General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband an I have been married for 6 years. A year ago, we moved across the country so he could go to school. He has made many friends in school, which is fine but there is this woman that is rubbing me the wrong way. I've had issues with similar situations before and he has cut off the friend but thrown it back in my face repeatedly. This is why she rubs me the wrong way:
1. I'd never met her and he was discussing issues such as my job situation with her. I found this out because I was looking at his Facebook and he discussed it with her in a private message.
2. A few weeks ago I finally met her at a school function. She was nice but condescending. She went out of her way to point out she knows things about me and I know nothing about her. At one point, I was talking to another person while my husband listened and she ran up and whispered in his ear. It just didn't sit well with me.
3. Today he left his phone at home and I found out by looking through his text messages that not only does he meet her to study but also she brings him lunch.
4. About a week ago, I got fired. I couldn't leave my job because we only have one vehicle and he had it. I called and called and he never answered. I finally got my friend to come get me. When he finally answered he said that he had been with his boss. Through the texts I found out he was actually at her house, helping her fix her internet. So he straight up lied about it.
5. If I confront him about this, he will say I don't trust him and turn it around on me which is what he has done before. I don't really want to start anything because my mother in law is coming to visit this week and I don't want anything going on while she's here.
6. Finally, he texted her to say Spanish class isn't the same without her and to wish her a safe trip. Oh yeah, and she is getting divorced because her much older husband cheated on her so when I bring her up (and I am very careful not to be negative and to keep it casual) he says she needs friends right now.
Specifically why should I be worried? More background: his dad was a cheater and my husband is very against that. He has always said he would never lie to me, but now he is. I really don't know what to do here.
Meh, liars always say "I don't lie" or "I would never cheat on you!". When someone has to point out they don't do XYZ bad behavior, they're usually the first to do it.
Example: Ex-boyfriend "I'd never cheat" found out a year and a half later he cheated on me from almost the start. Yeah....
You need to worry because he appears to be having an EA with her, has lied to you about things involving her, hides things involving her and possibly already had a PA with her.
My husband EA started with just helping her out as a friend. She was telling him about her abusive relationship etc and my H said she needed someone to talk to and this was only after weeks of befriended each other on FB; they use to work with each other. It then spiralled into texting hundreds of messages to each other and meeting up to talk to her about her problems. My thoughts on this is..surely she has closer friends that could help her and not a married man. Be very worried, I was made out to be non caring etc when I voiced my concerns. They are on the road to an EA and PA. Posted via Mobile Device
since my fiancé was caught up in an EA, I am now very interested in situations like yours.
the possibilities here are
1. She just likes the attention and has no intention of having a PA with your husband. But still that's not good. He will be prioritising her over you. Scarce resources like time and money (as you already exprienced with his time at her place) will be allocated first to her before he even thinks of you.
Has he yet told you that something is not affordable on the household budget. Do you feel that that was a reasonable assessment or were you wondering where the money went?
2. She may be interested in a PA with your husband but only for the short term. Particularly, if she's single and younger, and just finishing an advanced degree, whatever her real prospects are, I am sure she thinks that she can do better than your husband and he's just a fling for her.
My fiance's EA is 11 years younger than he is, 29 at the time. Even though she said herself that she needed to loose (sic) 50 pounds before she turned 30, my fiancé was just a play toy for her. She eventually dated for over a year another guy who was also 40 years old and working on his divorce.
3. She may be planning to run off into the sunset with your husband.
the cure for the common adultery, whether EA or PA, is to pull up stakes; let him know that there is no safety net should this woman turn out to be nothing more than a short term fling or some bunny boiler. I solved my problems with my fiancé by telling him that if he needed a "special friend" he could have one but then I would become a "special friend" which would give me the time and freedom to shop around for a real partner.
Don't fall the "I need space routine." If he wants a separation , let him know he has two choices, your marriage can continue as is or you two can get a divorce. Separation is his opportunity to buy time and to shop around. who wants sloppy seconds?
You should be very concerned. In addition to what has already been said:
1. She is not a friend of the marriage. Her actions look to be intentionally divisive.
2. Your husband is escalating contact with her and not informing you.
3. Your husband is lying to you about the time he spends with her.
He may legitimately feel that he is doing nothing wrong but he is already involved in an Emotional Affair (EA) with the woman. To complicate it she seems predatory. Your husband needs to be educated on EAs and appropriate boundaries with other people. In addition you should take steps to monitor his communication with her as you have been doing but step it up before you confront him. Then you need to have him be transparent with you on all communication (passwords, email, facebook etc). He should probably go no contact with her since she is probably predatory.
I'd raise hell. I'd tell him that he is behaving inappropriately and he has a choice to make. Stop the BS with the beetch or get ready for divorce proceedings. Things that make it inappropriate: he straight up lied to you about time spent with her, she did not behave respectfully towards you when you met her, you don't like her. Each of those reasons are enough, on their own, to make it inappropriate for him to be spending any time with her.
Based on his lie about not being available when you needed him, and the real story you found out on your own about not answering your calls when he was at her house fixing her internet...I'd bet he was getting physical with her. Why would he not be able to take a 5 minute break from doing this woman's chores to answer a call from his wife? I'm sorry.
He has already lied about spending time alone at HER house. She has already shown that she can disrespect you right in front of him and he thinks nothing of it. This is an EA.
Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, you need to educate yourself. Also check the cell phone bill ONLINE, I'm sure their calls and texting minutes will show (via time of day and amount) that she is an enemy of your marriage and you'd better take a strong stand NOW. Posted via Mobile Device
4. About a week ago, I got fired. I couldn't leave my job because we only have one vehicle and he had it. I called and called and he never answered. I finally got my friend to come get me. When he finally answered he said that he had been with his boss. Through the texts I found out he was actually at her house, helping her fix her internet. So he straight up lied about it.
So he chose alone time with her and left you hanging when you needed ride home,and about him saying how you don't trust him if you bring anything up well you have a reason to not trust him.When someone lies to you how can you trust them,he doesn't deserve your trust if he keeps lying.
If she can disrespect you to your face at a function you're attending with your husband, she is much more than a friend to him. She feels secure in his affections. They have an alliance and you're the enemy.
Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
Do this quiz on behalf of your husband or better yet get him to do it if you can.
If you could magically look into both of their minds, and discover that their wasn't anything "going on", I would still consider the relationship inappropriate. He is giving her things that rightfully belong to you. Now, back to the real world, I agree with everyone else here who says EA. Shut it down now!!! What are the circumstances where he "throws it back in your face?"
It is wrong 100% wrong. I cant believe he actually had you 2 in a situation where you were introduced. As far as him turning it around and saying you dont trust him...WELL YOU DONT TRUST HIM. He is lying to you. Do you have any family/friends from where you used to live that will let you stay with them while you get on your feet? Im so sorry you are going through this.
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Inappropriate female friend? 
