mach0927

Male, 38, married 13 years with 3 kids.

I have really messed up my marriage. First let me say that as of today I still love my wife and want to save our marriage. However I am also coming to grips that getting a 'D' might be the best choice for both of us. I will explain. Please do share your advice if you care to.

Here is the quick summary of what started this:

Two years ago I fell in love with another woman. We both told our spouses within a week. I still loved my wife but was so lonely and hurt that I honestly did not see these emotions coming. The fact that I was under enormous pressure and stress for many years did not help. I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks once every two years.

I knew the right thing was to fight through my feelings and get my heart back home. During this time (8 months) there was physical contact between myself and the other woman limited to kissing only. Yes still a mistake.

How I REALLY made things worse

So somewhere along the line I get the idea of being polyamorous which is basically an open marriage where you are free to have a meaningful relationship with another person. Yes that means physical too. My wife is at first totally against this but I push the issue because I still have feelings for this other person and she is pushing me.

Well one day I am finally honest with my wife about the kissing. First she is upset and after a few weeks she decides to have a relationship with the woman's husband. THIS for some reason wakes me up from these emotions I have been having and literally most of what I felt for this other woman was replaced with an urgency of fixing my marriage. Throughout all this time my wife and him got close while they tried to figure out what to do about us.

So now I am kind of cornered. I created a lose/lose situation. I DID NOT want to share my wife. If I asked her to stop she would be angry with me. If I continued I would suffer. I had no way out and thought the best way to save my marriage was to give this a try.

Long story short I wasn't very attracted to the other woman and over time her overbearing personality wore me down to the point that I lost all feelings for her. During this time I was totally beaten down. Knowing my wife was physically with another man was too much. I was told the truth which hurt like nothing else.

Here is just a sample of what the TRUTH was:

I have no feelings for you; I am not attracted to you; He is bigger than you; they are more compatible both sexually and emotionally; I am in love with him; He makes me orgasm on top; Her and I are totally incompatible sexually. This is just some of the hurt I was put through.

Where we stand today

We are going to marriage counseling and I stopped the open arrangment. It's not helping much. We are both confused as to what marriage is supposed to be. Are we really incompatible? Do we stay together for the kids? Doesn't all sex suck when it's with the same person for 20 years? Do we put our needs for happiness before our kids?

She wants to stay no matter what. She does not want to separate for the kids. I am torn. I have nothing more than a roommate. Nothing in 2 years has changed. I've given so much through work, being a husband & father and loving her but I still get nothing back in return. She told me tonight she is not attracted to me. She doesn't need sex but maybe once a year. I on the other hand am really attracted to her.

Maybe this is just too far gone. Is it too selfish to feel love back? Is this the way it's supposed to be?

Appreciate any thoughts.

mach0927

I know she does not want to have a broken family. I know this much. I know she is very confused. I think she would like to have a relationship with me but doesn't know how.

I have let go of everything accept wanting to have a relationship other than a roommate. I think every spouse deserves this much regardless.

Thanks for your reply.

memyselfandi

I really don't want to be mean..but you asked for it.

Good marriage..great wife..kids. How could you ask for more?? Yet you decided to take that all for granted while you looked for every excuse in the book..ie...polygamy (only legal in Utah!!).

Again, Polygamy is a little different than an open marriage so call a spade a spade!! Your wife didn't want it but YOU did and went on your merry way..fooling around..taking your wife for granted..and thinking that you had the world by the tail..

Unfortunately it turned against you as you never EVER thought that the woman's husband and your wife would find comfort in each other and start fooling around too..

The bottom line is..you THOUGHT you loved the woman you were fooling around with..UNTIL you found out that your wife was messing around with her husband. All of a sudden you get a rude awakening in your heart and realize that it's your WIFE that you love in the first place??

Seriously!!

It's now that you realize that you really DON'T love this other woman since your wife fooling around with her hubby has made you more than a little jealous??

HELLO???!

I can't even think of the hearts broken in this three rink circus as if you've told the woman you were fooling around with that you've realized that you love your wife and not her...she goes back to her hubby..he tells your wife that he's no longer in love with her..etc.

I can only guess where this three ring circus could go...

All I can say is that you are a very VERY lucky man if your wife agrees to go through marital counseling with you as I would have told you to take a short walk off a long bridge a LOOONG time ago!!

sandc

I've been married 25 years and the sex has only gotten better. You guys both forgot how to love each other. You've forgotten how to romance your wife. Think back to when you were dating. Ask her what it was that first attracted her to you. Think about what first attracted you to your wife. Find those two people and start over. Your marriage as you know it is dead. Bury it. But maybe you guys can create a new marriage. It can be done if you are both willing.

__________________
"Don't ever let anyone ever tell you that you can't do something, even if it's you." Major Brian Shul, USAF-Ret


Thinking of having an affair? Please think again.

RClawson

Polygamy is not legal anywhere and he was not in a polygamous relationship.

anonim

i think he meant polyamorous relationship. those are legal

sisters359

I really, really want to take a few shots at you, but I won't. I will point out, however, that jealousy and love are mutually exclusive--if you really love someone, you would want your wife to be really happy, even if it means to be happy without you. You would give her that choice and let HER decide. Think about it.

You will need to start individual counseling (both of you) as well as marriage counseling to start unraveling the damage and building a marriage. Don't delay; start yourself and see if she'll do it too.

If she has lost all physical attraction to you, it may be impossible to recover. But that's an unknown, so try to work together to get it back. Good luck.

jnj express

You made your bed, now you may have to sleep in it

Has she cut off ALL contact, with her sex partner, who I guess she has fallen in love with

Contact with him, must stop

As to the 2 of you---if she is willing to stay---somehow, you have to get the passion back, that was there when you 1st met her, dated, were wild about each other-----go back, and start that dating process over, go out dancing, go on dates, go out to dinner, take her to sporting events, send her flowers----re-create the time, when you first met, and were sweeping her off her feet

It may be to late, she may be in love with this other guy---you forced her into a relationship, where 2 helpless partners, were being cheated on, allegedly with permission, they were miserable, and in their misery they bonded, and fell in love

Sad to say, you play with fire, you get burned----you had a good mge., and just couldn't be satisfied. Hopefully you won't be roomates forever, but that may very well be the way this ends.

anchorwatch

You gave your wife away? Two years since you say?

You never thought she'd find something better, after you told her you found love else where. She'll never have respect for you again.

It's done, finished, finito, get over it. You don't turn her on anymore. Your fault...you really effed up..you didn't think this one out.... Did you?

And noooo, sex doesn't suck after 20 years. It only sucks if your eff up your marriage.

Sorry to be so harsh. I've got no other answers for you. I'm sure your in pain, but you need some serious help. You don't seem to have the capacity to understand the consequences of your bad decisions.

mach0927

First thank you for all your opinions. Let me clarify some things.

• Our marriage was total crap before this. Neither of us was happy for many reasons. We were roommates and nothing more for about five years. I tried to do everything I could back then to make our marriage better and she would have not of it. Since this started she has admitted many things she did wrong as well. We were both at fault.
  
• I have no excuse but when I look back I see the causes. I had no relationship with her. I was under enormous pressure at work and suffering from anxiety and depression due to all this. Marriage is a two way street and I tried!!! I communicated. I romanced her to amazing ends.
  
• To CLARIFY my wife is NOT like many women. She does not like romance. She does not like affection. It was this way since I met her. Don't ask me why I stayed so long. What she does want is service. House chores etc. I do the best I can but with a demanding job I simply don't have the time.
  
• Polaymory is based on the idea that you can love more than one person. This was not a circus going back and forth saying I love you one day then not the next.
  
• I KNOW I messed up. I am trying to do the right thing and fix things. I went off the deep end and instead of doing what most people do and UP and LEAVE I wanted to get through this from day one. Believe me I do my own share of beating myself up about it. This is a mistake I have to take to my grave. However one mistake does not make a person. I have done many things right in my life and most for her and my family. I am staying positive and believe things happen for a reason.
  
• I understand the consequences of my actions. I am doing the right thing by putting my family first and trying to fix things. If this doesn't work then I have learned many lessons and will be a better person from this.
  
• I hope this clarifies things. I deserve whatever comes my way to some extent but it takes two for a marriage to fall apart. I did not simply have a happy marriage and then a one night stand.
  

Couleur

OK -- you both screwed up -- now it's time to regroup.


You say that your wife wants to stay in your marriage for the kids sake, no matter what. This is a good thing because it means that you have a shot at reinventing your marriage. But your old marriage is over, and your job now is to figure out what the new relationship will be like.

I don't think that the two of you an heal/ move forward/ model good parenting to your kids if either of you is involved with a 3rd person. So, I think you need to sit down with wife and say that she must stop all contact with the OM. Similarly, you have to commit to 1) no sexual contact with another woman, 2) no EA with another woman. Without those ground rules, the only way I see this working is to become cohabiting co-parents but to effectively split your finances, lives, etc.

To build a new relationship you will need to spend time with your wife one-on-one and you will need to spend time as a family with your kids. It will be awkward and unpleasant at times, but if you don't things won't improve.

If you wife is willing to work on things, I would suggest that you both read some books on marriage -- could be His Needs, Her Needs or John Gottman's book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

What would concern me is that your wife has checked out of your marriage completely and is counting down the days until your kids are out of the house. So, you'll need to gauge her willingness to work things out with you. If it's been 2 years since your wife had the security of thinking that you two were in a secure relationship, it will take at least that long to truly heal things.

mach0927

Thanks Couleur. Well said. I never thought about the "re-inventing" our marriage part. I agree this is a strong approach. I will certainly run this by my counselor.

Yes we both have stopped all physical contact with the other two people. We do chat occasionally if we run into each other. At this point I cannot make demands of her. I just ask her to focus on fixing our relationship and hope she makes the right choice.

anony2

I bet your wife does like romance, you just have not found HER idea of it. Sometimes it takes a LOT of work and sometimes us women are overwhelmed at the generosity of your time and effort, we do not know how to respond, and that may come off to you as "not liking" romance, when in reality, we love it, but have never been treated SO good before, so we do not know how to respond.

DiZ

Every woman likes romance. You just have not found her buttons.

mach0927

This romance and women thing. I need help with this. Since I was younger I have always been a romantic. I have done amazing special things for her so many times. I've been told that I am amazing at it by other women who know what I do (my wife might share sometimes). Yet it never seems to have any effect. I get the coldest "thanks" and nothing else. It like giving a gift to someone and they put it in the corner and don't unwrap it.

Is it possible that I overdo it? Is it possible that I am too into her that it's a turn off? Also physically. I am very turned on by her. My attraction has grown not faded. Could this also be a problem? I don't understand. I have given so much to her. I've been so into her. Is it possible this made me more of a father figure.

She also lost her father when we were in our mid twenties and it hit her very hard. I am almost 100% certain this caused problems.