I am brand new here, and, to be honest, I just joined on the spur of the moment. I am sitting here at work, feeling really sad and hopeless. Worse still, I realized that I had nobody at all to talk to...
I am involved with a woman who I used to date. We had a fantastic sex life, but our relationship was quite volatile, and for years we went back and forth - dating, fighting, breaking up, making up, dating again, etc., etc. We were never apart for very long, weeks in some cases, a few months in others. When we were apart, there were no other women for me. I got the impression from her that there were no other men for her.
About 5 years ago, we finally broke up for what seemed like the final time. We ended things, and then moved far away from each other. A 'chance' encounter about a year after that resulted in her becoming pregnant. She had always been on the pill for the 6 or 7 years that we had dated, and in fact, she had told me once that she had been on the pill non-stop since she was a teenager. So, when one thing led to another on that particular night, I did not think to be concerned about birth control, and she neglected to mention that she was off the pill. I am not sure why she did not mention this, or insist on birth control. She initiated the intimacy, but I was more than willing - I had not been with anyone since she had moved away.
Once we came to term with the unexpected pregnancy, we decided to get together and make a go of it. There was lots of counseling, and lots of effort on our part. In the process, we got pregnant AGAIN.
I have to say that I absolutely ADORE my children. No matter what my lament, I could not imagine giving them up.
Anyway, I eventually became aware of her sex life away from me. She would insist that TECHNICALLY she did not cheat on me, although in one case I would debate the point, but really, the issue for me wasn't cheating. What I found was not that she was a cheater, but that in the years that I had known her, when we were apart, she was quite active in having sex with other men. Men she dated, men who were friends, men at work, and guys who she used simply for 'no-strings-attached' sex.
I also found that she had mixed various of these men into our social life. On numerous occasions, she would introduce me to one or more of her other men, presenting them as mere friends or coworkers. In hindsight, there were numerous occasions where I found myself making small talk with men who had slept with my girlfriend. They were all aware of the situation, but I was totally ignorant.
Even after we had gotten back together to attempt a family, this continued. She did not continue having sex with other men, but she intended to keep them in our lives. One of her long time 'friends-with-benefits' was actually invited to her baby shower.
Anyway, I could go on, but finding out all of this - how cavalierly she treated her own sexuality - really just killed my feelings of intimacy towards her. And in the intervening years, as we have co-parented, the added tensions of life have only added to that. She is still quite attractive physically, but I find that I cannot muster any feelings of intimacy with her. We have had sex twice since Jan 1, 2012, and both instances were bad experiences for me.
So... I have contented myself in being a parent, and in trying to be a good co-parent, and for the most part, I have been happy. I have just decided to live without intimacy for myself. And I have been OK with that.
But now she wants us to try to be intimate. Something about a '7 day experiment' or something. I still have needs, and I still feel the desire for SEX, but I have no desire for intimacy. I know that I could not cuddle or kiss or any of that, not with her. Maybe not with anyone.
But at the same time, I suspect that once we discuss 'the elephant in the room', we will have taken our first step at a separation. We aren't married, so it would not be a divorce per se, but even so: I am fearful of what will come, specifically, of being separated from my children.
I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.
I am involved with a woman who I used to date. We had a fantastic sex life, but our relationship was quite volatile, and for years we went back and forth - dating, fighting, breaking up, making up, dating again, etc., etc. We were never apart for very long, weeks in some cases, a few months in others. When we were apart, there were no other women for me. I got the impression from her that there were no other men for her.
About 5 years ago, we finally broke up for what seemed like the final time. We ended things, and then moved far away from each other. A 'chance' encounter about a year after that resulted in her becoming pregnant. She had always been on the pill for the 6 or 7 years that we had dated, and in fact, she had told me once that she had been on the pill non-stop since she was a teenager. So, when one thing led to another on that particular night, I did not think to be concerned about birth control, and she neglected to mention that she was off the pill. I am not sure why she did not mention this, or insist on birth control. She initiated the intimacy, but I was more than willing - I had not been with anyone since she had moved away.
Once we came to term with the unexpected pregnancy, we decided to get together and make a go of it. There was lots of counseling, and lots of effort on our part. In the process, we got pregnant AGAIN.
I have to say that I absolutely ADORE my children. No matter what my lament, I could not imagine giving them up.
Anyway, I eventually became aware of her sex life away from me. She would insist that TECHNICALLY she did not cheat on me, although in one case I would debate the point, but really, the issue for me wasn't cheating. What I found was not that she was a cheater, but that in the years that I had known her, when we were apart, she was quite active in having sex with other men. Men she dated, men who were friends, men at work, and guys who she used simply for 'no-strings-attached' sex.
I also found that she had mixed various of these men into our social life. On numerous occasions, she would introduce me to one or more of her other men, presenting them as mere friends or coworkers. In hindsight, there were numerous occasions where I found myself making small talk with men who had slept with my girlfriend. They were all aware of the situation, but I was totally ignorant.
Even after we had gotten back together to attempt a family, this continued. She did not continue having sex with other men, but she intended to keep them in our lives. One of her long time 'friends-with-benefits' was actually invited to her baby shower.
Anyway, I could go on, but finding out all of this - how cavalierly she treated her own sexuality - really just killed my feelings of intimacy towards her. And in the intervening years, as we have co-parented, the added tensions of life have only added to that. She is still quite attractive physically, but I find that I cannot muster any feelings of intimacy with her. We have had sex twice since Jan 1, 2012, and both instances were bad experiences for me.
So... I have contented myself in being a parent, and in trying to be a good co-parent, and for the most part, I have been happy. I have just decided to live without intimacy for myself. And I have been OK with that.
But now she wants us to try to be intimate. Something about a '7 day experiment' or something. I still have needs, and I still feel the desire for SEX, but I have no desire for intimacy. I know that I could not cuddle or kiss or any of that, not with her. Maybe not with anyone.
But at the same time, I suspect that once we discuss 'the elephant in the room', we will have taken our first step at a separation. We aren't married, so it would not be a divorce per se, but even so: I am fearful of what will come, specifically, of being separated from my children.
I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.