whatalk

Could really use some input from others who are considering or having already made the choice to ( stay or go) and how this has been and is affecting the kids.
My wife and I cannot get it together as partners even though its been 27 years.
She drinks and has no intention of quitting and all of the tough situations are there, completely detached from us 80% of the time, refuses to contribute with the family finances in any regular way, and my son definitely is beginning to know something is up with her , always tired , etc, beer cans stashed all over.
He loves his mom and wants her in the house , and I am willing to stuff it ( I think) until he gets older, whats best for him?

lamaga

Well, I think it would be good for him to know what a responsible parent looks like, and to know that there are options to living with a stone drunk.

And he is a child. I don't care if he wants her in the house or not, if it's not in his best interest, then that's your decision.

dormant

I don't believing that "Staying for the child" as the only reason to stay is good for the child. They need to be in a positive household. If the two of you can't provide that, then separation would be my answer.

Santa

How old are kids?

Hope1964

Staying 'for the kids' just teaches them that living unhappily is what people do. They KNOW something's wrong, believe me.

Happy separated parents are far better for them than unhappy together ones.

However, do you think it's safe to leave them solely in your wifes care?

__________________
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Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
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Acorn

I have been separated for three months and I am almost willing to go as far as to say our kids are better off like this than when we were together trying to work stuff out.

What's also better is that my relationship with them has really flourished and I've been able to show them another possible way to live life. I couldn't be happier with this part of my separation.

Prodigal

Ever heard of an ACoA? I know many of them through my work in Al-Anon. They are "Adult Children of Alcoholics." I have seen adults with scars so deep, I could hardly comprehend it. All from living in a home with an alcoholic parent.

So, in the meantime, I think you and your children could benefit from I/C and Al-Anon. There is also Al-Ateen, for younger children. Please believe me when I tell you it can do tremendous damage for children to grow up in a home with an addict.

My father was an addict. My mom? Mentally unstable to the point that she probably should have been institutionalilzed; which she was in later life.

They stayed together "for the sake of the child." I cannot tell you how many nights I prayed I could be taken away to an imaginary castle where my prince would rescue me. By the time I was 9, I was a full-blown hypochondriac and having anxiety attacks. I had to keep those symptoms under wraps, because any problems from "the kid" meant mom would slap me stupid, or dad would take his belt to the back of my bare legs.

And that's it, in a nutshell.

Your children need a fully functional, responsible parent. In some states, you can get someone committed if they are drunk enough that they are basically not functioning on a competent level; in others, you cannot.

Get into counseling. Find yourself a good family law attorney. And seriously consider getting full custody of your kids. Or tell your wife she either gets sober or you take the kids and walk.

Easier said than done, I know. But I've seen the heartbreaking effects an addicted parent has on children that lasts throughout their lives.

__________________
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You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

whatalk

Wow thanks everyone for the input. A couple of clarifications, my son is 10 years, the best kid ever!
My wife is a functional type. Works 22 hours a week and only has to be financially responsible for herself, is there for my son in most practical ways washes his clothes , cooks for him , just not much interaction of the 1on 1 kind. He and I have tons of it almost to the point he gets sick of me. She is not a monster, just unavailable for the most part.
This is starting to impact him , as he voices the questions about her not wanting to hang out , always tired, etc. Remember I am 49 and exercise regularly and she is 50, and never exercises. Lots of excuses.
I just want him to get off to a solid start, he is a straight A student, hard working, happy kid, want him to stay this way!
I come from divorced parents, this may be the sticking point.
Ironically she would have a better relationship with him if we did split.

whatalk

I probably would end up with him full time and she would have him on the weekends. She would have a better relationship with him , if I were not always around.
Happy separated parents?

lamaga

Well, there you go. I think you've got your answer.

And good luck to you!

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I agree.

My ex h was and is abusing illegal drugs. As far as I knew it was just weed, but I'm assuming it's more then that. His brother was a big cocaine addict and they "hung out" often. My ex h went as far as growing it outside our apartment on the deck. I had no idea what it was until someone our age pointed it out. I was furious! I tried my best getting him help, but it was worthless efforts on my part. Along with the drug use was anger and abuse.

I finally had enough and packed my bags. I could not and would not raise my child in that environment. I then pursued a college degree and after a while I met my current husband. My ex h had supervised visits for years. I did and do not trust him. He treated my child horribly because I left his sorry butt. I just found out a couple weeks ago that he told my child at the age of 14 that they could eventually get high together. If I would of known this before hand, I would of stopped visitation through the courts long ago. Thankfully, a few years back, he shut my child out of their lives for good! They no longer contact one another. My child is over 18 and still has no contact with their family.

It was very difficult raising a child with someone that has an addiction. I was not able to stop visitation all together, but I was able to limit their time with my child. Child support financially was minimum. I asked the courts for a flat fee of $200 a month, which I regret since I did not realize how expensive raising a child was.

My husband raised my child as his own. Taught her how a real man treats others and his wife.