, I am sure she could fall out of love just as quick.

Also, It sounds like she screwed her husband over.. she knew "falling in love" wasn't part of it. Why agree to do it... get him all excited.. then don't do anything expect say she has feelings?
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Old 04-14-2009, 04:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

oh,, let me get this straight....

She screwed her husband over.... but what he did to her, pressuring her for 12 years to break her wedding vows... was not screwing her over? Ever heard of the expression , be careful what you wish for? And furthermore... so what you're saying, is that a married person screwing someone else... is Okay, as long as "falling in love" is not part of it? Wow... i mean, Wow...

You know what, if Both of these two , were okay with the "open marriage thing" which is an oxymoron... clearly.. then it wouldn't be a problem, as they would both be 'open" as you put it, to doing other people... but the fact is, she was not open to it, and he pressured her, and got what he wanted, except he got a LOT more than he bargained for... I have a hard time feeling sorry for him.


So , he did absolutely Nothing wrong, by pressuring her... and his ideas and his fantasies.. are totally fine,,, as long as she doesn't "fall in love"

Perhaps you have JUST illustrated, why this is a stupid idea??? do you not see that, you just made my point for me? geez...

I am guessing, that she never would have developed feelings for someone else, if her husband had not been having her talk to his dude, and get 'used" to him... granted, no one forced her to fall in love... or have feelings..

But that Very reason, is why things like this, Often backfire on a couple .... don't you get that? Why bother getting married?
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Old 04-14-2009, 04:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by lynnie View Post
Sorry this is so long, but I'm having trouble deciding whether to stay with him or not. As I said we are great friends and have 3 kids, but I feel like I can't get past this. I need advice....please.
Are you still in any kind of contact with the other man? Do you still have feelings for him? As far as your husbands requests of you it is a classic “Be careful of what you ask for.”

In order to get by this you will need to rid yourself of this other man and your feelings for him. I suspect your concern that you can’t get past this might be tied to TOM just as much as your anger with your husband in asking you to do something that was outside your boundaries.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

What are you getting so angry about? Jeez - I didn't say he didn't screw her over too.. All I am saying is people should try opening their mind, epsecially sexually. I bet if she worked with him, they could have worked something out.. if she just gave him something, like maybe dancing sexy with a guy in public or something.

I just don't understand why people say marriages are built on compromising, give and take - but when it comes to sex all that is off limits.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

sleeping with someone when you are trying to honor your marrige vows... hardly equates to dancing sexy.. and that is not what he asked her to do... in fact, he asked her and pressured her for 12 years , to do something she didn't want to do...

I wouldn't call what you're speaking of... an example of "compromising" we are not talking about assigning household chores here...

and I'm not angry, your callous attitude about it, well, I guess i just found it disgusting...

I'm entitled to think what I want, as are you... but that wasn't the point of this girls post... she clearly was Not in to doing this... and her husband didn't care enough to stop pushing her... so he got the worst possible outcome...

Again... why bother getting married if you want to have casual sex with other people??
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

Sounds like pre swing introduction,

Many couples do this, usually for one time only.

Its not for everyone, but some do explore.
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Old 04-14-2009, 06:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wanted me to sleep with another guy

did I read you right Reid? LOL... this , coming from the no cheating , no execptions King of all kings? lol...

alrighty then.

It is only swinging I think, if Both parties are interested in it... I think if that is what this couples wants to do, then that's fine. Swinging is not for me, but I don't say that anyone else can't do that, if that's what they want.
But this clearly was not a case of swinging... this was a husband pressuring his wife to give in to him, and when she did... they both ended up unhappy with the results... sad...

I hope she can work out her feelings, and that he can also.
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