General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
have been lurking in here for months. I was just trying to find a post that seems remotely similar to my current situation. I suppose Im looking for comments from others to see what they think.
So here goes .. I guess it all started years ago. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and dated 2 years before. I am 39 and so is she. We have 2 children ages 11 and 7.
In the last few years I have felt a real distance between each other. I knew that we were having problems but at the time I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It seemed to me that she would schedule things that I wasn’t able to goto do to work . Admittedly I do work about 70 to 75 hours a week in a high paid but also very high stress job. So I suppose as time went by things got worse and worse. Me being the dumb husband and wrapped up in my own share of work problems never really seen the warning signs. With in the last year, She has almost emotionally cut her self off from me. Sex to her for the last year was more of a to do list kind of thing then something she really liked to do. We went from 4 times a week. To once a week to once a month. Truth be told the biggest thing that I seen was she didn’t want me to show her any affection.. NONE. I would give her a hug and there was just nothing there. Kisses were like kissing your sister toward the last year. As you can imagine, there is a lot of resentment from both sides at this point. So within the last few months after speaking to a friend about the situation, he said .. are you sure she doesn’t have anyone else? WOW that caught me off guard. However based on her current emotional state I though it a possibility. So never having looked at my or her phone records I did. Low and behold the same number keeps coming up. 30 min on her way to work 20 mins on her lunch break and another 40 mins on her way home. I went back over a year and the amount of time to the same number was consistent. So I called it. Man picks up the phone .. “ hello this is XXXXXX”. I just hung up and just felt stunned. The man on the other end was a janitor where she used to work. She has spoke of him but I never suspected anyting of adultery . She has had his grandkids spend the night at our house multiple times. Keep in mind he is 60. He does look about 50 though.
After holding on to that information for about 3 weeks me and my wife had a very long and emotional talk. The calls came out. I told here that I believe she was having an affair and I wanted the truth. Of course she just said he was just a friend. I told her that I also have friends, none of which I speak to over an hour every day and with another 30 text messages. She said again I needed someone to talk to and he talked to me. So my repy was I don’t know of anyone willing to devote that much time to a girl he isn’t having sex with. She just sat for a minuite…. Hes just a friend. So I just told her things have gone to far and I want to fix this. She just said she doesn’t know how to fix it and she just doenst feel that “WAY” anymore. So I left for a few mins and decided to call that number . He picked right up and we talked for 20 mins.. I hit him pretty hard and he just confirmed what she has said. So in the end called him didn’t really make me feel better of worse. So I went home and told my wife that I think some time was in order and that I was going to move out. She agreed that it was a good idea. And moved out I did.
In the last two weeks we have gone to a MC for 2 sessions. It was fine to go and talk but nothing really happened that made her feel any different about things. In the last session and just asked her…. Do you want to fix this and she said no that she didn’t. So I suppose if I want to fix it but she doesn’t then there is really nothing left to fix. I think she’s done. This realization has destroyed me the last few weeks. Of course I have tried make amends but its all in vien. Yesterday I asked once more and she said the same things she wants a divorce.
Im lost but there is some comfort in knowing that I don’t really have a choice here. What to you all think?
I'm so sorry you are here. But yes, lots of good advice and support to be found here.
I regret to say that I agree with you. If she doesn't want to make amends and heal your marriage, you cannot do it alone. (By the way, I don't know why you said you were trying to make amends, you aren't the one who left.)
Please do keep posting -- the next few weeks and months will be trying for you, so it's crucial to have some good support!
You're right, if she says "I don't want to fix it", then that means there is nothing left and you can't fix it by yourself.
And, rule #1 of having an affair is NEVER ADMIT to it. She's not going to admit it, nor is the man you called. Think about it...you are in a "high salary" job. You didn't say if your wife is in a high paying job or not, but even if she is, this guy is a "janitor" and obviously with him the quality of living standards would be much lower than with you.
It's almost like she's been wanting to have her cake and eat it too.
I wouldn't be as sad as I would be very ticked off for being used. That's my take on it.
You're right, if she says "I don't want to fix it", then that means there is nothing left and you can't fix it by yourself.
And, rule #1 of having an affair is NEVER ADMIT to it. She's not going to admit it, nor is the man you called. Think about it...you are in a "high salary" job. You didn't say if your wife is in a high paying job or not, but even if she is, this guy is a "janitor" and obviously with him the quality of living standards would be much lower than with you.
It's almost like she's been wanting to have her cake and eat it too.
I wouldn't be as sad as I would be very ticked off for being used. That's my take on it.
Anger hasnt kicked in yet. I know it will at some point. She does work but part time. All of our conversations in the last week have been about money. So thats her worry now .. not me at all
No amount of MC will work as long as there are 3 individuals in a marriage, as you found out.
She has checked out of the relationship and getting her emotional needs meet by another man. You may have had a part in this, but she should have looked to fix it. Instead she went outside of the marriage.
Don't leave your house or your children. She wants out, tell her to go to the OM. If you want your family, its time to play hardball. Maybe you can shock her out of it. Does the OM have a family?
No amount of MC will work as long as there are 3 individuals in a marriage, as you found out.
She has checked out of the relationship and getting her emotional needs meet by another man. You may have had a part in this, but she should have looked to fix it. Instead she went outside of the marriage.
Don't leave your house or your children. She wants out, tell her to go to the OM. If you want your family, its time to play hardball. Maybe you can shock her out of it. Does the OM have a family?
Ive moved out over 2 weeks ago. The OM is married and has
been for 30 years. I dont know if it was an EA or sexual. I have canciled my next appt for marriage counseling.
Your letting her dictate the terms. She and the OM are deciding, with out consulting you, whats going to happen to you relationship and family. Is that OK with you?
If not, then move back in. Contact the OM's wife. Call a lawyer. Get your finances under you control only. Make it uncomfortable for them. Tell her she needs to leave. You did nothing wrong, she went outside the marriage.
Your letting her dictate the terms. She and the OM are deciding, with out consulting you, whats going to happen to you relationship and family. Is that OK with you?
If not, then move back in. Contact the OM's wife. Call a lawyer. Get your finances under you control only. Make it uncomfortable for them. Tell her she needs to leave. You did nothing wrong, she went outside the marriage.
What do you want from this?
Well your right actually. I have thought of contacting the OM wife. Im just not sure what it would solve. I was planign to give her just about everything ...... for the kids. I couldnt deal with them having to move and new schools in all.. It is financially stupid ... but its the right thing for the kids I think. What would it solve speaking the the OM wife?
1 - Move back in now. Leaving can be termed as abandonment
2 - At a minimum, she is having an Emotional Affair
3 - Contact the other man's wife and provide her with copies of the cell phone records
4 - Remove her name from all joint credit cards
5 - Take half the money you have in any joint savings/checking accounts and move it into accounts with only your name on it. Why should you continue to fund her extra-marital activities?
6 - Contact a lawyer ASAP to find out about your rights
7 - Look up the 180 plan here on TAM and implement it now. It will help you prepare for your life in the future
If you really want to know about the extent of her "friendship" put a keylogger on your PC, put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. But a second VAR so you can take one out and listen to it while the other records newer conversations.
Toffer is right on. You should have never moved out. Move back in. Contact the other mans wife. Learn the 180 and live it for you!!!
This other guy even if only had an emotional affair did the damage to help her detach from you emotionally. She was cheating your marriage, no two ways about it and left you in the dark.
Protect yourself financially, emotionally and stop doing what she wants you to do like moving out.
Like you were confused before you knew of the affair, the OMW is in that position. Didn't you want to know? Let her make informed decisions about her life. Even if you don't want to break up the affair.
This is not about revenge. It's about fair play. They are not playing fair with either you or the OMW.
You are being passive about all of this. Will you give up your children so easily? Not to live with them?
Well your right actually. I have thought of contacting the OM wife. Im just not sure what it would solve. I was planign to give her just about everything ...... for the kids. I couldnt deal with them having to move and new schools in all.. It is financially stupid ... but its the right thing for the kids I think. What would it solve speaking the the OM wife?
This guy helped ruin your marriage. His marriage is probably gone down the tubes also and his wife has a right to know. In hindsight, wouldn't you want to have known?
You need to put the pressure back on them. You are not the bad guy here. Remember that.
I find it sad that you have been lurking here for months and didn't reach out for advice. Moving out was the wrong thing to do.
It is all hindsight now, but ask people here the steps you should be taking. You don't have to follow them, but you might get some wise advice that may not make sense since you are so close to it.
When I went through a divorce I too had some of the same feelings "for the kids" that you are having. Looking back I should have stood up for me, instead of feeling guilty because everything failed (and unlike you it was mostly my fault).
You'll find out the kids are resilient and honestly my opinion is that by fighting for them now they'll understand better later that you had their best intentions at heart. I don't mean "fighting" as in arguing, but fighting for your rights as a parent.
I like others am wondering too if you did anything at all to alienate your wife besides just work long hours? Were you too tired physically to be there emotionally like she needed at some point in your marriage? Not pointing fingers, just asking.
Like others say too, move back in ASAP. Trust me, starting over from nothing is super hard in more ways than one. You don't have to fix the marriage but you do need to take up for yourself.
236Likes
My story is sad but true 
