General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months.
It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy.
She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered.
Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. (I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.)
I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past.
To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing?
If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.
I[B]
if she is unhappy in the marriage she should be giving 100% to resolve the currently issues. She is some fantasy state and does not want to face the reality of marriage, responsibilities and work required to make it work. Rather then doing this she is focusing on 4 month fantasy because it is easier. I don't know too many who get into "euphoric state" in 4 months relationships and would actually consider that more important then family and child. I would personally give her a time frame to make up her mind as this cannot go on forever. If she cannot I would consider ending it and moving on with my life .
Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.
You got your answer right there... It was an ultimatum stick to it... Time to kick up the alpha!!
Time also to put a keylogger on the computer and read their messages. That will tell you what their relationship truly is.
This other relationship is clearly killing your marriage. Emotionally she is more interested in it than in you. Like the others have said its likely gone physical too. Especially if shes acting this strongly against the marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.
This is a power play. Don't fold.
All her talk about how you're trying to control her is really her controlling you. Hold on to your sack, call her bluff, stay the course.
****(I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.) ****
This guy must really have it out for you. I had a similar problem as yours but fortunately we were still dating and not married. So much easier for me to walk away. At the same time, since his "ex a friend" had a boyfriend, he wasn't going to have much of a relationship with her.
I now believe time is of the essence in these matter. the longer that they are in contact with their ex, the more comfortable and bolder that they feel when contemplating their future.
Once you decide that being a single Dad is better than being some scorned cuckolded, it will be easier to move on.
She is right. YOu cannot control her and tell her who she can talk to.
But you can set your own boundaries on what you will accept in your marriage. YOu can tell her that if she continues to communicate with him you are filing for divorce... it's your choice what you do.
Before confronting her any further you might want to put a key logger on your computer and find out what she is really up to. If she's talking to him all the time, it's not about the weather.
And if you are not with her 24/7 you don't know if she is sneaking around.
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In the meantime, start dressing sharper and going out after the baby is down. Just say, "I'm going out" and go watch a movie. Let her figure you're hitting the meat markets. Start moving away and let her chase you. Do not puppy dog her and whine. Act like you are the man with the options.
What do you know about relationship "game" and making yourself attractive to women? I recommend you start reading this blog.
In the meantime, start dressing sharper and going out after the baby is down. Just say, "I'm going out" and go watch a movie. Let her figure you're hitting the meat markets. Start moving away and let her chase you. Do not puppy dog her and whine. Act like you are the man with the options.
Do women hit on you?
After my fiancé stopped teasing me about my age (I'm 10 years older than he), he did have to admit that he noticed quite often men checking me out and then when we went to activities, like meetup, he knew that men approaching was due to their desire to hit on me.
Maybe that helped with him deciding that holding onto some ex as friend while I could easily move on to other men made it an easy decision for him to drop her completely.
What an immature wife! She knows zero responsibility for this marriage and she thinks she can behave however she wants to. So disrespectful!!!
I wonder how old you two are.
Now she wants to figure out how she feels...? AFTER marriage??
What kind of nonsense is that? Didn't she have the time BEFORE marriage for that?
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
You can't control her, you can control your responses to her actions. Make it clear to her that her actions have consequences. She may think you're too much of "nice guy" to ever follow through. She probably realizes on some level that you're better as a parent than this guy will ever be, so she wants to have you in that role and her ex in a lover's role.
An ultimatem (a specific one that can be followed through) looks like your only choice: A NC letter/call, you get access to all her emails etc., and she goes to counseling to work on the marriage.
You were sold a pup. You thought you were marrying a woman and you married a child, instead.
By the way. The baby. It IS yours, right? Even if you are 100 percent sure it is, get a DNA test. This is for your peace of mind in case she goes crazy and tries to pretend that you aren't the father.
I am among the crowd that says "follow through on your threat.". The child changes everything though. That makes it a huge decision. Personally, I would like to believe that I would still folllow through and say, "yes, our marriage does indeed come down to who you can and.can't talk to on FaceBook". It's not about control, it's about protection. It's also about respect. She clearly has no respect for you or for meeting your need for boundaries in the relationship.
Good luck - challenging situation - methinks "move on".
Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.
The issue is not chatting on Facebook but she has previous history with this person and has admitted that she is unhappy in current marriage. I would get one of those key logger programs and track her Facebook. This is also good evidence (if legal) to present in court in case there are child custody issues. I would also document how long she spends on facebook and also all suggestions you have made to try to work things out (ie marriage counseling..etc.) in email form to present to judge down the road. Also make sure you get DNA test to make sure it is your child.
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Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend 
